relaxation tips?

apparently i have this problem where i cant relax..?
everytime i try to do a relaxation exercise with the therapist i end up "dissociating" rather than becoming relaxed- cant get any of them to work at home either..(alone)
whats up with that..? thought that dissociation was supposed to be like an overload thing so im confused by how doing something simple that is supposed to be relaxing can have that effect..
how do you fix that?

when i do end up feeling relaxed (i think) im not really connected anyway so im not totally aware of whats going on.. so think im still dissociating or something.. when i realize that then i kind of snap back in and just feel all depersonalized again, like when you realize you were day dreaming and you are like oh no i gotta focus! and you get all weird because trying to figure out everything quickly..
i guess atleast i have a good autopilot options..
i think that maybe i haven't relaxed ever in my whole life.. besides when i was too drunk or something; always have to be awake and listening..

is it just that in the midst of "trying" to relax i feel threatened and do a panic and pump in some D-drug?
maybe because i have always had to "force" myself to be relaxed..?
force like.. in the sense where you are just annoyed because you cant calm down and you keep doing different things to try to forget about it or push it away/ keep it from coming up.. i dunno, i dont like talking about feelings, they are confusing and i dont know how to explain it very well.. kind of like talking about time or memories, i hate those things!

i wish that it was easy to learn about yourself.. or maybe its easy for normal people but its really hard for me
atleast i asked if she thought i was just psychotic or something like that and she said something like no, its all normal part of the dissociative experiences..

still find it hard to believe that i've been dissociating for so long and couldnt tell... makes me feel stupid for not seeing something so obvious to me(on the inside) maybe not obvious to everyone around me..
oh well, better late than never i spose.. just hope that i dont go all forgetty and forget all that stuff again and do some circles around the marry go round
stupid memory..

oh, what do you think about somatic experiencing therapy?

to be honest im just not sure how comfortable i really am allowing myself to really make myself go through with all of this stuff..
but whatever i have tried to do over the entirety of my life has not worked so i dont really have a choice..?

its tough
feel so bad/weird/embarrassed when i do that in front of her..(or anyone) just makes it worse.. cause im trying so hard but no one can see how hard im trying i think...

just hope that i dont end up breaking more of my crazy self and making it all worse.. just dont want it to get any worse, maybe can fix it from here..

thanks for reading, hope that no one else is as annoyed with myself as i am..

personally i like putting some background noise on.. sound of the sea, seagulls, rain, what ever, and imagine myself somewhere else- like a beach in hawaii or relaxing on a cruise

music works too- providing it's at the right volume, i personally like it played over the sounds of the beach to make it seem more real

but you could have it on it's own too

you can buy noise machines and stuff on amazon

another good thing to do is have slow moving lights, just changing colour. really relaxing

I believe the key to your relaxation problems is right there in what you said ^

Relaxing and not dissociating is about listening to your body and yourself. When you feel trapped and without a choice dissociation happens. Tell your T how you feel.

One of the biggest things that has helped me with my T is his calmness. He is so calm I get calm. He doesn't force me to do anything. I choose what we do.

I think the key to relaxation while still being present in yourself is trying to focus on your breathing and your body while letting your thoughts pass through, don't try to stop thoughts from happening, thats going to make you anxious, just let them pass. Yoga helps me in relaxation. Don't know if this will help, sorry if I was of no help
Also mantras help me relax.

I usually skip relaxing straight to pass out.

its so much easier to do it that way, make the mind blurr out pass out, have some wack dreams and wake up to do it again to keep it from really becoming realized or feeling too much.. but i've been doing that for ever now and im in the position where i cant do it right now because of money / living situation (not allowed) so.. kind of "trapped" and not really able to resort to my ol easy escape techniques.. kind of being pushed to the front and reality slapping me around a lot...

but its really confusing because im not sure whats happening, you know..?

i have feelings, but i dont understand.. i mean sure it makes sense, but it doesnt as well because its just ridiculous..
like this relaxing stuff, for the most part i DO feel utter zen peace and relaxed, but inside is so disturbed and messed up that it doesnt even seem like my feelings, but something coming from the inside to influence how i feel and make me feel all weird and wacky has no other explanation but to be my feelings so i tell myself that im not relaxed and im anxious or something even though it feels wrong.. i think the therapist said that im compartmentalized or something? so maybe its just the different compartments being so seperated and things bleeding through because im not really patching holes and numbing it up with the old routines..?

i dont feel bad.. im annoyed mostly because of these things.. just wish that it would quit so that things can make some sense..

i listen to alot of music, read alot... i have the fan running all the time to keep some type of noise going and usually i'll have the tv playing with the closed captioning .. just added measure to distract me from becoming too focused on the inside i guess..
try to play some video games but my focus and stuff hasn't been very well for past month or 2 so have not been able to

i suppose i always feel disconnected/depersonalized.. i dunno how to explain it because its just a normal way for me and i think when you keep being told something is normal for so long you lose track of how different or strange it is..

so when i try to "relax" or calm this inside or do these exercises what seems to happen is like going into a trance.. or like waking up parts inside that are like reaally paranoid about things "changing"
i zoom out a bit.. movement seems to slow down... cant talk very fast... cant really think, all i get are blanks... every thing looks weird, body feels weird, i guess more depersonalization/derealization occurs..
becoming aware of it makes it alot worse as well so i try not to think about it when it happens.. i mean feeling that weird with nothing to do about it or understand it for so long, anyone would start to try to ignore it right?

im trying to feel comfortable with T.. i like her and all but i guess im just scared because i know she's like not totally qualified to 'handle' me.. she's told me her self a couple times that its not her specialty but she's reading up on stuff and taking extra classes to try to get some more information to help get things working in my favor..

trying to be honest with her but the truth is that i NEVER talk about myself with anyone, i have never really.. so alot of times im blocked from saying things that i want to say just because
but its improving i guess.. i mean next time i do that zooming out im liable to black out and tell her everything
feel like that would scare her, would totally scare me when i realized what i done ..
already dont know all of what i have told her... but i dont think i have told her much, feels like i havent told her anything at all but i know thats false and that i must of told her some things atleast

bah! just too many mixed feelings that clash, i havent had a 'drink' in several days now.. not sure how long... a week or so maybe i dont even know.. time is really messed up and difficult to read, so i think i deserve to have a few drinks!
gotta figure out some way to get my hands on a bottle...

thanks for the replies, i just end up rambling alot usually it seems so im surprised anyone really wants to reply at all..
i know i sound like an absolute lunatic but im cool guy.. for the most part, on the surface everyone loves me and thinks im awesome, no one is allowed below the surface or above

sucks when you feel like this.. lose yourself in the maze of worlds, which one do you wake up in next? whose reflection is that in the puddle of water? which path am i supposed to go? you go all directions, but you cant stay but with 1 ... where does it lead? no body kows.. only no body can give the answers, but he is no where, and cant seem to get no where.. or to anywhere to find the directions to no where... so just run run run
hard to pretend to be normal when it all feels fake and dreamlike - swear if someone is playing a joke on me im gonna make them regret it..
un hook me from this crazy machine before i lose it!!

sorry about ranting

urgh, how are you supposed to be able to relax when you can never remember anything?

no wonder im like this, maybe anyone that was constantly questioning what the hell is happening would be all bent out of shape :grrr

and it seems sometimes it takes just the smallest things to really make you realize WTF!

like where the hell did my lighter go, i have looked everywhere and i just know where i put it and know that its gone now but can not remember where in the world it is...... all i know is i remember putting it here in front of me on my desk and thinking "i bet ill knock it off the desk and behind it and lose it and not be able to find it when i need it" and then i remember thinking something like "ill put it somewhere i know where it is when i need it" and im like WHAAT - i know i didnt put it anywhere else, and i dont know where i would of put it to find "when i need it" because i have looked everywhere
stupid stupid stupid stupid...

its not just a lighter, its everything, but damnit sometimes the small things just really irk my nerves because they are so bloody simple .. brand new lighter missing somewhere probably in the freezer or some stupid place...
yknow? -.-

so so so sick of this

Hi. I apologize in advance if this was brought up in am earlier comment. I wasn't really able to pay attention to all the reading...

Do you think maybe some aspect of "relaxing" is a trigger? Either in that forcing yourself to be present in your body is overwhelming, or some of the steps to relaxing remind you of the trauma?

I've always had trouble with relaxation exercises. Breathing in particular has always been very triggering for me. Being told that it should help me calm down only frustrated me more. Then I was able to label the breathing as a trigger (something I used to force myself to pay attention to in order to "move things along" with my abuse). Once I figured that out, it was easier to tell therapists why breathing was the opposite of relaxing for me... it's still hard to mediate and be present in my body, but at least I know that I need to slip the part where I focus on breathing...

yeah, i really do think that it is.. like letting my gaurd down is a very bad thing and if it starts to happen and i realize it weird stuff happens.. or if it does happen and it doesnt stop i regret it later ... but my awareness is like pseudo-awareness... ?
trying to understand it... but its really confusing to me because i guess i have avoided looking at how strange things are for me for ever...
so im not really aware all the time, and even when i am aware, im not really aware aware.. know what i mean..? im here, but im not here.. im locked outside of the body draging it around like a puppet master that isnt really able to put himself in the shoes of the puppet (atleast completely)

could be that going through everything i have, having people to tell me to not think about it, calm down, be relaxed, its ok, blahblah blah when clearly everything was not ok and i really should of had someone to help me figure things out rather than make me try to forget about it... so when i tell myself these things its like, you know...

hearing the same voices just trying to make you stop crying rather than trying to help

im super 'amnesiac' for the past...(everyday all day really, i dunno whats wrong... still think maybe i have brain tumor or something...) the only memories i have are the flashbacks that come and go.. and even then i forget them until they flash back again

1 part in particular in the before mentioned exercise that she had me try with her i noticed really really was not cool though... but i didnt stop or interupt it i just kep going trying to ignore it... but when she wanted me to 'stretch' my jaws or whatever by opening my mouth 'wide' i just was like WTF and i guess thats probably when i really started slipping away because ... whatever.. i mean i was already like relaxed and tense at the same time so that part just really messed me up... dont like thinking about stuff..

blaming myself for letting/allowing things to happen cant help either... but i think it really was my fault and i should of or could of done something to stop it or change something, anything...
T said that i was just a little kid and it wasnt up to me and that its not a kids responsibility, kids supposed to be taken care of and cared for.. not the kids taken care of the adults...

i dunno what i used to do as a kid, i know that i was dissociative though i just dunno when it started... the only time i can remember having like an "attack" was around age 3-5 but its really blurry and all i remember is that the same thing happened back then that i am feeling now..
but i've done alot more now and been through alot more so im just like F it and cut me off, let me out.. go ahead...
as a kid i think its probably scary and you dont really know whats happening.. but i dont really remember... as an adult, now, i still dont really know whats happening but im trying to figure things out...

no one around me knew anything about how to teach a kid how to handle trauma - even if they did, im not sure how good it would do since everyone around me were the trauma people/... complicate things more? good person? bad person? scary person? rescuer?
and the foster care just really complicated things i think because its like icing on the cake, the everything is fine cake- i dont remember any of it, anything...
really dont know how its possible, but its true.. hell, i even forgot to take my medication today because i thought i already did but i realized it was yesterday and not today, i keep doing it too...

sigh- guess i dont like thinking about stuff and dont really want to so probably why im struggling... at some point have to accept "my" life and things that happened.. but how do you accept such disgusting things?

i just dont want to, its not fair, even without knowing everything i know its super f-dup and i just dont even want to know, but its inside and i know that i know and its not gonna go away... and maybe im hurting myself a lot by behaving the way i do and treating these things like this...

i just cant help it, im weak and i dont want to feel anything, thats why i do what i do;

ramble ramble ramble

have to stop writing because weird stuff inside... making my head hurt...

::edit

i dont like talking about these things... even the slightest mention... prefer people to believe that i am just a normal mundane person... but im really a broken apart monster...

Hey hi. I learned about self-hypnosis techniques which is total relaxation of the conscious mind freeing the subconscious. Basically counting backwards laying with eyes close. It helps to tighten a muscle for a moment then release...clench an arm....then let go. Clench a leg....then Let go. Etc. then count backwards feeling yourself falling....slipping into arms of comfort. Usually I fall asleep about here... or go flat in warm bath water.

Now I have heard counting to ten... but yeah that's cool. Like I'm focussing on that clench somewhere on my body then wait for the next second and release...Im going to practice that and really takes me being constant to even remember it. I started a journal and have some quick go To's for when panic has set in. The best one for me is get outside for a moment not to do a chore but breathe.

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At least you are trying and want to have better thinking for you. You are number one and good luck buddy I'm very new at discovering my issues as well

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thank you...

i usually count backwards from 1000... and focus on different things while counting..
everyone i told seems to think that 1000 is a bit ridiculous but small numbers seem too simple and insufficient...
aspects of myself tend to disappear and i can forget about things for a moment depending on stress i guess...

just seems really difficult trying to control this monster inside my head..(the brain)..

got a letter from disability people today... denied request for review of denial...
i will have to start an entire new process if i continue to pursue.... probably end up waiting 6 more years to be completely denied again... i may not even be alive by that time... i filed 5 years ago for this round of denials... 5 years of false pathetic attempts at hope... wish that i could just pop out and curse them out... but of course my mind wont let me...

remembered that big part of the reason i cant relax is because of how pathetic i am...
can't take care of myself... cant pay for anything... buy even simple necessities.. much less any type of desire or want that may help me feel better or good about myself or help to relax...
cant work... cant present the image of being a man because im a pathetic scared little boy...
cant even get disability to provide the small things... forgot how much this effects me...
barely eat... barely sleep... nightmares constantly... horrible flashbacks.. horrible intrusive thoughts... cant focus or remember anything...
blah...
they treat me like a fraud trying to abuse the system to live off some free disability... like its a whole lot of money that i will get rich from... like i really w ant to be labeled disabiled... i dont even care about the money...
just wanted help with health insurance... that way i could get adequate treatment to help me recover so that i can get off of the disabilaty and have a 'normal' life... which my life clearly will never be normal... but im starting to think it doesnt really matter..

all i wanted was a little help to help me get better... i hate this..
i really hate this life so much... to survive such a terrible place as a child...
and then to have to survive further as a broken pathetic adult... but to be looked upon as a lazy fraud... sometimes i wish they could feel what i feel... then they would understand why i am the way i am... i hate them... but not as much as i hate myself sometimes...

i dunno what im gonna do... why its gotta be so hard... i just wanted to see a future without pain.. to smile inside and outside, without being broken and feeling like im invisible and have no one because the person everyone knows is not me...

sometimes i want to just give up... im so tired

sorry... dont really know what else to say..
wish i wasnt like this..

goodluck to everyone.. wish no one had to hurt...

Actually, your suppose to start at the toes and work your way up the body like a wave, the next muscle group at a time.

Foot (toes and ankles outstretched relax), calves, thighs, buttocks, stomach muscles, chest, shoulders, biceps, forarms hands (fingers out stretched relax) neck and head....then lie listening to your pulse....zzzzz.

Often people have to appeal and apply a second time in order to get benefits. Is there a State office you can go to for help with the process? They might have treatment help options available there for you as well. I encourage you to contact them.

alwayschanging- thats the exercise i did with her last time that caused me to really... i dunno how to explain it, it happened with the other ones but seemed to be more with this one..
she asks "how do you feel now?"
the only thing i could think to say was 'quiet' ... like being put in an isolation room pumped with some type of gas ... like being dosed with opiates and the volume of everything being turned way down... no thoughts outside, no thoughts inside.. like being a sleep without dreaming but being awake but distant.. very distant.... i had to fight to keep myself there and pull myself back so that i didnt disappear in her office or what felt like maybe black out.. always scared of that because i dunno what i will do if that happens, things inside are not so nice and dont care too much about what other people think; don't like people to see how crazy i am, dont trust them or myself ..

trying to learn to trust the therapist though.. just wish she was more trained with these things so that i could feel sure that she knows what to do if something like that happens... instead of her becoming shocked or scared because i dont like to scare people..
i have to warn her some how, i dont think i have .. but maybe i have, wish i could remember the meetings better.. always feels like i walk in the office, sit down, and then its like time to go and im always thinking to myself.. how long has it been? because it only feels like a couple minutes but it seems to usually be an hour


i have appealed like a bunch of times.. im on the last 'level' with the disability thing...
this step ::
Fourth Step: Federal District Court

If you are denied at the Appeals Council level, you can sue Social Security in federal court.

seems like they just want me to suffer and they dont want to help the people that could really use the help... but give the help to the frauds that actually could do something about their situation... and call the broken down people fraud rather...
dunno why im being punished further, thought i had been through enough and maybe i could get out of the hole but seems like its just not over yet...

and i also have to worry about an idiot being released from prison in a month or so thats probably going to come around and try to burn the house down again or throw a dead dog in the well or put body parts on the house or paint weird symbols all over... cut the brakes on vehicles or .. who knows...

urgh... i cant tell if im awake or sleep..

im probably going to disappear for a little while.. need to figure stuff out... without making myself look utterly retarded along the way...

if only if only

The old mans been stealin she's holdin the greevin for hundred a years we all keep believin that history repeats
itself year after year.
i fears that the future is worse
we have to give in to a hundred year curse
sweatin the sun like we're diggin a grave
dig deep enogh and our fortune is saved

(chorus)
if only if only
the wood pecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
if only if only

chasin the sky our beautiful wife you make mistakes and it's my back that breaks and forever my prosteals my life to
submission
i'm beat but there's hope beneath these feet
blisters and blood and the sun makes you blind you don't let it eat ya it can't help but be kind cause you know what's
important with your back to the world you can break metal chains and your friends don't let you fall

if only if only
the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungry and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
If only if only

i'm a sun but I found myself a plant
there's no use when i'm fighten my history fightin my history i have no place i'm a light feather there's no use when i'm
fighten my history fighten my history I have no place i'm more like a feather but i can't fly away when i'm fighten myself

if only if only
the woodpecker sighs
the bark on the trees was as soft as
the sky
as the wolf waits below
hungy and lonely
he cries to the moo-oo-oon
if only if only