[OctobersBlackRose]

Welp I got a phone call that my therapist wasn't in today, so my.appointment was cancelled for today. Rescheduled for next week, sucks, I kind of needed that session today. Oh well, at least I can try and sleep, since I didn't sleep last night, brain wouldn't shut off, intact it still won't shut off, grr. A bit paranoid today, more than yesterday, so far no voices or visuals, I do feel a presence thought...

[pirilin]

My eyes are fine. Only I visited a establishment where they sell hard liquor. Was there too long. And too often. My eyes want to slide down from hangover now.

[raspberrytorte]

I feel like I have a hangover and I didn't even drink last night.

We were able to do a file share between my laptop and our other computer, so I have everything now.

[Wander]

Aaaagghgghhhh!!!!

Read sorry post for explanation

[Unrigged64072835]

Felt better after T this morning. Most of it was griping about my family of origin again, but with Father's Day and my brother's birthday coming this close together, I was exceptionally grumpy this weekend. With my parents gone there's not much I can do, and my brother doesn't speak to me anyway. I've tried reaching out to him but it's like a brick wall. So I gripe about it in T and it helps. Other than that not much.

I have allergies still, so I can't taste anything

I'm currently eating roasted brussels sprouts from the cafeteria at work. I hate brussels sprouts, but I can't taste them! So I'm totally okay with this.

[raspberrytorte]

Short of complete shut down, I'm not sure what's going to help me right now.

[Coconutzo]

I'm tired of dealing with everything to do with my head. I'm tired of obsessive self monitoring. I'm tired of checking in with doctors as if they know what's good for me. I'm tired of therapy. I'm tired of self indulgent worrying. I'm tired of pills.
I'm feeling like I (admittedly feel every summer) can just make some lifestyle changes and give up on "treating" my "mental illness". I feel like I don't have bipolar but am a giant impetuous child who pathetically and desperately just wants attention.
All roads lead to more meds and doctors and a troubling topsy turvy rambling life. All roads lead to me losing more control and resilience. I used to just get up and get through the day no matter how I felt. Maybe not even knowing how I felt. It didn't matter. I just lived. And I was great at it.
Sure I had ups and downs, but now I don't know myself. I'm angry and nothing about my life makes any sense. Everything is extreme and isolating, sweeping, dramatic. Exhausting.
I want to quit.

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[pirilin]

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

I'm tired of dealing with everything to do with my head. I'm tired of obsessive self monitoring. I'm tired of checking in with doctors as if they know what's good for me. I'm tired of therapy. I'm tired of self indulgent worrying. I'm tired of pills.
I'm feeling like I (admittedly feel every summer) can just make some lifestyle changes and give up on "treating" my "mental illness". I feel like I don't have bipolar but am a giant impetuous child who pathetically and desperately just wants attention.
All roads lead to more meds and doctors and a troubling topsy turvy rambling life. All roads lead to me losing more control and resilience. I used to just get up and get through the day no matter how I felt. Maybe not even knowing how I felt. It didn't matter. I just lived. And I was great at it.
Sure I had ups and downs, but now I don't know myself. I'm angry and nothing about my life makes any sense. Everything is extreme and isolating, sweeping, dramatic. Exhausting.
I want to quit.

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Methinks you may need med adjustment. Sometimes, less is more.
Who knows, maybe you can live the fantasy. I can't for now.. Good luck.

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Methinks you may need med adjustment. Sometimes, less is more.

Who knows, maybe you can live the fantasy. I can't for now.. Good luck.

Thanks.
I wish I wasn't so frustrated. I wish the fantasy was easier. I'm pretty anxious today

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[Gabyunbound]

Seeing a new pdoc today because mine is now on maternity leave. I'm really nervous, especially because I'm going to both have a resident there as well as the head of the Bipolar Clinic at the same time in the room. I'm not good at opening up and I just hope they will help me feel comfortable.

I want a change in meds but am conflicted as to what I want, what might help, or not help... I've seen so many differing experiences/opinions here on the forum, though what I've read has also been helpful.

I hope they can help me find something that won't make me sedated and with cognitive/memory issues. But I need something that will help me sleep too. And I don't want to just add another med, I feel like I already take too many.

I'm really nervous, I'm scared...Ugh, ugh, ugh...

[hopeless2015]

Came in to work a little late this morning but I'm here. Day is progressing fairly well. I'm not obsessed with the time and I'm getting **** done

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I was afraid I was falling into a depression but as of today I don't think so. I think I've just been stressed and sick. I'm stable as far as I know and that is good enough for me right now. I was really stressed and worried that if crash after my recent manic episode but so far it hasn't happened and it's been awhile so I may be in the clear! Woohoo... Time to listen to some Gaga and dance

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

I'm tired of dealing with everything to do with my head. I'm tired of obsessive self monitoring. I'm tired of checking in with doctors as if they know what's good for me. I'm tired of therapy. I'm tired of self indulgent worrying. I'm tired of pills.
I'm feeling like I (admittedly feel every summer) can just make some lifestyle changes and give up on "treating" my "mental illness". I feel like I don't have bipolar but am a giant impetuous child who pathetically and desperately just wants attention.
All roads lead to more meds and doctors and a troubling topsy turvy rambling life. All roads lead to me losing more control and resilience. I used to just get up and get through the day no matter how I felt. Maybe not even knowing how I felt. It didn't matter. I just lived. And I was great at it.
Sure I had ups and downs, but now I don't know myself. I'm angry and nothing about my life makes any sense. Everything is extreme and isolating, sweeping, dramatic. Exhausting.
I want to quit.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

For what it's worth, I often feel like this as well (or much of it and similar things).

BP developed for a reason. My personality developed for a reason. Maybe I should have more faith in myself and ignore anyone who has problems with my behaviour. I could explain, but they still wouldn't approve. Treatment makes us docile and weak. At least all the talk. It's conditional love/care.

I also did have a lot more resilience. Now I'm just afraid of myself.

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by Icare dixit

For what it's worth, I often feel like this as well (or much of it and similar things).


BP developed for a reason. My personality developed for a reason. Maybe I should have more faith in myself and ignore anyone who has problems with my behaviour. I could explain, but they still wouldn't approve. Treatment makes us docile and weak. At least all the talk. It's conditional love/care.


I also did have a lot more resilience. Now I'm just afraid of myself.

Right? So scared of myself. I used to never have anxiety and now I live in it.
This house has fleshy paper walls

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[gina_re]

Somebody likes me!!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Somebody likes me!!

You know it!

I seem to be really resentful these days. I haven't had the acknowledgement or signs of appreciation for all the work I volunteered lately. I've gotten my shirt in such a knot about it I have even wondered if it is delusional for me to expect a thankyou.

I'm not feeling like this is the right fit for me these last couple of days. And it's not what anybody's done at all or anything. Idk, I feel if I say why I'm just gonna piss a lot of ppl off. I'm always like this. Trying to find ppl just like me, that have gone through what I've gone through. It'll never happen. So I just need to accept it. Who knows...

And I feel like I'm boring, like I annoy ppl. I used to be so different. Thinner, was always on the go. That psychosis ruined me in so many ways. But on the bright side I am losing weight. I still can barely move bc of my back, but I am eating way less. I just wish I was the way I used to be without the horrible ups and downs. But I miss hypomanias soooo much. So much. It s what it is...

Rose, I have felt the same and then come back. I hope you decide to rejoin us in the future.

Well I don't think I'm leaving, just not gonna post as much. Thanks...

[raspberrytorte]

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. It's like my word vomit from my last situation never went away. Except now it's just mean! And angry. I'm spreading my misery everywhere without meaning to. I say **** without thinking and afterwards realize it was horrible!

I want to slap myself in the face. I want to kick my own ***. I'm so mad about this. God. I'm even disgusted with myself for posting this. I hate this. Stupid baby. Just SHUT UP and everything will be fine.

[pirilin]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. It's like my word vomit from my last situation never went away. Except now it's just mean! And angry. I'm spreading my misery everywhere without meaning to. I say **** without thinking and afterwards realize it was horrible!

I want to slap myself in the face. I want to kick my own ***. I'm so mad about this. God. I'm even disgusted with myself for posting this. I hate this. Stupid baby. Just SHUT UP and everything will be fine.

I know. Being there. Still am. Chew gum. Good for your teeth and slows the process a little.

[pirilin]

I woke up kinda energetic. May not need Addy after all. Which was my desperate plan out of this physical weakness. Let's see.

i'll keep this short- but not a great weekend.

sunday was father's day, and i ended up being triggered by the whole event

Possible trigger:

it's days like fathers day that make me see what little- no family i've got

father i've never met, never had a father figure in my life, and my mother's in another country- celebrating the fact that i'm out of her life... you do question sometimes, why familys have children

anyway, it started off a vicious cycle of thoughts.. something like, if i can't talk to my own family- and if they don't care, who does?. i just ended up feeling suicidal by the end of the whole day.. it was just draining

sunday night i got an email from someone saying she was suicidal, and could i talk to her.. that was hard to do, after the day i had- telling her, or trying to tell her the good bits to living- and why she should continue

she messaged me again today... well, i rang chrisis last night- they told me where to stick it. so now it falls to me to help her

yesterday i spent 3 hours (3 hours) talking to the bank.

apparently they've put a lock on my account, and they won't unlock it for any reason- they say it's not their problem, and after 3 hours all i ended up with was 1 irate woman on the phone telling me to.. stop bothering them

but i'm calling back today to see what the score is

drained from the weekend, really i am

glad to be on here now though