apparently i have this problem where i cant relax..?
everytime i try to do a relaxation exercise with the therapist i end up "dissociating" rather than becoming relaxed- cant get any of them to work at home either..(alone)
whats up with that..? thought that dissociation was supposed to be like an overload thing so im confused by how doing something simple that is supposed to be relaxing can have that effect..
how do you fix that?

when i do end up feeling relaxed (i think) im not really connected anyway so im not totally aware of whats going on.. so think im still dissociating or something.. when i realize that then i kind of snap back in and just feel all depersonalized again, like when you realize you were day dreaming and you are like oh no i gotta focus! and you get all weird because trying to figure out everything quickly..
i guess atleast i have a good autopilot options..
i think that maybe i haven't relaxed ever in my whole life.. besides when i was too drunk or something; always have to be awake and listening..

is it just that in the midst of "trying" to relax i feel threatened and do a panic and pump in some D-drug?
maybe because i have always had to "force" myself to be relaxed..?
force like.. in the sense where you are just annoyed because you cant calm down and you keep doing different things to try to forget about it or push it away/ keep it from coming up.. i dunno, i dont like talking about feelings, they are confusing and i dont know how to explain it very well.. kind of like talking about time or memories, i hate those things!

i wish that it was easy to learn about yourself.. or maybe its easy for normal people but its really hard for me
atleast i asked if she thought i was just psychotic or something like that and she said something like no, its all normal part of the dissociative experiences..

still find it hard to believe that i've been dissociating for so long and couldnt tell... makes me feel stupid for not seeing something so obvious to me(on the inside) maybe not obvious to everyone around me..
oh well, better late than never i spose.. just hope that i dont go all forgetty and forget all that stuff again and do some circles around the marry go round
stupid memory..

oh, what do you think about somatic experiencing therapy?

to be honest im just not sure how comfortable i really am allowing myself to really make myself go through with all of this stuff..
but whatever i have tried to do over the entirety of my life has not worked so i dont really have a choice..?

its tough
feel so bad/weird/embarrassed when i do that in front of her..(or anyone) just makes it worse.. cause im trying so hard but no one can see how hard im trying i think...

just hope that i dont end up breaking more of my crazy self and making it all worse.. just dont want it to get any worse, maybe can fix it from here..

thanks for reading, hope that no one else is as annoyed with myself as i am..