Confused... is possible to be stuck younger and know wrong?

That's what I'd so confusing alwayschangung... academically yes, I have a bachelor's degree and was a teacher before the ptsd panic attacks made it impossible to stay in the classroom (you have to ignore all the autocorrect grammar issues in my typing to believe this..lol)... but inside I feel like I learned how to'act' adultish but never went past early teens.

I have searched and searched the Internet with no luck and that's why I was sure going people around here might have sone idea. I actually told my t that I was going to ask him tomorrow about an important question but we will see if I can do it when there.

Thank you again. I did read it and it was helpfully clarifying but I am still just so confused because I don't seem to have anywhere I fit. I can tell it's not just change in emotional state but that was the first thing I noticed note that I realize more but I do see where I have for this stuff all my life. When the pay that seems to be here the most (around 5 or 6) I am constantly terrified and go to bed most nights feeling like s child all alone having to go to bed in a scary house with nobody home. I want to hide, cry and even do call out for help but nobodies there. When the older teen like is there, I can stay in bed all day long and space out for hours but the terror and fear isn't the same as the young times, more pain and hopelessness (more desire to die then also). Then there are times that things are different and I have overwhelming urges to purge when I eat when I don't other times,,, other times I me physical pain to over ride the emotional pain and use pain and other times I have no desire for pain. I just feel like a big basket full of heads with different wants and feelings that seem to swim in and put at different times and stay for completely random amounts of time, but I know is still kind of me the entire time just like completely different me's at the same time. I just can't find anywhere I fit to make sense of myself.
For about 5 days the older teen feerlingb wad there and I stated in need about 20 hours each day and just dissociated away for hours at a time (i felt depressed but less fear and terror), then a couple days ago the younger 5ish has come back and the night terrors and constant fear are back. I even feel my body moving like I'm younger (rubbing my eyes with my fists like a kid and taking to myself like one )... but the craziest thing is, if other people come around me, I seem to be able to make myself control my voice she stop myself from some of the actions, it just takes work to keep it hidden.

I don't know, still confused but sure appreciate your attempt to help provide insight. Thank to so very much.

I know this thread is a bit old now...but I can completely relate to how you describe not ever really feeling like you know how to act like a real adult. And a lot of the different ways you describe it feeling and presenting... to my understanding of why we never truly "become adults" ..even if we have or are able to accomplish adult goals and lives in someway...it's trauma. (simply put). For those of us who have a history of traumas dating back to early childhood, all sorts of outcomes and presentations are possible. It has something to do with arrested development ....the term not the show...which I love also Basically, as it has been explained to me, when our minds/brains?? (not sure which or both is involved) perceive an event or environment to be extremely traumatic it creates an actual imprint, which acts like a scratch or divet in a record. We become stuck or emotionally stunted...we may or may not remember the reason but the timestamp so to speak remains... I think then when we are young bc our minds are so good at repressing and compartmentalizing....we are able to intially move past the skipping section and progress further..until another perceived trauma occurs which causes another imprint...
Then at some point and time (I don't really know why either)...emotionally we just kinda stop progressing forward.. intellectually and physically we can continue as life and time does not stop neither does our "chemical development"...so the brain and the body continue, but the mind is still playing the same record so to speak. And then when something triggers one of these past traumas, instead of actual memories welling up, ...we experience the "age", get stuck in a skip..until the fear passes. Does that make any sense? I hope so...I know that stunted emotional development is common in many MIs.... and the more complex the trauma or longer it goes untreated, the deeper the imprints become.

Where do you want to fit and why do you want it? Have you tried to accept the child within you? All its emotions? Maybe if you could do it, its presence would stop to be so overwhelming? I think it might a be part of you that is reacting to your life in such way.

Wow lost in the woods, that was an excellent description. I was able to finally describe better to my t last week and his explanation was very much like that

Thanks so much for the insight.