Yes, that is true. The difference is-going in with a goal of making the relationship work with someone who is supposed to be an expert at facilitating that.
So this is a good point. I always thought the rockiness and getting over the bumps; working things out, was part of the therapy, as it was with my prior therapist.
But since way back, if I had a problem or concern, he sometimes would say to the effect of-if you don't like it, you could always find another therapist. Which really fed my insecurities for a long time. I told him a couple of times that those statements impede our work/alliance.
But I do recall saying to him later-I thought this [relational issues/ruptures] was part of the therapy, and he thought and said I was right, that it is part of the therapy.
I wonder if he had insecurities about my leaving from the beginning too, and if he lost clients when things got tough.
I used to tell him-how much it impeded our work for him to talk about 'ending' anytime things got rough rather than expecting to work through them. I guess I was naive feeling committed to working things out back then if he wasn't committed that way. Either that, or his insecurities fed his behavior which conflict with with mine..
I don't know how to answer your last part. I don't feel this is primarily related to wishes. My concern is if his actions are therapeutic or anti-therapeutic. I dont' think competency and harm are mutually exclusive, but in thinking of a venn diagram, that little part in the middle should be relatively small.
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Originally Posted by atisketatasket
How many relationships (sexual, friendships, etc.) do you know that are an obvious mismatch and go on for way too long, hurting one or both parties? It happens constantly.
If you think this guy is driving you to a breakdown or is starting down that path by overestimating your ego strength, then I still say what I did before, he's bad news. Competency and harm are not mutually exclusive in any practitioner.
Do you think he will listen to you and change or accommodate to your needs or wishes?
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Thanks for your input, Mouse. I don't think you are bragging. I'm happy for you.
I've always admired your therapist. I've even wondered if she was Nancy McWilliams IRL. If an ideal exists out there, your therapist is sure close to it.
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Originally Posted by _Mouse
When I read stories like this, I feel so glad that I have a T that can manage 'it all'.
I remember early on in my therapy with her, I was in a psychotic state emailing back & forth one evening with her. I can't remember now what I was saying, but it felt extremely urgent back & forth.
I remember talking about it later with T and me saying I was afraid she wouldn't reply and/or that she would leave me because of what was going on. I remember her saying of course it affected her as a person, but it was part of the work.
She understands it is all about the work. My state may have been upsetting for her, but she knows it's not about her. No rupture.
I don't tell this stories to brag. I tell them so others can compare and decide whether what they've got is enough for them, or whether to look for a T that gets and understands 'THE WORK'.
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