I'm in some kind of constant existential crisis.

I guess I'm doing better nowadays. If you were to compare me to the person I was two or three years ago you'd probably notice some big changes. I have a correct diagnosis, I'm kinder (but not necessarily kind) to myself, I don't feel as anxious and depressed as I used to, etc. So I guess I'm doing better.

How well I'm doing seems to vary over time and even if I'm doing better now than two or three years ago, I'm still not doing well. There are still periods when I feel like complete and utter rubbish. I mean, about a month ago I even spent time researching suicide methods and thinking about that a lot (I hope saying that doesn't break the rules of this forum), even though I don't really want to die. Sometimes I'm simply doing really bad. Even though I don't do that bad all the time anymore, I still live in some kind of chronic or constant existential crisis. I don't know what the point of living is. I don't see the point. I don't know what to do with my life, I feel bad because I know I probably won't ever be able to have a full-time job if I want to keep my sanity, I don't know what to think about religion and God, I don't know what happens when I die, I don't know if I'll ever be happy in my current relationship (and if this relationship ends I have no idea if I'll ever find someone else that I'll work out with), I'm confused about my sexual orientation, I still dislike myself and I still don't know what my place in the world is. I still don't fit it. I still feel lonely. I still feel left out and pretty worthless (thought the worthlessness is something I don't think about as much nowadays as I used to).

These thoughts might be completely normal (especially if you're a teenager, which I'm not) but they're still hindering me from feeling like I truly want to live. I don't really want to die but I don't really want to live. It's all very "meh" to me. Will my life be "meh" for as long as I live? Seems pointless. Useless.

I don't know if I'm clinically depressed anymore. I used to be depressed constantly. Now it comes in episodes but between the episodes life is just "meh". Is it normal to feel this way and to be in a constant existential crisis? I mean, do people who aren't depressed feel this way too? I know they probably think about the things I think about but is it so deep and so, seemingly, never-ending?

Hello neutrino: Well... for what it's worth... I'm in my late sixties! And I still don't know what life is about. And, in my case, I'm still confused about my gender identity. Personally I don't think most people live in this type of existential crisis. I imagine that most people simply hold to some mostly unexamined beliefs & live their lives day-in & day-out. I imagine that there's just a select few of us that exist with this continuous undercurrent of turmoil. Perhaps I'm wrong. (I probably am...)

I have certainly struggled with depression & anxiety (as well as my gender identity dysphoria) my entire life. I can't recall a time when it wasn't all with me. I don't know if the types of thoughts you describe are a sign of depression. I don't feel particularly depressed at this point in my life... at least not in the sense that I can't get out of bed. I do get up & do what needs to be done each day. But I also don't take any pleasure in it. It's all just something that has to be done. So I do it. Perhaps that is a variety of depression in its own right. I don't know.

Anyway... I didn't have any great insights to offer you here. But reading your post I thought that a lot of what you experience is quite similar to my experience. So I thought I would share my thoughts. I wish you well...

Hi Neutrino, Feeling lost and not understanding your life purpose is the one the main reasons why people become depressed. While in a depressive state your physical body starts to manifest the way you feel/think. The longer you are in a depressive state the worse physically and mental ailments get. There are many different things you can do to help you find the answers to the questions you keep asking yourself "I don't know what the point of living is. I don't see the point. I don't know what to do with my life."

It’s obviously not easy but if you approach these questions like your life depends on it you WILL find them. I can say this because I have recently overcome almost all of my mental issues because I knew there were more to life then all the ******** things going around. I used that as fuel and it indeed helped me reach my goal.

I would love to share with you what helped me on my journey! Like I said it wasn’t easy but once you start thinking/looking outside of the box things begin to open up for you! Shoot me a message anytime!

Hi neutrino

I placed in colour your thoughts about living in a constant existential crisis, because that is how I live, too. I have been like that my entire adult life. I seriously, find myself looking at people and wondering what it is that is making them go on.
Don't know if I am depressed, or if like one of the other repliers to your post said, I/we examine life too closely.

I guess the point of my response to your post is to say that there are others that experience life like you do. It helped me to read your post, because people don't talk about these things in conversation.

Hang in there!

Thank you for the replies, everyone, and sorry for my own late reply to your comments. My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of hours after I started this thread (we had been together for 5.5 years) and my world is currently falling apart. Not doing well at all. Life seems even more meaningless now (yesterday I spent probably 20 minutes staring into the wall repeating "nothing matters" out loud).

Anyway, regarding the constant existential crisis:

I don't know about you but I'm a thinker. I spend a lot of time in my head thinking about and analysing things/situations/life. I'm also a person who questions everything and I'm a bit of a cynic and a skeptic. I suspect those personality traits aren't really helpful in this situation. Maybe I/we are not depressed. I don't know, but it's quite discouraging to not see the point in living.

There are a lot more things I'd like to say but I'm not sure how to express my thoughts right now so I'll start with this.

Sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. I clicked on this thread because constant existential crisis pretty much sums up how I feel as well. I can also relate to your cynicism. It all seems to ridiculously cliche. Even when I think of my laundry list of problems I'm both bored and annoyed by how mundane it all is. I sympathize with the feeling of meh.

Truthfully I don't know what to tell you, mostly because I barely know what to tell myself. I guess it's comforting that someone else is having a similar experience. Here's to the suffering thinkers.