I had a pretty decent 2 months stretch. For me it was stable. Then i got a little out of whack. I took PRNs, settled back to 'normal' for me. Then I decided I didn't need AP anymore, so I stopped. Which led to some nice hypomania, that didn't really last and some parts of the day I'd have that really really good feeling, other times irritable and little focus. I told my MD I quit the AP which he didn't endorse and said to at least consider it PRN if I feel out of balance. And to take 100mg more of lamictal (300 total, in a split dose).

I talked to a couple nurse friends (psych RNs), and my mom. I now agree to do the lamictal, and started the AP again as routine starting yesterday. I got a lot of sleep yesterday/last night. It helped to talk to them.

SO....I just want balance. Hypomania can be very fun, but it's just a false sensation from neurochemicals. And then leads to tailspins.

I have a new job, I'm doing OK, I'm making a living again. I want and need to keep that. "stable" seems so boring to me, when I'm on the higher end of the spectrum. If 'stable' means I avoid or minimize depressive episodes, which WILL come back unless I'm medicated, then I guess so be it. I'll have a 'stable' boring life but that beats the alternatives. I've never been hospitalized but have been to a 4 week daily outpatient program twice. I do not ever want or need to do that again. It did really help, saw MD at least once a week and made changes along the way, and left the program 'stable'.

SO....I'll take what MD says and stop denying I have a medical condition that needs treatment, and for the time being that includes meds.

My current meds are now: 150 lamictal twice a day; 0.5 Risperdal at night; 0.25 klonopin at night. I want as little meds as possible and these doses are not that bad considering was on a lot more a year ago. Exercise is a medicine as far as I'm concerned, so is nutrition, so is sleep hygiene. So that combination, along with meds, can help me stay on track and live this pending 'boring' 'stable' life.