I guess I'm doing better nowadays. If you were to compare me to the person I was two or three years ago you'd probably notice some big changes. I have a correct diagnosis, I'm kinder (but not necessarily kind) to myself, I don't feel as anxious and depressed as I used to, etc. So I guess I'm doing better.

How well I'm doing seems to vary over time and even if I'm doing better now than two or three years ago, I'm still not doing well. There are still periods when I feel like complete and utter rubbish. I mean, about a month ago I even spent time researching suicide methods and thinking about that a lot (I hope saying that doesn't break the rules of this forum), even though I don't really want to die. Sometimes I'm simply doing really bad. Even though I don't do that bad all the time anymore, I still live in some kind of chronic or constant existential crisis. I don't know what the point of living is. I don't see the point. I don't know what to do with my life, I feel bad because I know I probably won't ever be able to have a full-time job if I want to keep my sanity, I don't know what to think about religion and God, I don't know what happens when I die, I don't know if I'll ever be happy in my current relationship (and if this relationship ends I have no idea if I'll ever find someone else that I'll work out with), I'm confused about my sexual orientation, I still dislike myself and I still don't know what my place in the world is. I still don't fit it. I still feel lonely. I still feel left out and pretty worthless (thought the worthlessness is something I don't think about as much nowadays as I used to).

These thoughts might be completely normal (especially if you're a teenager, which I'm not) but they're still hindering me from feeling like I truly want to live. I don't really want to die but I don't really want to live. It's all very "meh" to me. Will my life be "meh" for as long as I live? Seems pointless. Useless.

I don't know if I'm clinically depressed anymore. I used to be depressed constantly. Now it comes in episodes but between the episodes life is just "meh". Is it normal to feel this way and to be in a constant existential crisis? I mean, do people who aren't depressed feel this way too? I know they probably think about the things I think about but is it so deep and so, seemingly, never-ending?