Please help if you can

I am trying to get back to myself. I used to be productive, had a responsible job for 22 years along with several responsible part time jobs over that same period. I didn't know I had parts. I new I had a conversation of thought in my head that was sometimes exhausting. I also did things that I/me wouldn't think I would have done. That realization started me looking to a possible mental issue. I could see myself doing things I shouldn't do, I was compulsive about somethings, I would sometimes see flat people. This happened for decades. Everything started to seep out when I was in my late 40's, Panic attacks, memory loss, time loss, changes in my presentation depending on the situation. But changes were sometimes child like, hostile, foggy, confused. Equally I would at some point end up back to my self. Usually due to demands of my job. Right now I can't hold on to that person. When I am arguing about a bill or having to navigate the DMV I feel normal, like the person I have been most of my life. When I have nothing specific required of me I am meek, fearful, confused, bad driver, I don't want to hurt my parts feelings but I don't want to live in fear, in confusion, forgetting things from one day to the next. I want my capable self back but I don't know how to do it. I thought getting a job would force me to be myself but it didn't. I just ended up having a panic attack, hbp attack and sent to the hospital. I have also forgotten that I had a job and just never went back. And when I remembered I was too embarrassed to go back. Please anyone how do I get back to being me. Can anyone relate to what I am saying. My system doesn't always agree but we protect each other. We have rules of behavior that we all agree to adhere to.

I wish I knew...I would be doing it too.

In my case...discovery wasn't till recent....and once The Awakening happened....there is no going back because we now know. Can't undo know as much as you drink and drugged....might forget momentarily...but it's never gone.

I've thought of this often...what if....

In our younger days it was all about work...10-16 hours a day....so the workers and male counterparts would stay out most of the time which meant that they were the hosts then.

To put them back out is physically impossible (body is older and hurts much)....plus they do a lot of drugs.

So....we now must recreate our public personna so to speak. Our system needs to adapt to the present....which I think means getting out there and doing stuff to bring out the proper Others to run things....in theory.

sometimes even alters abilities to take care of the one they reside with in has their limits....I have no doubt that eventually I would have reached that point where those alters in me who as a part of their sense of agency was to continue growing/evolving like I was in order to continue doing the rest of their sense of agency would have reached their limits....

example belatrix (not the alters actual name, the actual name is a violation of the profanity filter, I watched harry potter with my children last night so thats the name I happen to be giving this alter for the purpose of this post)

belatrix was an alter who as part of her sense of agency was to continue growing, evolving as I did. the rest of her sense of agency was to deal with daily tasks and emotions, (cook, clean, smile, go to school,..and be emotional cry, scream hollar, be angry, be sad, be happy sometimes in extreme non appropriate way.) in short she was my protector, my self nurturer, avenger, ... you name it she was it...

but then as I found out that I had DID and learned how to do all these things on my own this alter no longer grew and evolved... why because I was no longer dissociating into this alter which was how she was able to do these things that were her sense of agency...eventually because everything that she was and did was breaking down to situations that were beyond what she knew how to handle the only thing left to do was leave those things up to me and the others to do and integrate/ become one whole person with me.

my point if she hadnt integrated with me my life would have been what you describe where things I used to be able to do because of having alters I could no longer do because my skills were taking over and their sense of agency was not being done.

I lucked out I think because all my alters integrated before my life fell all apart due to their inability to perform their sense of agency any more.

only difference I find between then and now in me is that thanks to the alters giving up their sense of agency (or as my location calls it integrating/ becoming one whole person again) is that I am much stronger mentally now, everything that was my alters just added to who and what I am and my own abilities.

my suggestion talk with your treatment providers, it may be that your alters have reached their limits on taking care of you and your life and that you now have the skills that you may need to do everything on your own. if this is whats happening your treatment provider can help you to learn what you need in order to get back to being that life you had before you found out you have DID,

What you say makes a lot of sense. I figured out that I worked so many jobs to keep us in. The structure of the employment meant that the workers were out most of the time and for me they were the most functional. Only I didn't know that at the time. Now I want to have back that confidence and sense of reality. I have little ones and protectors and sucidal ones. In the past if I "had too much time on my hands" I would get a part time job. Forcing me to behave. Now I have no job and the only thing that makes me feel real is when I have to stand up to the cable company because they are over charging me. That happened today. I don't want to offend any of my parts but I don't want to live with the riveted fear that shroud me. This fear and most if not all of my emotions are held by parts. Some share feelings but some are the sole owner of the emotion. It's sad when the emotion is fear or sadness. So when they come close to the front I am overwhelmed by the feeling. And I can only try to find a way to switch so the feeling gets pushed aside to allow some other part to be out or closer to the front. Not fare to the ones in pain but I don't know what to do. I become debilitated by the feelings.

Hi so im a kid and i never lived no job life cuz when we had host people who was doin that i was inside so that dont even seem real to me even when im knowin its real cuz some of us did that they worked lots of hours and all. maybe im should be respondin cuz thats nothin i know lots about. But i get freezin up n not knowin what to do or how to do nothin when i get to feelin strong feelins to and then i go n try to do things that used to help me back when i was a real for real kid n they dont help no more so i gotta rework how i work now. Thats hard to do. Maybe you can look at diff things now like work to help keep you feelin better? Things you gotta be doin to keep bein ok and bein responsible? Maybe theres things around your house that seem real real hard but if you can think ok this is work mode time then maybe that would help? Oh i dont know if that makes sense but i hope you find a way to get it figured out and find whats gonna work for you now. Lots of times i try to not fight what i feel when it comes up but i know sometimes people needin a break from that business. I sure do sometimes.

NiKKi

This is helpful in as much as giving me another perspective. It's interesting. I don't have a central self that I am aware of. It's just all of us. So now that I am not working, the worker, who was the one who did most everything in the world, is not present. She is around but not doing what she used to do. So now there is a lot of stuff that confuses me or isn't familiar to us. Like getting places. Or presenting the same way to the same people every time. We are who ever is out at the time. Today I went to session. I was not at session last time. I did not know what my t looked like. I think she came out to the lobby to get me but I didn't know she was talking to me. So I didn't get up I just sat there. Eventually she came out again and looked directly at me and I followed her into the office. I still didn't recognize her. I looked at her today so we can remember who she is. This is the stuff that is happening now. No one let me know who she was. But your experience interest me and I may get some better understanding from it. Thank you

Thank you for this.

From what I have read and studied and I just recently talked about this in another thread: Those of us who have a dissociative disorder grew up in a dysfunctional family where the parents had no parenting skill for raising toddlers. So we all got traumatized during our toddler years or early childhood. Our families were so dysfunctional that they did not know we were traumatized or denied it.

I probably should not generalize so I will say that in my case my parents never communicated with me in any sane way throughout my childhood and even as an adult. Without communication parents will never know the child's personality even if the child is not dissociative!

The dysfunctional family promotes the mental illness! That is why it is a hidden mental illness.

So late in life when we are not around the insane family members who traumatized us and promoted a mental illness in us, things can fall apart.

Ask for the opposite of what you are getting some one to that isn't meek confused etc. Allow them a safe passage out of the way of work so that you can be a consistent productive worker. I would try to understand why, process what is impairing functioning to the point you can't put it back to together. A great therapist can help with this it basically involves getting a kick in the pants affirming yourself knowing who to get out of the way of getting boundaries and being very gentle if in it for the long haul.