Hello

Hello, I'm new here, this is my first post.

I am a 46 year old male with 2 adult children whom I raised for the most part by myself. I have been depressed and anxious for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I don't think I know where the anxiety stops and the depression begins, or is it the other way around? I found it hard to go outside, even to just walk my dog. The anxiety kicks in even before I put the leash on. I'm not really sure what the cause of the anxiety is, I just feel like I am being watched when I am outside, being scrutizned, and judged.

At the root, I hate myself, I feel worthless and alone. I don't feel like I do anything right. What is right and who am I to judge myself? It's hard to stop the racing thoughts of self hatred. It's a struggle to find what other unwanted thoughts are crossing my mind without my knowing. It's been worse recently, and I have found myself uncontrollably crying on more than one occasion. The crying helps, it does bring some relief.

I am not currently medicated or seeing a doctor/therapist for the issue. I have tried both and neither have been helpful. Staying Mindful can help, but I feel like there is something else underneath it all that I just can't catch. Something else that is the source of these issues.

I am struggling with this, I am tired of hiding it, so tired... I just want to be able to relax for once, and not deal with this never ending issue. I can't remember the last time I was able to just relax and not think about anything.

Hello AwsomeO5000: Well... the Skeezyks is 68! And I also struggle with quite a bit of anxiety. At this point in my life, although I am married, I otherwise lead as solitary a life as possible. (We do also have a dog we walk daily.) Like you, I also harbor a lot of self-hatred & feelings of worthlessness. And anxiety is a constant companion. The difference is, I guess, that I pretty-much know why it is I feel the way I do. I don't really understand why it all happened. But I know what it all is & how I feel about it... if that makes any sense. I am no longer on med's nor do I see a therapist.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi, and welcome to PC. I'm in about the same boat as you as far as bouncing between anxiety and depression are concerned. I don't have any advice to give you, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Thanks all, kind of hoping that writing my feelings will help. Never really gave journaling a shot. I don't like writing all that much, so we'll see.