Back in February of 2015 I had a breakdown. I was crying uncontrollably for no reason at all & I have lost big chunks of time from the day I went to the mental hospital. As the day went on I devloped a tremor in my right hand that I still have to this day. One of the things I do remember from that is Everytime they would ask me about my suicide plans & how bad it was I would send my wife out of the room. We made it very clear I did not want her to know about my plans nor how close I was to going through with it, & she didn't want to k ow any of that either. She knew I was in bad shape mentally and emotionally and she knew I was considering suicide. She had her own idea of how close I was & knew to take it seriously. So it was made very clear that she was not to know.

Later on during the intake process I was having to fill out an information release consent form. I left it blank because I didn't want any of this being released to anyone. I was told that I had to put down my insurance company and my wife. As previously stated I literally was not in my right mind. So I did that. During all of my counseling sessions both individual & with my wife I made it absolutely clear I didn't want my wife to know specifics.

While I was in the hospital I was diagnosed with dysthymia. The doctor kept saying he was going to have information on it faxed over from his office, but never did. When I would ask him how to spell it so I could research it when I get out he would just tell me he would have the information sent over. Seeing as how I never got the information or how to spell it this has led me to believe that he didn't want me having too much knowledge of my own condition. This was red flag #1 for me. Which truly the information release form should have been a red flag but I wasn't thinking clearly then. He also kept wanting me to goto classes on trauma. I didn't matter how often I told him I didn't have any traumaticevent in my life. (I guess the more classes I went to the more he got paid.)

After a week in the hospital I was released to IOP (intensive outpatient program). At one point my doctor was really pushing hard for me to come see him at his office. He told me he wasn't taking new patients but he was really interested in my case. red flag #2 he is only wanting to use me as a case study. It was at that point I declined. Later on I was dealing with one of his nurses and she wanted me to fill out some paper putting people's names & numbers down that I would contact if I ever felt suicidal. I put down my wife's name & number along with my only friend's name. I didn't know his number by heart it was just programed into my phone which I did not have with me. She kept pushing me for his number and for a 3rd person. I told there wasn't a 3rd person. She said "I'll just put down the crisis hotline then." I told her I would never call them, but that didn't matter because I had to have 3. She disappears for a while then comes back. I finish out the day and go home.

Once I'm home I get a call from my wife. Turns out that nurse called my wide & told her everything. Even after my wife said she didn't want to know. Don't tell me it was because she thought I was a danger to myself, because if I were still a suicide risk at the time I would not have been released to IOP. I. Was. Livid! red flag #3 I was about to drive back upto there and to be honest I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but it probably would have landed me in jail. Fortunately for everyone involved I locked myself out of the house. My car keys were in there as well. I was eventually able to get back inside and drive upto the hospital. I had plenty of time to cool off by the time I got up there. I was not able to speak to that nurse, (because they knew she was in the wrong) instead they had me speak with one of the counselors. I was basically told that I signed a released form and it didn't matter what I did & didn't want them to say. So I went home and threw away the medication I was taking. I had no plans to ever go back to any type of therapist again.

During this whole process I have been off from work. In order to go back to work I have to get a DOT (Department of Transportation) physical because I drive a truck for my job that requires I get one every 2 years. I goto the doctor they tell me to and I pass the physical no problem. The next day I get a call saying I have to go back because I didn't mention I had been off work for my depression. When the doctor asks why I didn't mention this I told her that I didn't think it mattered and I don't trust doctors. She starts grilling me on things like if I'm on any medication & if I'm seeing a doctor. When she finds out I'm not she starts pressing for me to see one that is associated with her medical group. Once she understands that I am not going to see anyone she fails my DOT physical and writes on my paperwork that goes back to my employer that I had attempted suicide. I never said I attempted nor did I ever try. This pissed me off. red flag #4

Several months later I decided to call my insurance company and get a list of therapists in my area I could go see. Researching them really triggered my depression and made it worse. I finally found one. Turns out she was a hypnotherapist. She was so good at her job that the tremor in my right hand got worse. Now not only does my right arm shake like crazy so does my right leg. While seeing her I started cutting which she didn't seem concerned about. red flag #5 I have always been told that cutting is very bad. I have since changed my out look it. Then I had to cancel an appointment and I never rescheduled. One day her receptionist called me & left a voice mail. When I called back turns out she wasn't concerned about me she just wanted to fill up that day's empty appointments. red flag #6 So I never saw her again.

Some time after this I decided I will give IOP another chance. It seemed to be helping before I got screwed. I went to a different mental hospital on the other side of town this time. I went there one day after work just to talk to them & get more information on their IOP. After talking with them they "recommended" I check into to the hospital. When I said I didn't want to do that I was informed I didn't have a choice. I told them this would do more harm than good, but they didn't care. red flag #7 Come to find out there is such a thing as legal kidnapping. Well I learned my lesson from last time and I did not give them consent to release any of my information to anyone.

The doctor I was assigned to was very arrogant and condescending. Everyone that had him thought that not just me. I refused to work with him and I wouldn't tell him much of anything. He wanted to talk with my wife & I refused that. He told me that if I didn't cooperate and let them talk with my wife that he would have the court commit me to a State facility. red flag #8 So now I am being forced to let them release my information.

That all happened in 2015 and I have not been back to anyone since & most likely will die before I ever go back.