Quote:
Originally Posted by Coconutzo
I'm tired of dealing with everything to do with my head. I'm tired of obsessive self monitoring. I'm tired of checking in with doctors as if they know what's good for me. I'm tired of therapy. I'm tired of self indulgent worrying. I'm tired of pills.
I'm feeling like I (admittedly feel every summer) can just make some lifestyle changes and give up on "treating" my "mental illness". I feel like I don't have bipolar but am a giant impetuous child who pathetically and desperately just wants attention.
All roads lead to more meds and doctors and a troubling topsy turvy rambling life. All roads lead to me losing more control and resilience. I used to just get up and get through the day no matter how I felt. Maybe not even knowing how I felt. It didn't matter. I just lived. And I was great at it.
Sure I had ups and downs, but now I don't know myself. I'm angry and nothing about my life makes any sense. Everything is extreme and isolating, sweeping, dramatic. Exhausting.
I want to quit.
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For what it's worth, I often feel like this as well (or much of it and similar things).
BP developed for a reason. My personality developed for a reason. Maybe I should have more faith in myself and ignore anyone who has problems with my behaviour. I could explain, but they still wouldn't approve. Treatment makes us docile and weak. At least all the talk. It's conditional love/care.
I also did have a lot more resilience. Now I'm just afraid of myself.