Quote:
Originally Posted by retro_chic
Not exactly. When I asked for the hug I also said that I know she will probably say no because it is not appropriate. After we talked about why I need her to hug me/what it means for me etc. T agreed that it wouldn't be appropriate and asked me how I felt about that. I said I didn't know. T knew I didn't want to talk about it anymore and asked if I wanted to come back to it later and if I want to change the subject. I guess I will have to talk to her about this more next week.
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Why would a hug be inappropriate? I am surprised your therapist agreed with "inappropriate" and wonder if she is mirroring you to allow it to be explored in more depth, or if she really thinks it's inappropriate.
I've told you before that your posts sound just like me when i first started psychodynamic therapy as I have very similar emotional and cognitive architecture and schemas as you do. So i want to share a little story from back when i was at the same time in therapy as you, just starting with a psychodynamic therapist.
After a couple months of therapy with a new therapist, i told him I had frequent strong urges to text him in between sessions. We explored the issue, and I told the reason I didn't text him was because "it was inappropriate". Unlike your therapist, he didn't agree with me. He had no judgement and was neutral about it. Well a week later, I simply texted him. Up until the text, i had horrible panic attacks at the thought of doing it (actually annihilation anxiety), but just did it. It was a huge relief! After that, I was able to be more intimate, experience more closeness, in therapy. After other episodes of increasing closeness, the annihilation anxiety type of panic attacks abated.
But I was wondering-this reminds me of your dream you posted about a while back. In that dream, the concept of the closeness avoidance conflict manifested in your wanting to be completely free to be yourself around her then shutting the door on her. I wonder if this is related?
Quote:
Originally Posted by retro_chic
I had a therapist who actually asked me if she could have a hug. It was our last session so that might be why. My current T has rather strict boundaries and doesn't allow me to email her between sessions unless it is for scheduling purposes. I thought I was over that but this no hug thing has brought up feelings about that too.
I have a strong urge to quit but I'm too attached to T to leave her  . I don't like being angry at T and whenever I have unpleasant feelings towards someone I manage to turn them back onto myself which just fuels my existing self hatred. |
I hope it helps to talk about your self hatred with her. I have been experiencing something similar with current T. But after years of turning the anger back on myself, i am just now starting to release it outwardly as a result of him acting like a jerk. It didn't help with my depression, apparently, and my self worth got much worse after working with this therapist. So i wonder if the adverse affects of years of self worth injury will outweigh the release of anger. Maybe. Just be careful of working with someone who will continually not meet your normal, human needs. I never saw this coming in my case.
