Jury's In: Guilty

How I feel is wrong. It's ****ing wrong and I have no right to feel it. None.

There are people out there and on here who have no one, absolutely no one with them. They need someone and no one's there. They have every right to be depressed, to feel as though there's nothing to live for anymore. I feel for those people because I've been there, a hundred times over, I've been there and I understand that kind of loneliness. The kind where you look in your "contacts" list in your phone and see numbers that are strictly business or straight up abusive. That hurt.

Yet, here I am, I have a few good friends, my mom is very much in my life, I have a little brother who looks up to me and I have a fiance who would do anything for me. And I still feel alone. My fiance makes me feel better when he's with me, in a sense. Without it even being his fault, I feel so god damn guilty around him and unworthy that I don't feel like I can be near him. I feel like I need to leave him for his own good. So that he can sleep without waking up to get me to stop screaming, so that he can go to work without worrying about coming home to a bloody corpse, so that he isn't brought down by my depression and so that he doesn't have to convince me that what I'm seeing/hearing are hallucinations that can't hurt me. I have this amazing guy and yet I still want to die. I still want to off myself on March first, like I planned. I still cut myself because I can't handle my own mind. I'm not alone and I still want everything to be over; even though I have a reason to keep living. And for that, I'm so over-run with guilt and shame. Especially when I talk to someone who has no one in their corner and that's all they want. I have that and I'm still like this. I hate myself so much for it.

I hate myself, too. I know sort of how you feel, my boyfriend is so compassionate--he knows how much I struggle and he works so hard to love me & make me feel better... I understand the guilt you're talking about! I worry so much that he will give up on me someday. He can do better, I'm not worth it.

No two depressions are exactly the same. It's complicated. You have a lot more trauma than me and, like you, I have never been isolated like many at this forum are. You have a very complicated case; layers and layers causing confusion about even what the best treatment for you would be.
Recovery is possible. I am so grateful (and hope everyone here can experience this) that I am definitely not feeling much depression lately. For instance, I felt so much shame about attempting that the thought of applying for jobs (I have mostly worked my whole life since I was 15 years old) gave me this dreadful feeling about the thought of explaining my time out of the workforce. I am no longer worried about that -- I have no problem withholding it (it is even my right!). When I was depressed, I just couldn't look at my situation this way. So remember that depression "colors our world-(something sophiesmom once told me)" and, no matter what caused it--it is no fun/terrible/sometimes crippling for all of us who have it or have experienced it. I hated it and am so grateful mine is a little better right now. Feeling something is not a right, it just is and we understand.
PS As for feeling guilty about not being good enough for your fiance--you will have a lifetime to show your appreciation. Little things sometimes mean a lot. So does caring enough to seek treatment for your mental and physical illnesses. When it is hard to get out of bed and go to an appointment, know that this is showing how much he means to you. And trust, tenderness, appreciation, affection, kindness, loyalty and understanding can mean so much more than material things....

No need to feel guilty; those people are close to you because they care about you, and they know that you're worth it. And I'm sure you are, too - so please, don't feel guilty about any of this. Depression is an ugly beast, but I'm sure you can fight it with the help of all of your friends and relatives.

In spite of all this, your fiancé still picked you. Still chooses you. Still wants you.

I actually feel more alone when I have people in my life. So I empathize with what you're saying. I don't have the weight of feeling responsible or guilty when I'm alone.

I've been divorced and I've gotten remarried. The guilt isn't as bad now, but then again my new partner doesn't believe in mental illnesses. It's a double edged sword. Now I don't have anyone to talk to about my depression because I've spent so many years trying to be alone. Convinced I was a burden. So while they're still in my life, they are only in the normal part. The happy part. They don't acknowledge the bad stuff.

1catalina1, I'm sorry you feel this sort of thing, too. You ever need to talk, I'm here.

Mickey, thank you for your kind words. You're really encouraging and a good friend.

Hoping, you've been through a lot and I'm happy your recovery is going well. I know it wasn't easy for you. My only question is, why does my case have to be so complicated? I know there's trauma, but why do I have to be so different?

Sunlaien, I'm sorry your new partner isn't more supportive in regards to your MH. Outside of my mom and little brother, my family doesn't believe in MI, so I know how that feels to a degree.

When it comes right down to it, that's the problem. My fiance chose me, hell all of them are choosing to be in my life, and in spite of that I still want to die. How is this right? How is this okay?

Depression doesn't care if you've no friends or many. Depression doesn't care if you live in a mansion or a hovel. Depression doesn't care if you have folks that care or not but it will with glee accept your guilt. Depression plays mind games and makes us look for reasons to justify the feelings of sadness, worthlessness and pain. That guilt is just depression playing with you.

I think yours is complicated because you were very young when some of the trauma started.

They want to be in your life because you're a tremendous person but you are having self esteem issues (we've talked about how some of my issues were probably caused by my low self esteem as well.) Your worth is not a function of how much money you made, how much you accomplished, being the perfect weight, etc. It can be so easy to lose sight of this. And your mother is not perfect nor am I but you, and my children as well, choose to stand by us despite the mistakes we made. You aren't the first person ever to make more than one mistake. Perhaps we need to let go of the idea that we can only be loved when we accomplish a certain goal or change our personalities. And sometimes our weaknesses make us more lovable when we can laugh about them (though it may take a LONG time for us to get to this point) or at least admit them. I think I said this in a post once before, my attempt shocked me into accepting/opening up to help. I was letting pride and foolishness get in my way before I hit rock bottem. Not that I don't still have these problems but the humiliation I suffered at least helped me dial it all back a few notches from some of my ridiculous notions. In your case, I don't think you have ridiculous notions, it is more like your trauma's have likely put you behind the curve in regards to having a job, etc. It's important not to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to our peers, the media, etc. Your trajectory is your own and is based on your own unique potential and circumstances. So I think you are handling a lot of things well, it's just that you get caught up in anxiety which has happened because of the stress you have faced and your complicated mental illness.

PS While I was walking today, I was thinking--I hope this doesn't come off "wrong". You really have been through a LOT of trauma. Sometimes when people are abused in any way or traumatized, they blame themselves when they shouldn't. They let trauma and abuse that they did not cause hurt their self esteem. In comparison, I have had very little trauma and look at how it effected my mental health which caused me to make an attempt that I wish I could take back. But I no longer am obsessing about my attempt and I did for the longest time. Please give yourself a lot of time to heal and get your life back on track. What happened to you was unique circumstances but the fact that you still haven't fully recovered is not "different", I think it is totally understandable. <<<hugs>>>