I don't know what to do anymore

Hey guys, I'm a 26 year old male.
I just don't know what to do anymore...

Yesterday I went off on a woman I've been speaking to for nearly 3 weeks. We met on an online dating site, she messaged me first (which was a surprise because she is stunning! And I don't usually attract women like her). Things have been going great, we both let each other know we have commitment and trust issues, we've had a number of failed relationships in the past and we both aren't the most emotionally outgoing people around. Everything was fine; exchanged pictures, talking dirty here and there and generally doing what I believe most people do when they are getting to know each other.

Over the last week - I've gone off the rails! I've been getting mad at her for no real reason. Worried about losing her, worried about committing, worried about a lot of things. Yesterday (Friday 7th) I went off the rails AGAIN. This time, for the last time. I said enough this time, enough to make sure I ended our new friendship, for good.
By the way guys, my topic is not based on relationships because I know it's not just help with relationships I need so don't confuse this with a topic solely about relationship advice.

The reason I'm writing this thread today is because, this (the story I've just told you) happens to form a pattern where similuar stories in the past have taken place and it's got me wondering.... perhaps I have a problem somewhere down the line. I can't keep hold of friends. I can't keep hold of women. I struggle to keep myself motivated and I've been living a very unhealthy lifestyle which includes involving my tyrannical abusive family, drugs, alcohol and unhealthy sexual thoughts. I've been lonely since I've been 16-17 years old when I was pretty much abandoned by my so-called family and left with a garbage bag full of clothes 30 miles away from my home town, to fend for myself.

Since then I've just seem to break down year after year. As I've got older though, I've got wiser, I've started working out so I look better and more healthier, I've given up various drugs and only smoke weed here and there and absolutely no alcohol unless it's just a drink here and there. I'll have friends and then... I'll just want rid of them! Like, I'll actually go out of my way to ensure they are no longer my friend! What is with that? The same with relationships. I haven't been able to keep down a job up until recently and even now, I'm really struggling to turn into work day after day. During the week, I let my apartment/flat go to s*it so it gets really messy and unhygenic.

Basically, in a nutshell; emotionally... I'm a write-off. I'm sick of living like this. I'm sicking of pushing perfectly nice people away like this woman I have been speaking too and not coincedently women before her and of course friends as well which were decent. I can't keep hold of anything or anyone without destroying it! And pushing people away!

I want friends but I have no idea how to get them. I want a relationship, kids, house, the whole 9 yards (although I'm not materialistic or superficial to believe having a house or money makes you any better than anyone else). I believe all in all I've got a good outlook on life. I've helped people. I've made people smile. I CAN, BE, HAPPY. I CAN, BE, SUCCESSFUL. I just self-destruct and THIS part of me has become the WHOLE me and I'm absolutely tired of doing things like this. Today I woke up and I was ready to call it a day, of course I'm not nor ever going to kill myself but the thought entered my mind.

I think I need help. I'm desperate to just have a normal social life. I have no friends, only acquaintainces. I'm stuck in an area that reminds me of my past, having moved back to the same area I got brought up in near my family (who I don't get along with just to reiterate) and friends that I've long since moved on from. My life seems like a big superficial pantomine. It feels slightly delusional, surreal and maybe even silly. I'm currently looking to save up to move away.

I want a happy life. I don't want to be like this. I hope I can talk to people who can relate to me possibly who are like me and hopefully be pointed in the right direction for some professional help.

P.S If it feels like my thread is a little vague, spurous or missing chunks then let me know and I'll reply with the details. I'm really keen to change and put myself in a better position so I can accept wonderful happy and decent people into my life and be proud that I can keep them around. Not just that but I also want to believe in myself more, be more confident and be a better version of myself so that I'm more available to the right people.

Thanks for your time.

Hello from_afar: Thanks for sharing your story. And kudos to you with regard to your determination to heal! I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Have you worked on the root as to why you push people away? Are there self-esteem issues at work here? Just something to consider.

Hi from afar it looks like u do to people what was done too u. Did u walk back home 30 miles. I'm the opposite of u if someone likes me I will do anything for them and they usually take advantage of me and then leave.you go out of your way so they won't like u. Ithink I learned this growing up catering to my drunk dad so he wouldn't tell me how bad I was but he told me that anyway. I think it's a learned behavoir were u allowed to express your feelings when u were young.

I'm sorry about your situation. I can really relate to it - I don't have friends and never had a girlfriend in my whole life..

I wish I had some advice to help you... but I'm probably not the best person for it. But I hope you'll be able to solve your problems, you seem very determinated

Hmmm... that's an interesting question. In my day to day life (when things are going well) my self-esteem is really high. The thing is, I'm not actually a sad person 'naturally'. I'm actually quite happy. I'm confident, focused and my determination goes through the roof usually. Having said that, this doesn't mean that my issues disappear. In fact, because I feel so damn capable - I find my issues hinder me even more!

I have worked on the roots of these issues. I thought I may of explained a little about that in my original post. There is so much to say so I don't think it would be a good idea to post it all as it would take me ages and the result would be a HUGE piece of text I'm pretty sure no-one would want to read! Basically, the roots of my problems come from my childhood. And the rest came from my teenage years, growing up with un-necessary hardship and a lot of traumatic memories. My mother (adopted) had quite an easy life but she was spoilt rotten with money, gifts and love and her sisters sorta despised her for getting her own way all the time. She later found out she couldn't have kids so she decided to adopt. That must of DESTROYED her emotionally and mentally. Perhaps why she then got so controlling over how we should grow up to become. Obviously we were always going to be our own people (me and my brother) but she couldn't accept that. So what unfolded afterwards just years and years of violence, abuse (physical, emotional and mental) and torment. I think really, she was taking her own insecurities and hatred towards herself out on us and sometimes, I don't even think she meant to hurt us so much!

My father is a soft hearted kind man with no real symptoms of morbid mental health conditions unlike my mother. So the blend there was quite a different one. I had a really kind soft father and a really evil manipulative woman, so I was always going between two extremes. Because of my father being soft hearted, my mother would use him as leverage and often used him as a tool for violence and further control (because obviously at the time, my father was a whole lot more powerful than us kids).

So basically, my parents were allowed to adopt when one of them inparticular had no real ability of being able to allow a child to grow up in a healthy environment considering the loss my mother had with two of her children (one who was ectopic and the other who died at 6 months old) and the ensuing mental health conditions that followed.

It was not a fair match. Social services here in the UK should of been more vigilant but the system ran a whole lot more differently than it does now. The law and regulations to adopt are far more stringent now than they used to be and perhaps I was just a victim of a more relaxed system in the nineties. Either way, I feel I know where most of the problems originate and unfortunately for me, they don't originate with me. Take me away from these situations and I excel, I grow, I become stronger, better etc. So the evidence is there, these environments have caused me to have such a distain and hatred towards such situations and these situations also now include me being able to manage relationships and friendships.

I guess the next move is to move on. Only this time, move on and not look back.

Hey man, thanks for your reply
I was left to fend for myself at about 17 years old after a few years of trying to get back into my family home or try and find permanent accomodation. I didn't move back to my home area until recently, about a year or so ago. It has been a big mistake but at the same time it could also be a blessing because it means I'm facing my problems head-on. Either way, I didn't walk all the way back. The time past since being dumped 30 miles away from home and now has been a good 9 years or so.

I feel I probably am taking how I've been treated over the years out on other people. I know it's not fair and fortunetly, I'm aware of that which is why I want to change! It's just so hard to treat everyone so fairly when I'm having a hard time!

I have to keep strong brother! Without this strength I don't think I'd be here. Life is not easy and it's about being able to grow from your experiences and become a better person. I've found it difficult but with time and effort and understanding, nothing I can't deal with.

Thanks for your support man. Stay safe

First of all I am so sorry you have had problems with relationships, but you have great insight. The things you are saying remind me so much of me. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoaffective Affective Disorder. I have always had problems with relationships, not making them, but maintaining them. My parents gave me to the state when I was 15, because of Schizoaffective Disorder. I became very untrusting of people and very much wanted friends and a relationship, but would sabotage every relationship I had. I imagined the people talking about me, analyzing them for any type of dissaproval or criticism. I was so scared of people ditching me I would do that to them first. After running them off I would cry and hate myself often resulting in mutilating my body. I wanted friends but I didn't know how to be in that type of relationship, often either too clingy or just not wanting to be around them at all. I am definitely not saying you have BPD, I am not a Psychologist. I have done this though and it has been attributed to my BPD diagnosis. If you can get access to Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, this has helped me so much. I have been married for 5 years now, I no longer make assumptions or think I know what my husband is thinking or will do. I keep it very simple, I try to live one day at a time, control my thoughts and emotions. I try to understand people and stay positive. With every problem that arises in our relationship I stay calm and positive. I keep in mind that people are not perfect and I am far from perfect. I wish you much love and peace.

mi 4

Hi. Just sending a hug. I'm 62 and still working on my life. Keep moving forward you'll make progress. Don't lose heart.