Hmmm... that's an interesting question. In my day to day life (when things are going well) my self-esteem is really high. The thing is, I'm not actually a sad person 'naturally'. I'm actually quite happy. I'm confident, focused and my determination goes through the roof usually. Having said that, this doesn't mean that my issues disappear. In fact, because I feel so damn capable - I find my issues hinder me even more!

I have worked on the roots of these issues. I thought I may of explained a little about that in my original post. There is so much to say so I don't think it would be a good idea to post it all as it would take me ages and the result would be a HUGE piece of text I'm pretty sure no-one would want to read! Basically, the roots of my problems come from my childhood. And the rest came from my teenage years, growing up with un-necessary hardship and a lot of traumatic memories. My mother (adopted) had quite an easy life but she was spoilt rotten with money, gifts and love and her sisters sorta despised her for getting her own way all the time. She later found out she couldn't have kids so she decided to adopt. That must of DESTROYED her emotionally and mentally. Perhaps why she then got so controlling over how we should grow up to become. Obviously we were always going to be our own people (me and my brother) but she couldn't accept that. So what unfolded afterwards just years and years of violence, abuse (physical, emotional and mental) and torment. I think really, she was taking her own insecurities and hatred towards herself out on us and sometimes, I don't even think she meant to hurt us so much!

My father is a soft hearted kind man with no real symptoms of morbid mental health conditions unlike my mother. So the blend there was quite a different one. I had a really kind soft father and a really evil manipulative woman, so I was always going between two extremes. Because of my father being soft hearted, my mother would use him as leverage and often used him as a tool for violence and further control (because obviously at the time, my father was a whole lot more powerful than us kids).

So basically, my parents were allowed to adopt when one of them inparticular had no real ability of being able to allow a child to grow up in a healthy environment considering the loss my mother had with two of her children (one who was ectopic and the other who died at 6 months old) and the ensuing mental health conditions that followed.

It was not a fair match. Social services here in the UK should of been more vigilant but the system ran a whole lot more differently than it does now. The law and regulations to adopt are far more stringent now than they used to be and perhaps I was just a victim of a more relaxed system in the nineties. Either way, I feel I know where most of the problems originate and unfortunately for me, they don't originate with me. Take me away from these situations and I excel, I grow, I become stronger, better etc. So the evidence is there, these environments have caused me to have such a distain and hatred towards such situations and these situations also now include me being able to manage relationships and friendships.

I guess the next move is to move on. Only this time, move on and not look back.

Hey man, thanks for your reply
I was left to fend for myself at about 17 years old after a few years of trying to get back into my family home or try and find permanent accomodation. I didn't move back to my home area until recently, about a year or so ago. It has been a big mistake but at the same time it could also be a blessing because it means I'm facing my problems head-on. Either way, I didn't walk all the way back. The time past since being dumped 30 miles away from home and now has been a good 9 years or so.

I feel I probably am taking how I've been treated over the years out on other people. I know it's not fair and fortunetly, I'm aware of that which is why I want to change! It's just so hard to treat everyone so fairly when I'm having a hard time!

I have to keep strong brother! Without this strength I don't think I'd be here. Life is not easy and it's about being able to grow from your experiences and become a better person. I've found it difficult but with time and effort and understanding, nothing I can't deal with.

Thanks for your support man. Stay safe