Quote:
Originally Posted by Claritytoo
I am trying to get back to myself. I used to be productive, had a responsible job for 22 years along with several responsible part time jobs over that same period. I didn't know I had parts. I new I had a conversation of thought in my head that was sometimes exhausting. I also did things that I/me wouldn't think I would have done. That realization started me looking to a possible mental issue. I could see myself doing things I shouldn't do, I was compulsive about somethings, I would sometimes see flat people. This happened for decades. Everything started to seep out when I was in my late 40's, Panic attacks, memory loss, time loss, changes in my presentation depending on the situation. But changes were sometimes child like, hostile, foggy, confused. Equally I would at some point end up back to my self. Usually due to demands of my job. Right now I can't hold on to that person. When I am arguing about a bill or having to navigate the DMV I feel normal, like the person I have been most of my life. When I have nothing specific required of me I am meek, fearful, confused, bad driver, I don't want to hurt my parts feelings but I don't want to live in fear, in confusion, forgetting things from one day to the next. I want my capable self back but I don't know how to do it. I thought getting a job would force me to be myself but it didn't. I just ended up having a panic attack, hbp attack and sent to the hospital. I have also forgotten that I had a job and just never went back. And when I remembered I was too embarrassed to go back. Please anyone how do I get back to being me. Can anyone relate to what I am saying. My system doesn't always agree but we protect each other. We have rules of behavior that we all agree to adhere to.
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sometimes even alters abilities to take care of the one they reside with in has their limits....I have no doubt that eventually I would have reached that point where those alters in me who as a part of their sense of agency was to continue growing/evolving like I was in order to continue doing the rest of their sense of agency would have reached their limits....
example belatrix (not the alters actual name, the actual name is a violation of the profanity filter, I watched harry potter with my children last night so thats the name I happen to be giving this alter for the purpose of this post)
belatrix was an alter who as part of her sense of agency was to continue growing, evolving as I did. the rest of her sense of agency was to deal with daily tasks and emotions, (cook, clean, smile, go to school,..and be emotional cry, scream hollar, be angry, be sad, be happy sometimes in extreme non appropriate way.) in short she was my protector, my self nurturer, avenger, ... you name it she was it...
but then as I found out that I had DID and learned how to do all these things on my own this alter no longer grew and evolved... why because I was no longer dissociating into this alter which was how she was able to do these things that were her sense of agency...eventually because everything that she was and did was breaking down to situations that were beyond what she knew how to handle the only thing left to do was leave those things up to me and the others to do and integrate/ become one whole person with me.
my point if she hadnt integrated with me my life would have been what you describe where things I used to be able to do because of having alters I could no longer do because my skills were taking over and their sense of agency was not being done.
I lucked out I think because all my alters integrated before my life fell all apart due to their inability to perform their sense of agency any more.
only difference I find between then and now in me is that thanks to the alters giving up their sense of agency (or as my location calls it integrating/ becoming one whole person again) is that I am much stronger mentally now, everything that was my alters just added to who and what I am and my own abilities.
my suggestion talk with your treatment providers, it may be that your alters have reached their limits on taking care of you and your life and that you now have the skills that you may need to do everything on your own. if this is whats happening your treatment provider can help you to learn what you need in order to get back to being that life you had before you found out you have DID,