How do you cope with feeling vulnerable in session

T pointed out that I'm always hunched over in session. At the time I said it was because I'm tired, but I realized something later. I realized that I feel vulnerable in session and i feel safer hunched over. So far she's been kind towards me, but so have other people and they ended up hurting me, so I can't let my guard down too much. I can't allow myself to get attached.

I hunch whenever I feel vulnerable too. Sometimes I hurt myself and squirm a lot in the chair.

I've grown to tolerate the excruciating discomfort a little better as I learn that T is always kind and shows her respect of my discomfort and her desire to genuinely connect with me.

Other people have hurt me too but T is open about my fears of being hurt again.

I also do this and just get really tense and stare at the floor. I just shut down and I try not to and I know that my T would never hurt me but I just can't help it... sometimes T is able to help me out of it but other times she isn't

I stare at the floor or her shoes. I often play with my watch or necklace or my gemstone.

Apparently not well. I hold my breath, space out, close up, shut out, look away, tear up, close my eyes, etc...

I regress. My voice changes, and I sound like a small and gentle child. Sometimes my voice gets so soft, it turns into a whisper.

Is that even considered coping?

I usually tense up and squish myself up against the side of the chair. I will also stop answering T's questions properly and just say "I don't know" a lot and look at the floor.

What does attached mean to you here? Because attachment is just about how we relate to another person.

I'm insecure attachment style. I still struggle 12yrs on with looking T in the eyes or even facing her. I ALWAYS begin the session by scanning get book shelves. I know if she adds or moves a book -T's always impressed with that lol - but the work still gets done.

I cross my legs and arms, with a hand over my mouth. Not sure why I do this but it makes me feel safer. I tend to retreat from the topic if I start to feel overwhelmingly vulnerable.

I equate feeling vulnerable with feeling powerless and unsafe. I also in therapy have a tendency to hunch over, tense up and not be able to move. I also have to whisper words sometimes to get them out. I think that this is a defensive, protective, freeze response. But it doesn't feel good during or after, it's exhausting, frustrating.

Lately I'm really trying hard to break out of it before it gets too bad. I know I do it because I feel powerless and unsafe, but in reality it doesn't actually give me a sense of power, control or safety. I feel trapped, tense, agitated, disconnected when what I really want is release, relief, comfort, connection.

I've been experimenting with standing up, moving around the room, to combat dissociation. Sometimes when I feel vulnerable now, I find it helps to get up and stand behind my chair or the big desk next to it. Having something solid between me and T, a barrier, that I can also touch and hold on to feels protective and grounding, reducing the unsafe feeling. Moving and standing up gives me a sense of power, control and agency (I don't let T stand up), reducing the feelings of powerlessness.

So I'm still responding to the feelings of powerlessness and danger that being vulnerable evokes in me and the need to act on them, but in a way that doesn't make me shut down, which I think might actually increase the feelings of powerlessness and danger. It's easier to keep talking and keep facing T this way (even though I don't make eye contact she can still see my face, I'm not hunched over/hiding my face). So I'm meeting my defensive need for power/control/self-protection but not in a way that makes it completely impossible to meet my conflicting need for connection, comfort, like I was doing before.

Anyway, it's a work in progress, it's still hard not to tense up, hide and freeze as that is my natural instinct. I hope this all makes sense, I'm really anxious as this is my first proper post!

I stare at my feet and think about how much I would like to just sink through the floor.

I generally feel uneasy in my sessions, though. I have to force myself to make eye contact with my therapists, especially with my uni therapist. I really can't look at her most of the time, because she makes me feel extremely vulnerable. The way I feel about her makes me also feel small and helpless, full of emotions that scare me, that I don't know what to do with. So I will look down, or stare at the walls, and sometimes I'll play with my hair or something. Maybe I should try to talk about it, or face it somehow (hah!), but that's a terrifying thought, lol.

yes it is

First thing I do every session is take my shoes off and curl up into a ball on the chair. I can talk better that way. And I always bring a loose cardi to wrap up in. I will often rub my arms and hug myself while I talk.

This thread has completely thrown me.

I didn't read it for ages - didn't think it applied to me. Didn't resonate at all. But its saturday morning, Im bored, and surfing.

But I can identify with pretty much every response. I knew I got really really panicky before sessions, and I knew my T made me nervous, and I knew I felt really desperately uncomfortable, almost rebellious about my T having so much power/ control over my mind - and ultimately my life. And I certainly spend a lot of time in sessions staring at the floor, fiddling with accessories, dissociating off to god knows where, soft voicing it, or just cancelling altogether. But I never equated that with feeling vulnerable, let alone seeing it (all) as a coping mechanism for feeling vulnerable. I didn't really think I felt anything other than uncomfortable.

Its such a weird, surreal feeling - to realise that pretty much all my responses ever in therapy are down to me feeling vulnerable. I mean, it does make sense, but its kind of depressing. I thought I was stronger than that, and its making me want to quit even more now.

I don't think it has anything to do with weakness, not really. If anything, It's a sign of strength that you have continued to go, despite being desperately uncomfortable. And who wouldn't feel at least a little bit uncomfortable or vulnerable baring their soul to someone period, let alone someone who does not bare theirs back to you?

Aren't people always saying that bravery isn't a lack of fear, it's the overcoming of it? Any day I manage to get out of bed and put on pants despite feeling afraid, anxious, vulnerable, or depressed is a win.

And if I can get through a session without punching the person trying to help me (because sometimes the situation IS that threatening to me) then, well, bully for me.

I'll stare at the floor or T's diplomas and play with my necklace or rings...anything to avoid eye contact. And then I usually wait for T to say something so I don't have to.

Lately I've been super vulnerable though, to the point of crying and not being able to control it...but crying can be good, and it took me a really long time to be able to cry in T...I think 2 or 3 years (with the same T).