A mess of emotions

Today was the most difficult I have faced, emotion-wise, in a while.
I sobbed (which is something I don't do because I've spent years trying to hide that I cry from the people around me, so I do my best to make sure I cry quietly.) This crying fit was brought on when I discussed my feelings with a guy friend (who happens to be the person I'd like to spend life with.) He sat calmly and listened, then told me how sorry he was that and gave me a hug. His kind gentleness caused even more out-pouring of emotion. I love this man with all of my being. I wanted to tell him that I love him so much; that I have loved him since we were 7 years old. He knows, because I've told him before, but in the moment we were sitting together, I wanted to say it again. I didn't, though, because he has a girlfriend and saying it feels like I'm somehow try to interfere with his relationship. Then I started crying after straightening up from the second bout of crying because I thought of how I can't be with him. Why can I be satisfied with his friendship?

After the emotional situation with my friend, I assumed I'd feel better after letting the tears flow. Nope. Sitting down with my mother caused another outburst. My mother and I have had a complicated relationship since the day I was born. We are both extremely strong-willed and rebellious yet we're also insecure and unsure of ourselves. We both terrified of being rejected and abandoned by our loved ones. Because of our similarities, we often clash. Today I apologized for the 1 billionth time for the the insufferable, stubborn, opinionated person that I usually am and, for the 1 billionth time, she forgave me. This understanding made me feel even worse about how I've acted in my life and all the crap she's endured because of me. Why can I be reassured by the fact that she loves me enough to forgive me repeatedly for my stupidity?

To the point: I'm an emotional wreck today and needed to share my experience, for a reason I'm yet to figure out. And now, I'm stop treating the forum as a personal blog. Thank you for reading about my insanity. I love you for it.

(((Hugs)))

May tomorrow be better.
Seesaw

It's not easy to hold back such strong feelings. It might take a long time for you to redirect your hope. If you accept it is going to be a friendship, you should keep boundaries in place to respect his other relationship. I was in a situation like that where I opened up to a girl I knew for 4 years after she just got engaged. I thought it was my last chance. She got conflicted, but after she went home and called the guy, she called me to tell me we could just be friends. In my case, the friendship in reality ended that day and it felt I made a choice to risk the friendship by telling her how I felt that day...I am not sure.

Those are tough emotions to sort out.