This thread has completely thrown me.

I didn't read it for ages - didn't think it applied to me. Didn't resonate at all. But its saturday morning, Im bored, and surfing.

But I can identify with pretty much every response. I knew I got really really panicky before sessions, and I knew my T made me nervous, and I knew I felt really desperately uncomfortable, almost rebellious about my T having so much power/ control over my mind - and ultimately my life. And I certainly spend a lot of time in sessions staring at the floor, fiddling with accessories, dissociating off to god knows where, soft voicing it, or just cancelling altogether. But I never equated that with feeling vulnerable, let alone seeing it (all) as a coping mechanism for feeling vulnerable. I didn't really think I felt anything other than uncomfortable.

Its such a weird, surreal feeling - to realise that pretty much all my responses ever in therapy are down to me feeling vulnerable. I mean, it does make sense, but its kind of depressing. I thought I was stronger than that, and its making me want to quit even more now.