Heightened fear of embarrassing myself

I've been dealing with really deep shame for a long time. Lately, I've finally got to a place where I've started to try and catch myself whenever I start to think I'm shameful because I've made a mistake or because I'm not good enough for someone else, and to stop thinking like this. However, I still suffer from really extreme fear of embarrassing myself in front of others..

I think it's because these situations remind me of my dad emotionally 'abandoning' me - not that that was about me specifically, he's emotionally unavailable to everyone, but as a child I did take it as abandonment and thought it was my fault. It felt like he was laughing at me, at my need to have a dad and be close to him - I also thought if I could just be 'perfect', better, different, then he'd like me..

I've now started to realise that's not true either. There was nothing fundamentally wrong with me no matter what he thought about me. And now I also want my life back - I want to be able to mess up and be the imperfect person I am without this crippling fear of making a fool out of myself.. Just have it be normal. I also really need to learn that not everyone is like my dad! Not everyone is going to not be there for me when I'm vulnerable.. Some people actually want the best for themselves and others.

I've also thought a lot about what embarrassment actually is.. I feel it's 'just' insecurity about whether or not I'm acceptable when I mess up, when I'm not perfect. And I'm starting to think that maybe, that acceptance starts with myself - do I accept my imperfect self? Realising this actually feels really empowering - I control what I believe and accept. I can't control anyone else, but I do decide everything I myself do.. And I think I do want to learn to accept myself as I am, not as what I could be If I want to become something then that's great too, but to not accept myself until I'm a certain way - that's harmful and hurtful.

Just felt I needed to share my thoughts Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear other people's thoughts on this!

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. I also have a fear of embarrassing myself in front of others. Because of this, I always try to watch and control myself when I am around others. I do not like to let others see me make mistakes. I do not let people see certain sides of me or learn certain information about me because I do not want them to make fun of me. I have this fear because people made fun of me in my past when they saw or learned certain aspects about me. These fears of shame and vulnerability have contributed to my desire to always be perfect at everything. Fortunately, I am starting to fight these fears and no longer feel the need to be perfect with everything I do.

As my self-esteem has gradually been rising, I have been gradually taking chances and letting myself be vulnerable in front of other people. One example is that I will raise my hand and try to answer a question in class even when I do not know the answer to the question. Saying the wrong answer is embarrassing to me, but by doing it, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of others. I tell myself that it is okay not to know the answer even if other people do, and the situation ends up turning out fine.

Another example is that instead of using plain, solid, single, color folders in school I now use folders with designs, colors, and fictional characters on them that I like. Allowing others to see these folders that show another side of me is embarrassing to me, but by doing it, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of others. I tell myself that it is okay if other people do not like these folders, but as long as I do, then I will be fine, and the situation ends up turning out fine. I am slowly allowing myself to be vulnerable in certain situations. I am scared each time I try it, but I smile after each time I do it and feel fine after doing it.

I really like and agree with your statements that embarrassment is insecurity about whether we are accepted when we mess up and acceptance starts when we learn to accept ourselves as we are. I am impressed that you figured this out on your own. I have started to figure this out too and it is an empowering feeling. I am happy that you realized this and that you feel empowered. Keep that feeling of empowerment with you. I know I will. Eventually, the feeling of empowerment may overpower the fears of shame and vulnerability.