Control

Boyfriend and I are both over 50. Long time friends since we were teenagers. Don't live together. We never hold grudges even when we have pushed each others buttons.

I've always been designated the organizer/planner in my relationships. My ex was a workaholic. All child care, family and home life was under my control because he was always on the go. Same with my second husband. He became ill shortly after we got married. I was put in the same position plus I took on the caregiver role with him until he died. Boyfriend has always been a loner. Married and divorced. Lives next to his parents who are in their 80's, to help them out.

It's hard changing and letting someone else take of what we've always taken care of, the way we wanted to take care of it. We each have a hard time relinquishing control. I often ask questions or have a difference of opinion on how things get done. I look ahead to the "what if". I never directly criticize him. But he does to me.

How do I react when he's over the top upset with me. Not yelling just belittling. I have no problem being corrected or questioned when I'm being stubborn about doing or saying something that he deems I'm wrong about. It's how he talks to me that's hurtful. He talks to me like I'm a child in need of direction. If I'm doing something wrong or my understanding of something is wrong to him, my feelings get hurt to the verge of tears sometimes, and I withdraw. It's worse when done where others are able to hear his tone of voice. I am learning that if he is doing something to stand away and let him do it. How should I react when he is outwardly angry with me for being me. I'm really trying here. Seems I'm the only one learning to pick my battles here. When he really is off base on an issue or how he's doing something I never react by belittling him. Most times the issue is not important enough to warrant me saying anything. If it is I never embarrass or correct him like he's a child. My theory has always been that if I set the example by treating someone the way I want to be treated that the person will eventually mimic the others behavior. I can see a bit of improvement but I really need to know how to react so as not to feel I'm the only one putting an effort in.

You ever attempt direct communication?


In these scenarios that's what has worked best for me.


I explain exactly as you have here that I don't appreciate the tone of voice, I find it condescending or belittling, (which has been quite a trigger for my BPD) and can this person please change how they speak to me or we have to reconsider speaking at all...


You're right in that we teach people how to treat us, but sometimes some people don't learn very well by example, they need clear direction.

Hello theresabb: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I agree with Trippin2.0's reply, assuming that you feel you can do this. Modelling the way you'd like to be treated is great! But sometimes a more direct approach is necessary. You just have to say, "look... I don't appreciate the way you're treating me. I feel like you're treating me like a child in need of direction..."

From my perspective, this is a matter of boundaries. You have to decide what you are & aren't willing to accept. State your position clearly. And then enforce those boundaries. California therapist Kati Morton, who uploads mental health videos onto her YouTube channel, has done some videos where she talks about establishing boundaries & handling difficult people. I think if you were to go to Kati's channel, find these videos, & watch them they might be helpful for you.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

You two don't live together so what is he chastising you about? It's not like you systemically ruin his laundry or something or throw away his important documents. You don't have to put up with this. He isn't your boss. Dating time should be pleasant. Tell him that you don't appreciate such treatment and if does it again then you leave and go home. He does it because he can. That's really terrible. No need to allow bad treatment

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Thanks so much divine, skeezy and trippin for your input. I have started direct rebuttals. I found out early on if I get too direct confronting him the situation escalates. But one time he really stepped over the line. I walked away, composed myself, returned and made it very clear that his behavior was not acceptable. If I had not walked away at first the situation would have turned into a "you did this" "you did that" scenario as he would attempt to justify himself. That particular attitude from him has never happened again. I have given the quick "I'm not your child" and/or "be careful what you say...." when I realize what the next words are going to be coming out of his mouth. As I said there has been some improvement. None of us like confrontation but as suggested here, I guess it's time.

Criticism and contempt are two of the four great ruiners of relationships. (The others are stonewalling and defensiveness).

Your relationship with him is going to become intolerable (if it isn't already) if he does not change the behaviors you describe. My suggestion is to follow Trippin's advice and if you don't see a major improvement then leave him behind. In my opinion, a man who consistently reduces a woman to the verge of tears through his criticism and contempt needs to change or leave.

behaving in such a way and expecting someone else to follow suit is not cut and dry nor is it effective. Just the same as, if he is acting the way you don't like, if he keeps doing so are you going to start mimicking his behavior? I doubt it. It's folly to think it's this simple. You should do what you feel is right by your standards and accept that this is all you can do. What they do, you cannot change or control. Only they can. sitting around pondering how you want them to be something they are not or changing something they are unwilling to change is really just ... spinning your wheels.

How long have you been together? I'm not sure about you but for me, at my age (almost 49 here) personally if there is someone I am with that is only a gf or dating partner and I don't like their behavior early on it's futile to try and change them. Perhaps if it is early in the relationship, it's just simply you don't mesh well? I don't care how good the sex is, how good certain areas are, if there is a mismatch in major areas like value systems, behavioral patterns and habits, it's just not a good match.

I agree with others to communicate openly and honestly. Beating around the bush or brushing things under the rug and waiting for things to change just won't make things get better at all. If he spits and moans about it and refuses to change, move on.

I'm sure you won't like to hear it but for your own good, it's really not worth it to sit there and try to change each other in a relationship. find someone that fits your personality better.

There is having Control and needing it to exist. How do you feel about the second? Is he making and following these choices up to your standards.

Is speaking up hard? If it is I would suggest there is something far deeper that is the issue at hand.

Another thought I will throw out here... it must be hard (and frankly I find questionable) to have that close a relationship with his parents. Consider what kind of control they have over him. Is it possible then that this is his way of trying to extert some control when so much of it is missing in his life. Maybe even this is his subconscious way of rebelling against that.