I hit rock bottom at the end of September.

What with my heart being run through the proverbial meat grinder, loosing my best friend of nearly my entire life in the process. Being hit hard, really hard by emotions that I had willingly buried many years ago relating to grief. All my alters being unbalanced and fighting for control again. Back again to that certain way of gaining control in ways that are destructive to myself. Loosing my ability to ground myself. PTSD rearing its ugly head again and hitting me full force.

At some point in this complete mess I was in, I somehow rationalised that I knew I had lost everything. That there was nothing left to loose so the only way was up.

Oh I was wrong, so wrong.

I haven't slept in 48 hours, I've already had one trip to hospital and I'm running out of ideas. Of course everyone is busy playing "happy families" and my "friends" have vanished into thin air. I've reached out to a wall of silence.

I'm spending so much time than is good for me thinking about "that"

"Up is down" ? I don't know anymore