Hello Crazygrl882: I'm sorry you are in the grip of such disturbing thoughts. You mentioned your pdoc wants you to do therapy. I take it you have not done that yet. It may be worthwhile to give individual therapy a shot. Something such as CBT or DBT may also be helpful. Nothing ventured... nothing gained, as the saying goes. Beyond that, I'm afraid I don't have anything more to offer than do the mental health professionals you've seen. So I'll simply send hugs your way with the hope you might be able to find deep peace within...