Planning on moving in with my boyfriend

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. I just turned 20, and he just turned 19. We are very close, and we are now planning on moving in together in the near future. I live in a place that is right on the edge of downtown, 4 blocks from where he is currently living with his mom and siblings. He has been trying to get me to move in with him for over a year now, and it seems that it has become the only option I have, since I can't live with my mom anymore. I have always said no to his requests to have me move in with him, so I think he must be very happy that it's finally going to happen. I am frustrated though, because I just moved here in August of last year, and have moved every year for the past 3 years with my mom. When we moved in here, we were happy that we finally had found a place we can call home for years to come. I still feel that way about this house. Now, my mom wants to live with my brother, who I can't live with, and so they will be looking for another place. I can't pay for the rent by myself, and I refuse to move again. I have two cats and I don't want to put them through the stress again either. We are all very happy where we are. So, I asked my boyfriend to move in. He was happy at first, but then he started talking about how he can't live where I am living. I asked him why, and he said that it was because it is too far out, and he wants to be closer to bus stops to go to work. One, it's 4 blocks away from where he is living at the moment, so I don't understand what the difference is and how my place is all of the sudden "too far out." It is outside of downtown, by a couple blocks, which I look for in places. He says he wants to live on the other side of town, because it's closer to shopping. Thing is, he never does any shopping!! I do grocery shopping on a daily basis, just for me and my cats, and I have no problems. I take the bus even. And the bus stop that he would take to go to work in the mornings is an 8 minute walk away from my place. He sleeps over a lot on nights where he has to work the next morning, and never complains about walking to the bus stop. Another thing is, I reminded him that I would have my full license by the time we move in together, so I could drive him to work before I do errands. Another excuse he had was that his cell phone company gets bad reception at my house. My house is surrounded by areas with good reception, but for some reason my house doesn't get any. He gets reception in my bedroom, but that's about it. I see that as an easy fix, just go to another phone company. Like, that's the only real problem I see and I feel like it's not worth it for me to pack up and leave my house. I actually feel that the real reason why he wants to move to the other side of town is because he has a good coworker friend that lives over there, and his job is over there. He takes the bus to his friend's house whenever he wants to hang. Like, I feel like he's just trying to take advantage of the situation. I'm finally saying yes to us moving in together, but now he wants me to forfeit everything to make it happen. I just want to know if I am being very selfish? I really don't know what I should do in this situation.

How about getting a roommate and staying where you are? I think you are undecided about really wanting to commit to him. You are both very young.

There are too many unstable variables in your relationship. I think moving in with him will not work out because you are not sure about it. I also agree a roommate will give you the income and still your independence that you need at this time. tc

He's the one being very self-centered. If you loke where you are at, and you can nanage to sray there, then I think you shoukd sray there for another year. Then you could re-evaluate your options.

Thanks guys. Yeah, I have no one to room with. The people I would consider rooming with have just found places with their boyfriends, one of them in another country. I definitely can't find a stranger to live with either, because I would constantly feel unsafe.

My boyfriend and I feel the same way about our relationship, like it's an indefinite one. We notice each other growing a part, but we know each other so well that I think we just like that we each have someone that supports us through all our crap. We are still very close and happy, we just see a different outcome now.

I've come to realize that my mom is the kind of parent that unintentionally makes their children feel incapable. The type of parent that feels their children need their parent to do everything for them. I am 20 now and I still find her making me feel like I can't do anything right. I've always felt incapable, and find that I surprise myself a lot of the time when I find out I can do things by myself. I am very independent, and try my best to be, but having my mom around is really messing with my self-confidence.

As you can see, I'm pretty set on moving in with my boyfriend. I just think that it's a great opportunity for me to get back to my old confident self. I'd have the house to myself a lot of the time and just be able to get done what I need to get done, with no distractions.

I am currently on disability assistance for depression and anxiety, but I think if he and I living together ended up not working out, I could get a part time job. My disability assistance allows me to make up to a certain amount per year in addition to the disability assistance. I just did the math, and if I got a job, I would have more than enough to pay all of the bills by myself at the place I am at now. I am a very frugal person so it's not hard for me. This gives me a lot of reassurance. I could tell my boyfriend that if he doesn't want to live where I am living, then I will just get a job and live here by myself. That's sooo relieving to be able to say now.

You're not being any kind of selfish, your bf thinks the world revolves around him, and that's pretty selfish if you ask me....

Thanks Trippin. Phew!

Anytime, you're most welcome

You are not being selfish at all. Thing is what Trippin said, your bf sounds like he's acting spoiled. It seems to me, based on your description of his reasons, that they are, like you said, all excuses. The reason that seems to be apparent to me is not for the locality in which you live and it's inconveniences, but that he wants to be the one to pick and choose where he lives and he wants to be in control of that choice more than anything.

His reasons, including his phone reception are ridiculously empty.

You say you can't live with your brother. I am sure you have valid reasons but to be honest, I wonder if you should live with this guy either. He seems to be a big bag of problems to bring into your relationship if he lives with you.

I think you should pass on living with him.

Yeah, my boyfriend is a controlling person, so that sounds like it could be his motive more than anything... to just be the one who decides where we live.

If I get a job though, I will be able to afford living on my own in my current house. So if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend, which it ultimately won't, I will thankfully be able to tell him to find another place to live.

If you get the right roommate, you can make your own choices of where to live. It will give you time to see if this is the right guy for you. Uprooting your life is painful, especially if you have pets. Since you are so young, you don't need to make big plans right now.

With the right roommate, you can build the life you want, with the stability you want. Everything else is optional, except the cats of course, they are family.

Question... If you know the relationship isn't going to last, why are you still with him?

Yeah, I agree with others, you should go it on your own, don't move in with this guy. He's making a lot of demands on you when he knows that the last thing you want to do is move.

I really don't know. I guess a part of me feels like I need him. I just know in my heart that there is no way we can last.

He knows how I feel though. He knows that I am very unsure about our relationship. One of the biggest reasons why I can't have a life with him is because of his mom. I could never have a woman like her in my life or my children's life. That is a deal-breaker for me, so that one tells me that we won't last. He knows all of this but he chooses to ignore it. I tried to break things off with him in December, because I felt like he didn't respect or truly care about me anymore, but that didn't happen. He cried. That killed me to see him cry. Just a week ago though he showed me that he can cry on command. So now I totally don't know what to think of that. This whole relationship is just messed now.

One thing is he did totally mask his true self for the first year we were going out. He hid his temper and his controlling behavior. He is also a pathological liar. He admits to that. Then after about 11 months of our relationship, my brother drowned my cat. That turned my whole world upside down, my whole life was changed, my outlook on life changed, everything. It was during this time that I felt like I needed my boyfriend to help me get through. I didn't see his bad behavior until about half a year after this happened. I feel like it sounds like I'm excusing myself from having to break up with him since I know we won't be together forever, and I probably am. I'm just very scared. I have invested so much into this relationship. I feel like I have to wait until I become more independent before I break up with him. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes so that's one reason I'm scared of breaking up with him in the state that I am. I am getting my license at the end of April, if I pass my test, so I think that will help me become more independent from him. And tomorrow, I will be going to a place that helps with making resumes, and will be applying to a KFC that just opened up. I think that will help with me become more independent as well.

It's funny, because when I told my boyfriend that I am thinking about applying at the KFC, he kept protesting it, and saying that I should apply at Safeway, which is a grocery store. He said, "that grocery store or any other kind of grocery store, except Save On!" He said that because an ex of mine works at Save On. He kept saying that grocery store work is way easier than KFC. He also said he could get me a job at the pizza place he works at. When he was saying these things, I felt like he was saying I was too incapable to work at KFC. This morning, I was talking to my mom about this, how he was making me feel bad, and she said, "no honey, he doesn't want you working at KFC because there will most likely be other young guys there." When she said that, I was amazed I didn't see that myself. Of course that's why. So now I'm even more motivated to apply there.

Break up with him already. You don't need that dead weight. You're a girl in your prime with a life ahead of you, and you already know he isn't going to be a part of it.

So it seems things are changing... my boyfriend has found a place because his mom has been trying to get rid of him, and one of his co-workers might become his roommate. I might end up moving in with my mom and brother because my mom understands my concerns about doing that, and says she will do her best to help me feel comfortable.

She knows that I have the option of living by myself, but she is afraid that my boyfriend would end up moving in anyways because of how he is and how I am. My main concerns are my brother disrespecting me and constantly being in my face, but those are most definitely petty in comparison to the problems I have with my boyfriend.

A positive is the bills would be split three ways, so that helps. And I have decided I will be getting a job regardless of my living situation.