Daughter has blindsided me

Owned my own home for 26 years and found myself with health issues that left me no longer able to care for my property as I had done before. For 2 years my youngest daughter had been asking me for 2 years to move to Texas with her husband and my thirteen year old granddaugter. Two other grandchildren that I was very close to were no longer living in the home. I was quite hesitant to make such a move as I feared a possible loss of my independence. This is so much more complicated than the way that I am writing this but hope to be able to explain as I receive either questions or responses from who ever may reply.

I sold my house, gave away to all my friends all my furniture tools etc., and packed up my 2 dogs and drove with my granddaughter a 3 day roadtrip to Texas.

I was not even greeted by my daughter and a couple of hours later when she did come downstairs I could immediately tell something was just not right. Evidently my granddaughter (daughter of my daughter in Texas) knew something wasn't right as she called me that evening to see if I was ok. I thought that quite strange. That evening my daughter started making bully statements to me which I did not understand. The second night she was actually in my face because I did not do what she had demanded the first night. The next morning she says "do you know what we were fighting about last night of which I said no and she further states neither do I" Again I was thrown off guard but still trying to not react until I could get a better handle on whatever was going on.

By late morning she had asked me did I have a good sexual relationship with her father (my first husband) and I said no. She had asked did he rape me. I had stated that was not a question I would answer to her. She kept on demanding and I mean demanding an answer (I did not recognize who this person was) and I finally answered "husbands cannot rape their wives". She started screaming the demand and I finally answered yes That was my only answer (which I know now that it was poor judgement on my part to answer her) She went berserk and stated that I had ruined her whole life because she was the result of that rape, that this would just define her for the rest of her whole life. I had asked for her to go to counciling with me so that we could understand this. That was an absolute no. To not make this any lengthier than it is I will end with her letting me know that she could not heal about this with me living there so I was going to have to leave. That evening I left with my dogs to a motel and two days later packed my car and moved back to town where I came from. I truly was in a state of shock. This has been almost 2 years now since we talked and instead of being hurt anymore I am now angry. If she called me right now I would let her know that I feel this would be a very toxic relationship and I prefer not to have that kind of a relationship. I am feeling guilty as a mom. My oldest daughter says that I am the mom so I have to be the bigger person and suck it up. Reactions please as this is something I am carrying everyday.

I will respond first to the last statement - you are the mom so you have to suck it up. Bullcrap. NO ONE no matter the role in the relationship is obligated to endure abuse from someone else and that is exactly what your daughter did.

First off, it is clear that your daughter most likely has the tendency to find reasons to abuse others, demean and belittle them or in essence abuse them. She was looking for a reason to kick you back out and this is not at all about the way she was conceived but she has an agenda to be fulfilled. From what I see I cannot tell you why that is, maybe you know better why she would carry resentment toward you, but it really seems like she was prepared and ready for the whole incident prior to your arrival.

I dunno if it's about the rape (not sure if you just said it happened or that it did and didn't want to say so) but fact is, the way that she was conceived has no bearing on who she is or the rest of her life unless she makes it so. This is entirely on her. If she wants this to make her feel different about all of her life, and her whole identity that's up to her, that is not your fault. IN fact furthermore, the idea that if you did get raped, how is that even your doing or your mistake or fault? That she is focusing the blame on you, the victim makes very little sense, which again brings me to the idea that she is the type of person who looks for things to be angry about and when she somehow got information on this background, she found her fuse to be lit on her powder keg of brewing rage.

You were invited to live with her, she kicked you to the curb soon after, without your doing anything actively wrong, she smashed you to the ground and told you to go on your way. It is not up to you to make things right, I see no wrong in your actions except maybe trying to be a mother by shielding her precious child from a truth that could not have made her life any better had she known. If she doesn't understand that, there is little you can do to change her mind right now anyway and I believe your "sucking it up" would only serve as a means to enable her to continue her barrage of abuse on you.

Take care of you. Toxic people should be removed from your life regardless of blood ties. To me, family isn't about the blood you were born into, it's about the relationships you've forged and much of the time the blood relatives are the ones that are the weakest relationships and least, truly family-like.

idk if this helps but I am sorry to hear about your pain. this just all around, is painful even to read about

I am so sorry. When I first started reading I thought she might have pressured you into selling everything and moving in with her to liquidate your estate so she could get the money easier.

And I agree with the person above just because you are the mom doesn't mean you have to be the one to say sorry from what you posted you did nothing wrong.

I wish you the best of luck and just an FYI a husband can rape his wife. No means no no matter if you are married or not

absolutely. It merely requires that the sex is not consensual and one of the partners is forced. period.

I agree with the others here who say that you do not have to suck it up. What is your relationship with her like now?

I'm sorry you had to go through that. The huge positive is that, if I'm reading right, you still have the money from selling your house to live on.

While I understand this experience was pretty bad, I (like the other poster) was waiting to read that your daughter had stolen your money. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

I think at this point rekindling your relationship with her wouldn't be a good idea.

You did nothing wrong, and you certainly should not be sucking up anything!


Your daughter's treatment of you disgusts me, so I will refrain from saying anything further before I start spewing vitriol.


I'm really sorry you've been so grossly mistreated by her father as well as her, and then pressured to invite and accept more mistreatment by your older daughter.

Im wondering if something about this set your daughter off...

By late morning she had asked me did I have a good sexual relationship with her father (my first husband) and I said no. She had asked did he rape me. I had stated that was not a question I would answer to her. She kept on demanding and I mean demanding an answer (I did not recognize who this person was) and I finally answered "husbands cannot rape their wives". She started screaming the demand and I finally answered yes

here in the USA it is the crime of rape if anyone....stranger, friend , relative, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouse to force another into having sex. I know many husbands and wives that have committed and have been successfully prosecuted as part of state, federal sex abuse cases and part of domestic violence cases.

they are teaching in schools and colleges to that ....any one... regardless of relationship that forces another to have sex against their will or while that person is in a situation where they can not consent (drunk, drugged, under age, mentally or physically incapable according to the laws of consenting) is called rape.

mind you this is in the USA, other locations outside the USA may have other standards, federal and state laws about this.

it is hard for some people to discover their beginnings was not out of love but out of violence. but you cant force someone to get counseling here in the USA, all you can do is if she becomes a danger to herself or others is call the police, they will get her the help she may need at that moment of being a danger to herself or others.

that said you can get counseling for yourself to learn how to deal with your feelings and your relationship issues with these relatives.

you can also contact domestic violence and other community agencies that apply to your situation, they can help you so that you are not so dependent on others, maybe even have your own place again in an assisted living program.

I'm unclear as to how exactly Her Life is Ruined over a marriage between yourself and her father that included a tremendous amount of spousal abuse?

With your oldest daughter mentioning trying a relationship and with a 2year push to move in with your youngest daughter followed by one of the most cold and bizarre welcomings that I've heard of, I question the health of either her marriage or the state of her own emotional state of mind? If your first husband was abusive, there's a strong probability that he had a MI which can genetically pass along. Or if she's having marital struggles and experiencing abuse herself, then that could also explain pent up resentment and rage.

You offered family counseling. She refused.

Why does your oldest daughter believe you need to contact her sister?

Sorry you had to go through that.

Are you at peace in your hometown? Is everything otherwise ok?

Thank you cakeladie...your support gives me the strength to move forward to completely understand.

Thank you s4ndm4n2006 for caring enough to take the time to respond. Hugs!! motherme

Thank you Bill3 for responding. My relationship with her now is non existent. We have not communicated in almost 2 years. I am carrying too much hurt and anger to even consider contact of any kind. I do not like this feeling. Even when I divorced their dad 39 years ago I never had this much anger. This is my daughter...UGH !! I have just been carrying this inside for too long and choose to use this forum to put it on the table. Again thank you kind person.

I agree Molinit - It most certainly is not in the near future to rekindle. Thank you and hugs for responding.

Thank you Trippin2.0 for responding and also thank you for not "spewing vitriol" (I like your words) in regards to my daughter. I am sure she has some problems of her own that she chooses not to deal with. I am sorry I miscommunicated about my oldest daughter..although she can have a quick tongue (she is brutally honest) she is not abusive. Hugs and hope your day went well.

You are right healingme4me...Her relationship is not healthy and she herself has been under counciling since her 21 year old son was born. (Chemical imbalance and way to much medication) The ironic thing is she has her masters in social work..councils the military PTSD patients and is actually very good at it. Her advice to others is usually right on target but she cannot apply it to herself. Instead of repeating myself I hope that you are able to read my responses to the others that posted to me. I am not even sure if I am replying properly and if responses will show on one thread. I promise to find out all the ins and out of this forum - LOL I want to be able to use some of these emoji's so that I can send people like you Hugs etc.

I am comfortable in my own hometown but by using this forum I am working at getting a little more internal peace. Again thank you so much for responding !!

Hugs !!!

I'm sorry to hear about the anger that you have been carrying for so long. It must feel an immense burden. What would you think of counseling for yourself as a way to address and lessen the anger?

Hello amandalouise - My daughter was displaying anger before I used my poor judgement by answering her question. I agree with you about an individuals feelings about being conceived from violence. She was from day one shown true and unconditional love. She will even tell you to this day that she knows how much I love her. That is what is so hard.

I did go to counciling not too long after I got settled in a new residence. It was definitely beneficial and he felt I had good insight into what was going on but I am here now because I was seeing him for total confusion for what happened and for all the hurt that went with it. I have since than been working on rewriting my life and by doing this I have resolved so many things and had to look at some of my own issues and work on them daily. What brought me here was the hurt being replaced by anger. I don't want to be angry, I want to forgive. I no longer feel the need to take on the blame for where she is right now but am angry that not only would she do something like this to her mom but realizing now that she is capable of inflicting that kind of hurt on another. She just was not raised that way.

I live alone not with anyone else and anyone that knows me knows of my independance. I could never be dependant on another nor would I choose to be a victim. I forgave their dad for his part in this as it was later discovered that he was not a mentally well man. I was with one of my daughters to help her and him pass on to the other side. The other two of my daughters had separated from him by the time they were 16 and 18. I hope this clarifys this a bit more by answering some of your responses. I truly appreciated your response. Hugs and please have a good day.

Yes Bill your suggestion regarding counseling is quite valid. I did go for the original confusion and hurt and if my using this forum to get the reasons for my anger out of my head and put it in front of me so that I can deal with the anger than I will definitely do just that. I believe the healing from all of this is a process and I am willing to go through the process. I just want to take the right steps and not just rely on my own perceptions. Hugs !!!

Motherme?

Mothers and fathers get blamed for ruining their children's live all the time. They are easy scapegoats. It seems to me your daughter used you as the source of all her problems as it was easier for her to not take resposibility for her OWN life.

That being said....it doesn't make her actions any less traumatic for you.

Hang in Mom. YOU do not need to make the first move. Your daughter must do it herself. Until such a time comes.....please try to stop beating yourself up. Easier said than done, I know, but try.

xoxBun

Thank you Mr. Bun for your input and also your insight. In the last day or so it is as though a light bulb came on. I think taking this out of my head and putting it on the table on this forum as I had said earlier in one of my post that I so much needed (being a very private person I had been internalizing it by myself) gave me enough room in there to go back to my roots. I have always lived by "God grant me the serenity to change what I can, accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference". I like to think that I do not hide behind this but use it to the best of my ability to face truths and use those truths to have the wisdom to know the difference. I allowed my hurt and anger to control my thoughts and keep me stuck. All of you that posted gave me what was needed to see that "lightbulb" Thank you thank you thank you all.

Many hugs !!!

Well, to disagree with another poster, I do think parents have a lot of effect on how we turn out as kids and some of the mental health issues we have to then deal with as adults, BUT, and here's the big BUT, when you become an adult, they become your issues to deal with. We all had parents who put stuff upon us, emotionally or physically. When you grow up, it's your responsibility to learn to cope with it, the good and the bad, and grow from it. That may require professional help, it may not. Some people had better parents than others.

But I digress. To your story, motherme, I think your daughter did exactly as you stated, she blindsided you. She begged you to move in with her, but maybe that was a false request. Like something she was doing to get something out of it, make her feel like a good daughter, but then when she was confronted with it, was unhappy she had suggested it. I think her demands of you that you tell her about your sexual relationship with her father were ABSOLUTELY NONE OF HER BUSINESS. I'm sorry you felt you had to respond to those attacks. I would never question my mother about her sexual relationship with my father or her relationship period with my father. It was bad and left me traumatized, and at times I'd like to know certain things, but in the end, the answers don't change anything. I still have to move on and decide whom I'm going to be.

Strangely enough, my mother recently admitted to me that she was sexually abused as a child, which I thought was a great step that she is admitting it to herself and seeking help for it. She seems a lot more stable than she has in the past.

I think you're a good mom in that you care about your daughter but she obviously has some demons to deal with, maybe regarding how she perceives her parents' relationship or maybe just how she perceives herself. Please know that's work that she has to do on her own. It's great if you are there for her as a supporting mother, but don't be codependent. Don't think you can fix her. She has to fix herself. I speak as a daughter having been in a similar situation to where your daughter is now. If she wants to be happy and move past things in her past that have made her unhappy, well, that's work she has to do. You can't do it for her.

You don't have to be the bigger person and try and console her and contact her and keep bugging her. In fact, I would say that's being a weak person, not a "bigger" person. If you want to be the "bigger" person, be open to a renewed relationship with her when/if she comes around. Recognize that she has some hard stuff she's trying to reconcile and, unfortunately, she took that out on you. You didn't do anything wrong. And no one has the right to abuse you, daughter, brother, sister, mother, no matter the relationship.

When I finally got a healthy place and reconnected with my mother, it means the world to me that she was open and warm and ready to reconnect with me as well. And I really treasure the relationship I have with her now. It's not perfect, and it's not what it was, but it feels healthier and loving.

I'm sorry that you went through such an atrocity as marital rape, but as others have said, your daughter really should be supporting you in that, not making it all about her. Maybe she wasn't conceived in love, but she was raised in love by you, obviously. Isn't that more important? That the woman who bore her loves her? I'm not in her shoes so I can't say that maybe it wouldn't bother me to find that out, but I think if my mother loved me and didn't resent me, it probably wouldn't matter.

I think you did the right thing in going back to your town and finding your own place. You sound like a very independent lady, and I think living with your daughter, even if it had started better, may have turned out to be too stifling.

Enjoy your independence, and I hope your daughter gets the help she needs so you can have a relationship with her again someday.

Seesaw

Wow - There were so many areas and issues that you were right on point. I read your bio and see how talented you are in the arts but you also have some tremendous analytical skills. My heart and soul will always be open to my daughter - I just needed to put the anger where it belonged. I have no desire to contact her and will not do so but still miss her every day. My daughter has had many years of counciling under her belt and actually is a councilor herself. She has been taking medication for 20+ years for Medical disorders. I truly should have seen all the signs but I lived in Chicago and she lived in Texas. We talked at least once per week and she would expose her control issues with her childrens schools, their lives etc. but was very good and convincing that she was working at a therapeutic level of life. It is way too much to go into but I thank you so much for your input. I am back to where I belong right now - Remembering what has always worked for me in the past. "God grant me the serenity to change what I can, accept what I can't and the wisdom to know the difference". My anger just seems to be dissipating. I have been holding it all in and dealing with it myself and as I said earlier - this forum was the answer to help me put all in perspective. May your week be filled with peace and harmony within yourself. Hugs !!