Thank you again. I did read it and it was helpfully clarifying but I am still just so confused because I don't seem to have anywhere I fit. I can tell it's not just change in emotional state but that was the first thing I noticed note that I realize more but I do see where I have for this stuff all my life. When the pay that seems to be here the most (around 5 or 6) I am constantly terrified and go to bed most nights feeling like s child all alone having to go to bed in a scary house with nobody home. I want to hide, cry and even do call out for help but nobodies there. When the older teen like is there, I can stay in bed all day long and space out for hours but the terror and fear isn't the same as the young times, more pain and hopelessness (more desire to die then also). Then there are times that things are different and I have overwhelming urges to purge when I eat when I don't other times,,, other times I me physical pain to over ride the emotional pain and use pain and other times I have no desire for pain. I just feel like a big basket full of heads with different wants and feelings that seem to swim in and put at different times and stay for completely random amounts of time, but I know is still kind of me the entire time just like completely different me's at the same time. I just can't find anywhere I fit to make sense of myself.
For about 5 days the older teen feerlingb wad there and I stated in need about 20 hours each day and just dissociated away for hours at a time (i felt depressed but less fear and terror), then a couple days ago the younger 5ish has come back and the night terrors and constant fear are back. I even feel my body moving like I'm younger (rubbing my eyes with my fists like a kid and taking to myself like one )... but the craziest thing is, if other people come around me, I seem to be able to make myself control my voice she stop myself from some of the actions, it just takes work to keep it hidden.

I don't know, still confused but sure appreciate your attempt to help provide insight. Thank to so very much.