I've been dealing with really deep shame for a long time. Lately, I've finally got to a place where I've started to try and catch myself whenever I start to think I'm shameful because I've made a mistake or because I'm not good enough for someone else, and to stop thinking like this. However, I still suffer from really extreme fear of embarrassing myself in front of others..
I think it's because these situations remind me of my dad emotionally 'abandoning' me - not that that was about me specifically, he's emotionally unavailable to everyone, but as a child I did take it as abandonment and thought it was my fault. It felt like he was laughing at me, at my need to have a dad and be close to him - I also thought if I could just be 'perfect', better, different, then he'd like me..
I've now started to realise that's not true either. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with me no matter what
he thought about me. And now I also want my life back - I want to be able to mess up and be the imperfect person I am without this crippling fear of making a fool out of myself.. Just have it be normal. I also
really need to learn that not everyone is like my dad! Not everyone is going to not be there for me when I'm vulnerable.. Some people actually want the best for themselves and others.
I've also thought a lot about what embarrassment actually is.. I feel it's 'just' insecurity about whether or not I'm acceptable when I mess up, when I'm not perfect. And I'm starting to think that maybe, that acceptance starts with myself - do
I accept my imperfect self? Realising this actually feels really empowering -
I control what
I believe and accept. I can't control anyone else, but I do decide everything I myself do.. And I think I do want to learn to accept myself as I am, not as what I could be
If I want to become something then that's great too, but to not accept myself
until I'm a certain way - that's harmful and hurtful.
Just felt I needed to share my thoughts
Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this!