Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post.

I am a 46 year old male with 2 adult children whom I raised for the most part by myself. I have been depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I don't think I know where the anxiety stops and the depression begins, or is it the other way around? I found it hard to go outside, even to just walk my dog. The anxiety kicks in even before I put the leash on. I'm not really sure what the cause of the anxiety is, I just feel like I am being watched when I am outside, being scrutizned, and judged.

At the root, I hate myself, I feel worthless and alone. I don't feel like I do anything right. What is right and who am I to judge myself? It's hard to stop the racing thoughts of self hatred. It's a struggle to find what other unwanted thoughts are crossing my mind without my knowing. It's been worse recently, and I have found myself uncontrollably crying on more than one occasion. The crying helps, it does bring some relief.

I am not currently medicated or seeing a doctor/therapist for the issue. I have tried both and neither have been helpful. Staying Mindful can help, but I feel like there is something else underneath it all that I just can't catch. Something else that is the source of these issues.

I am struggling with this, I am tired of hiding it, so tired... I just want to be able to relax for once, and not deal with this never ending issue. I can't remember the last time I was able to just relax and not think about anything.