Jman and pppp3, it sounds like both of you are in a really bad place right now. I wish I had some magic answer or profound words of wisdom. Sorry. All I've got is the same thing that kept me going for a while. Sheer stubbornness? The faint hope that things could get better (not even that they would get better, just the possibility that they could). Challenge my beliefs. What if I wasn't as bad as I thought? Was there even a .001% possibility that I could be wrong? That the lens of my depression was making me judge myself more harshly than I actually deserved? The things I was kicking myself for--were they really bad or were they...human? Could I cut myself the tiniest bit of slack?
If any of those were possible, then maybe I could hang on just a while longer and see what developed. Life isn't static. Change happens. Change for the better is possible even when I didn't believe it was very likely.

One last question: Why can't you live for yourself? It sounds like that's exactly what you need right now. That isn't selfish--that's saving a life. Yours. You need to look after you. I hope you're reaching out in the real world for help (Doctor/therapist/minister even?)

Sorry. Didn't mean to lecture. Just wanted to offer a little hope.
Sending healing thoughts and virtual hugs your way.