Today was the most difficult I have faced, emotion-wise, in a while.
I sobbed (which is something I don't do because I've spent years trying to hide that I cry from the people around me, so I do my best to make sure I cry quietly.) This crying fit was brought on when I discussed my feelings with a guy friend (who happens to be the person I'd like to spend life with.) He sat calmly and listened, then told me how sorry he was that and gave me a hug. His kind gentleness caused even more out-pouring of emotion. I love this man with all of my being. I wanted to tell him that I love him so much; that I have loved him since we were 7 years old. He knows, because I've told him before, but in the moment we were sitting together, I wanted to say it again. I didn't, though, because he has a girlfriend and saying it feels like I'm somehow try to interfere with his relationship. Then I started crying after straightening up from the second bout of crying because I thought of how I can't be with him. Why can I be satisfied with his friendship?

After the emotional situation with my friend, I assumed I'd feel better after letting the tears flow. Nope. Sitting down with my mother caused another outburst. My mother and I have had a complicated relationship since the day I was born. We are both extremely strong-willed and rebellious yet we're also insecure and unsure of ourselves. We both terrified of being rejected and abandoned by our loved ones. Because of our similarities, we often clash. Today I apologized for the 1 billionth time for the the insufferable, stubborn, opinionated person that I usually am and, for the 1 billionth time, she forgave me. This understanding made me feel even worse about how I've acted in my life and all the crap she's endured because of me. Why can I be reassured by the fact that she loves me enough to forgive me repeatedly for my stupidity?

To the point: I'm an emotional wreck today and needed to share my experience, for a reason I'm yet to figure out. And now, I'm stop treating the forum as a personal blog. Thank you for reading about my insanity. I love you for it.