Intense and eventful session

That is pretty much my default setting when it is too hard. I go back to bed about 4 times a day. Sometimes it is what is needed.You can get through it though. Hugs

Why would a hug be inappropriate? I am surprised your therapist agreed with "inappropriate" and wonder if she is mirroring you to allow it to be explored in more depth, or if she really thinks it's inappropriate.

I've told you before that your posts sound just like me when i first started psychodynamic therapy as I have very similar emotional and cognitive architecture and schemas as you do. So i want to share a little story from back when i was at the same time in therapy as you, just starting with a psychodynamic therapist.

After a couple months of therapy with a new therapist, i told him I had frequent strong urges to text him in between sessions. We explored the issue, and I told the reason I didn't text him was because "it was inappropriate". Unlike your therapist, he didn't agree with me. He had no judgement and was neutral about it. Well a week later, I simply texted him. Up until the text, i had horrible panic attacks at the thought of doing it (actually annihilation anxiety), but just did it. It was a huge relief! After that, I was able to be more intimate, experience more closeness, in therapy. After other episodes of increasing closeness, the annihilation anxiety type of panic attacks abated.

But I was wondering-this reminds me of your dream you posted about a while back. In that dream, the concept of the closeness avoidance conflict manifested in your wanting to be completely free to be yourself around her then shutting the door on her. I wonder if this is related?

I hope it helps to talk about your self hatred with her. I have been experiencing something similar with current T. But after years of turning the anger back on myself, i am just now starting to release it outwardly as a result of him acting like a jerk. It didn't help with my depression, apparently, and my self worth got much worse after working with this therapist. So i wonder if the adverse affects of years of self worth injury will outweigh the release of anger. Maybe. Just be careful of working with someone who will continually not meet your normal, human needs. I never saw this coming in my case.

Firstly, thank you so much for such a detailed reply!
I'm not sure why my therapist agreed that it would not be appropriate to hug. I didn't ask her because by that point I had kind of shut down and didn't want to talk about it anymore so T asked if I wanted to just put to the side for now and change the topic. I have read a few things just by googling about T's not hugging and intellectually it makes sense but emotionally it is hard to understand.

I have been feeling quite anxious since the session and I can't really put my finger on why. Also, I was wondering what does annihilation anxiety mean?

I've actually dreamt about T the past two nights. The first dream was pretty uneventful: I was at the bank depositing $89 (random I know) and I saw T there and she smiled and said "Hi, how's it going" I smiled back and said I was good then T left. The other dream which I had last night was more eventful. I dreamt I was in my next session and I asked her why she won't hug me. T gave me some rambling response that made no sense. Then I suddenly remembered I had an assignment due the next day that I completely forgot to start (i'm not in school or university anymore). I started crying and freaking out and T went with me to the school/uni (I'm not sure which one it was meant to be) to help me sort it out. I'm not quite sure what all that means...

I hope talking about the self hatred will help. I'm going to ask my T how exactly her not meeting my needs is supposed to help me because I genuinely do not understand how that is helpful. My T does meet some of my other needs such as being empathetic, understanding and non-judgmental. She is also consistent and reliable. I guess those things just aren't enough for me; I always crave more.

I just googled "annihilation anxiety" and yup, that is definitely what I have. I never knew there was a name for it!

My ex-t would try to convince me that wanting validation, reassurance, sympathy was not good for me. That I should give that to myself so she would rarely do those things. I tried to believe what she said and understood what she was trying to do. I defended her due to my attachment.
New and current T said she can't believe I was shamed for wanting what could be defined as basic human needs. She has been very validating reassuring and sympathetic. It hasn't made me worse and I have felt the most normal I've ever felt in therapy. I'm actually less dependent on her and less depressed.
My point is this is your therapist's opinion but ultimately you get to decide what is best for you and what will help you heal.
In my last sessions with ex-t I told her that I DO need those things for many reasons. She agreed which made me more angry. She knew I needed them but just wasn't willing to give them to me.
It might be a good exercise to interview other therapists. I thought no one in my small town would be willing to give more and I was wrong.

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I stopped treatment with one T cuz he rejected things I told him. He also asked suggestive questions and gave the answer himself. An example: do you overestimate yourself. Thats one of my biggest issues: self esteem. What purpose does it have to make ones ego even smaller than it is? When someone feels rejected easily and needs just a bit reassurance, why would some T do the opposite? They think in this way you become stronger and less depressed? I left the hospital where I have T sessions sometimes more depressed than when I went. Who is crazy here?
I think you should feel comfortable with a T and he/she should help you and not kick you deeper into depression.

I think I need to clarify that my T did not shame me for asking for a hug and she has been nothing but validating empathetic towards me. The conversation about hugging was basically put on hold because I was starting to shutdown. My T has asked me before what I would like her to do in those situations and I said I think it would be best if we change the subject so that is what we did. I don't want to find a new T as I have a good connection with this one and I have learnt a lot from her. Also, as far as feeling more depressed after the session, I was kind of teetering on the edge anyway and even the slightest breeze could tip me over. I also started on a new medication a week ago so that would not have kicked in yet. I think there are too many factors here to put all the blame on my T.

That sounds positive Retro and I am pleased you are comfortable with your situation and that your T responded in the way that you two had agreed. I guess sometimes it is too easy to get carried away with a bit of 'T bashing' when actually it all needs to be taken in perspective. I hope you can continue your discussion around it when you feel able to, and that you have a good connection there for you.

I'm still curious about why a hug is inappropriate?

Yeah, me too. I will be asking my T on Thursday when I see her and will let you know what she says.

I did find this interesting article that offers a pretty good reason why a T won't hug:
https://boundaryninjatales.com/2011/...t-really-isnt/

But didn't you use first say a hug was inappropriate? sure, there are reasons therapists might not hug, and inappropriate usually isn't one of them. I was wondering why you thought it was.

Maybe I should ask my T if she really thinks it is inappropriate or if she has other reasons and just said that because that was the word I used? I'm not sure why I said it wouldn't be appropriate... Perhaps because I feel uncomfortable needing something from her and I feel guilty for imposing something on her? All things to discuss in my next session I guess!