I think yours is complicated because you were very young when some of the trauma started.

They want to be in your life because you're a tremendous person but you are having self esteem issues (we've talked about how some of my issues were probably caused by my low self esteem as well.) Your worth is not a function of how much money you made, how much you accomplished, being the perfect weight, etc. It can be so easy to lose sight of this. And your mother is not perfect nor am I but you, and my children as well, choose to stand by us despite the mistakes we made. You aren't the first person ever to make more than one mistake. Perhaps we need to let go of the idea that we can only be loved when we accomplish a certain goal or change our personalities. And sometimes our weaknesses make us more lovable when we can laugh about them (though it may take a LONG time for us to get to this point) or at least admit them. I think I said this in a post once before, my attempt shocked me into accepting/opening up to help. I was letting pride and foolishness get in my way before I hit rock bottem. Not that I don't still have these problems but the humiliation I suffered at least helped me dial it all back a few notches from some of my ridiculous notions. In your case, I don't think you have ridiculous notions, it is more like your trauma's have likely put you behind the curve in regards to having a job, etc. It's important not to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to our peers, the media, etc. Your trajectory is your own and is based on your own unique potential and circumstances. So I think you are handling a lot of things well, it's just that you get caught up in anxiety which has happened because of the stress you have faced and your complicated mental illness.

PS While I was walking today, I was thinking--I hope this doesn't come off "wrong". You really have been through a LOT of trauma. Sometimes when people are abused in any way or traumatized, they blame themselves when they shouldn't. They let trauma and abuse that they did not cause hurt their self esteem. In comparison, I have had very little trauma and look at how it effected my mental health which caused me to make an attempt that I wish I could take back. But I no longer am obsessing about my attempt and I did for the longest time. Please give yourself a lot of time to heal and get your life back on track. What happened to you was unique circumstances but the fact that you still haven't fully recovered is not "different", I think it is totally understandable. <<<hugs>>>