hi, I looked back at some of your older posts because I couldn't remember your wife's age...you have looked into perimenopause so this won't come to much surprise...I went certifiable when I reached that stage in life, at 43...after an insanely crazy year, I did and said things that in some cases I don't even remember but were hurtful to my whole family. Lo and behold, after a huge breakdown, hospital and everything, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.All through my 40's I was up and down, I couldn't get stability for any length of time. I'm 53 now, I stopped having periods at 51 and amazingly, I have been stable for the last 2 years.
Unfortunately, damage had already been done on both of our parts, and despite 5 attempts at marriage counseling, we are now divorced. It has been difficult at times but we have made peace with each other, want the best for each other and are there for each other if either of us needs help. In fact, I am the person in charge of his medical power of attorney. That was basically so neither of our kids would have the responsibility of pulling the plug if that were to ever happen God forbid.

I"m not saying you are headed for divorce, just saying there might be more to your wife's behavior...the hormones gone awry and unfortunately, if she is bipolar and manic, she's not going to believe anything is wrong. I had no clue myself, the illness lies to you and tells you that what you are doing is ok, even if you know deep down it's not.
I made bad decisions but I wasn't mean to anyone thank goodness...those decisions were still hurtful.

Have you gone to therapy for yourself even if she won't go? If not, I highly recommend it. At least you will have a third party who can see things more objectively and will support you and guide you.

I wish you the best.