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Originally Posted by theresabb
Boyfriend and I are both over 50. Long time friends since we were teenagers. Don't live together. We never hold grudges even when we have pushed each others buttons.
I've always been designated the organizer/planner in my relationships. My ex was a workaholic. All child care, family and home life was under my control because he was always on the go. Same with my second husband. He became ill shortly after we got married. I was put in the same position plus I took on the caregiver role with him until he died. Boyfriend has always been a loner. Married and divorced. Lives next to his parents who are in their 80's, to help them out.
It's hard changing and letting someone else take of what we've always taken care of, the way we wanted to take care of it. We each have a hard time relinquishing control. I often ask questions or have a difference of opinion on how things get done. I look ahead to the "what if". I never directly criticize him. But he does to me.
How do I react when he's over the top upset with me. Not yelling just belittling. I have no problem being corrected or questioned when I'm being stubborn about doing or saying something that he deems I'm wrong about. It's how he talks to me that's hurtful. He talks to me like I'm a child in need of direction. If I'm doing something wrong or my understanding of something is wrong to him, my feelings get hurt to the verge of tears sometimes, and I withdraw. It's worse when done where others are able to hear his tone of voice. I am learning that if he is doing something to stand away and let him do it. How should I react when he is outwardly angry with me for being me. I'm really trying here. Seems I'm the only one learning to pick my battles here. When he really is off base on an issue or how he's doing something I never react by belittling him. Most times the issue is not important enough to warrant me saying anything. If it is I never embarrass or correct him like he's a child. My theory has always been that if I set the example by treating someone the way I want to be treated that the person will eventually mimic the others behavior. I can see a bit of improvement but I really need to know how to react so as not to feel I'm the only one putting an effort in.
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behaving in such a way and expecting someone else to follow suit is not cut and dry nor is it effective. Just the same as, if he is acting the way you don't like, if he keeps doing so are you going to start mimicking his behavior? I doubt it. It's folly to think it's this simple. You should do what you feel is right by your standards and accept that this is all you can do. What they do, you cannot change or control. Only they can. sitting around pondering how you want them to be something they are not or changing something they are unwilling to change is really just ... spinning your wheels.
How long have you been together? I'm not sure about you but for me, at my age (almost 49 here) personally if there is someone I am with that is only a gf or dating partner and I don't like their behavior early on it's futile to try and change them. Perhaps if it is early in the relationship, it's just simply you don't mesh well? I don't care how good the sex is, how good certain areas are, if there is a mismatch in major areas like value systems, behavioral patterns and habits, it's just not a good match.
I agree with others to communicate openly and honestly. Beating around the bush or brushing things under the rug and waiting for things to change just won't make things get better at all. If he spits and moans about it and refuses to change, move on.
I'm sure you won't like to hear it but for your own good, it's really not worth it to sit there and try to change each other in a relationship. find someone that fits your personality better.