My Support Forums - View Single Post

Humpty Dumpty · Jul 22, 2016, 03:07 AM

I've got a couple of things on my mind. I'm not exactly sure how to put it into words, but I will try to have it make sense & not turn out to be a novel.

1.) My grandfather is in the hospital. He was rushed there late Tuesday night & put on life support. (He is just as much a grandfather to my wife as he is to me. My family doesn't treat my wife as an "in-law". She is treated as one of the family.) He has made some improvement but he is still on life support & we're afraid he won't recover. My wife told me today that she's afraid she will go to our grandfather's funeral & have to bury me. She is well aware that I struggle with SI, & neither one of us is sure how well I will be able to handle my grandfather's death. Yet that's something else that bothers me. He has 3 kids that will all be sad not to mention his wife of over 60 years. So why should I get so torn up over this? When she told me that she's afraid of burying me I didn't really have anything to say. I couldn't tell her don't worry I won't kill myself because I don't know what I'll do.

2.) She also said that she understands why I don't go to a Dr & get medication, although that doesn't change the fact that she wants me to. She knows I want to get better but it is very difficult. If I didn't want to get better she said that she wouldn't want to stay with me, because of the toll it takes on her. On one hand I want her to leave. In fact I've told her as much before. She is the main reason I don't kill myself. If she left that would make things easier. I would have nothing left holding me back. I don't really understand why she is staying with me. What's the difference in not wanting to get better and not being able to? With my issues I just don't ever see myself being able to go to a Dr for this. So why should she continue to be miserable just because I am? Maybe I should just get it over with. Much like pulling off a bandaid the longer you take to pull it off the more it hurts. Yes if you just yank it off quickly it hurts but the pain quickly subsides. Yes if I kill myself it will hurt her but she can eventually move on & no longer be burdened by me.