Quote:
Originally Posted by motherme
Owned my own home for 26 years and found myself with health issues that left me no longer able to care for my property as I had done before. For 2 years my youngest daughter had been asking me for 2 years to move to Texas with her husband and my thirteen year old granddaugter. Two other grandchildren that I was very close to were no longer living in the home. I was quite hesitant to make such a move as I feared a possible loss of my independence. This is so much more complicated than the way that I am writing this but hope to be able to explain as I receive either questions or responses from who ever may reply.
I sold my house, gave away to all my friends all my furniture tools etc., and packed up my 2 dogs and drove with my granddaughter a 3 day roadtrip to Texas.
I was not even greeted by my daughter and a couple of hours later when she did come downstairs I could immediately tell something was just not right. Evidently my granddaughter (daughter of my daughter in Texas) knew something wasn't right as she called me that evening to see if I was ok. I thought that quite strange. That evening my daughter started making bully statements to me which I did not understand. The second night she was actually in my face because I did not do what she had demanded the first night. The next morning she says "do you know what we were fighting about last night of which I said no and she further states neither do I" Again I was thrown off guard but still trying to not react until I could get a better handle on whatever was going on.
By late morning she had asked me did I have a good sexual relationship with her father (my first husband) and I said no. She had asked did he rape me. I had stated that was not a question I would answer to her. She kept on demanding and I mean demanding an answer (I did not recognize who this person was) and I finally answered "husbands cannot rape their wives". She started screaming the demand and I finally answered yes That was my only answer (which I know now that it was poor judgement on my part to answer her) She went berserk and stated that I had ruined her whole life because she was the result of that rape, that this would just define her for the rest of her whole life. I had asked for her to go to counciling with me so that we could understand this. That was an absolute no. To not make this any lengthier than it is I will end with her letting me know that she could not heal about this with me living there so I was going to have to leave. That evening I left with my dogs to a motel and two days later packed my car and moved back to town where I came from. I truly was in a state of shock. This has been almost 2 years now since we talked and instead of being hurt anymore I am now angry. If she called me right now I would let her know that I feel this would be a very toxic relationship and I prefer not to have that kind of a relationship. I am feeling guilty as a mom. My oldest daughter says that I am the mom so I have to be the bigger person and suck it up. Reactions please as this is something I am carrying everyday.
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I will respond first to the last statement - you are the mom so you have to suck it up. Bullcrap. NO ONE no matter the role in the relationship is obligated to endure abuse from someone else and that is exactly what your daughter did.
First off, it is clear that your daughter most likely has the tendency to find reasons to abuse others, demean and belittle them or in essence abuse them. She was looking for a reason to kick you back out and this is not at all about the way she was conceived but she has an agenda to be fulfilled. From what I see I cannot tell you why that is, maybe you know better why she would carry resentment toward you, but it really seems like she was prepared and ready for the whole incident prior to your arrival.
I dunno if it's about the rape (not sure if you just said it happened or that it did and didn't want to say so) but fact is, the way that she was conceived has no bearing on who she is or the rest of her life unless she makes it so. This is entirely on her. If she wants this to make her feel different about all of her life, and her whole identity that's up to her, that is not your fault. IN fact furthermore, the idea that if you did get raped, how is that even your doing or your mistake or fault? That she is focusing the blame on you, the victim makes very little sense, which again brings me to the idea that she is the type of person who looks for things to be angry about and when she somehow got information on this background, she found her fuse to be lit on her powder keg of brewing rage.
You were invited to live with her, she kicked you to the curb soon after, without your doing anything actively wrong, she smashed you to the ground and told you to go on your way. It is not up to you to make things right, I see no wrong in your actions except maybe trying to be a mother by shielding her precious child from a truth that could not have made her life any better had she known. If she doesn't understand that, there is little you can do to change her mind right now anyway and I believe your "sucking it up" would only serve as a means to enable her to continue her barrage of abuse on you.
Take care of you. Toxic people should be removed from your life regardless of blood ties. To me, family isn't about the blood you were born into, it's about the relationships you've forged and much of the time the blood relatives are the ones that are the weakest relationships and least, truly family-like.
idk if this helps but I am sorry to hear about your pain. this just all around, is painful even to read about
