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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
It can be a big challenge when coming across a toxic "group" like you are describing. Unfortunately, people will go along with "shunning" because they are getting something "they" want by being on the good side of the "bully" or toxic individual that is making it a point to convince others to decide to "unfriend" someone and shun them. Sadly, this happens a lot in different workplaces and "groups" of people.
I worked as a temp for a couple of years and what was nice about doing that is that I got to observe different work environments and the way the people in these environments developed their social groups. It gave me a chance to be a fly on the wall because I was only a "temp" and that meant I was not considered a threat, and often I was invisible.
It sounds like the "threat" you presented was because you were gaining friends and a certain individual was threatened by that. That is why so much effort was put into creating "doubt" about you and gossip that doesn't reflect the truth about you. This can happen anywhere and in any group.
In my lifetime, I have watched some very "toxic" people collect a following. It NEVER ceases to amaze me. I don't really care to get too devoted to a group for that reason because I am not willing to "hurt and shun". It can be very challenging to learn how to "play nice" in the sandbox. If someone is working on getting others to think badly of you and you know they are lying and manipulating, it's important to learn how to develop your own skills of having "your" direction and staying "your" course of being pleasant in spite of. If a person is successful at convincing others of "lies" then what that really means is these "others" are simply not worth your time and investment. The only thing you can do is be "you" and be nice as a person and commit to striving in whatever your passion is understanding how "yes" you will come across others that may be threatened by you and take part in toxic behaviors to remove their sense of threat.
These behavior patterns are part of the human condition, you will never be able to "remove" this behavior in human circles. All you can do is learn about this reality and adjust yourself towards recognizing it and developing your own way of learning how to distance from how these behaviors are intended to hurt because of how someone feels "threatened".
When a person practices these toxic behaviors, often this is resulting from something in that person's past they are compensating for. Actually? This site alone is "full" of all kinds of personal histories that different individuals experience that "hurt" them. One time I visited the forum for NPD and read a thread called "how bad was it?". What I read in that thread was SAD. I read different stories about childhood emotional neglect and abuse. So, a lot of times the toxic behaviors you come across in others is often due to how an individual is compensating for something that person did not get in their childhood. Often the desire to "shun" comes more from how a person wants to rid themselves of a reminder of something that "hurt" them. Yet, this can be on such a deep subconscious level that this person isn't really completely "aware", they just want this threat "gone". This is one of the reasons behind, "narcissists don't know they are narcissists".
Ask yourself this question, "what do all children want?", answer, attention and praise. This is what "narcissistic feed is all about".
We all desire a degree of narcissistic feed.
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I firmly believe that this is the root cause of why I was on the socially-shunned end of the stick in the one creative group I was invested the most in for many years before I left due to the misery it caused me. I was the target of one narcissist in the group, who never received the adulation they required from me (as they received from the others in the group).
I saw right through this person's motives and stood up to them frequently, also defending others in the group, who became targets of this person's wrath. So, as a result I gained a lot of respect from the group members who viewed me as someone trustworthy, decent, friendly, and not cruel. But that all changed after a major event happened, which changed everything and that's when everything fell apart for me in this group of people I spent years with.
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006
Whether this is a reality or not really just depends on your determination to get out of the environment where you're clearly oppressed in some form. It really comes down to that. It may not be something easy to do, and I didn't mean to imply that it is, if that was your impression but it is really just what needs to happen. If you're in an environment where you have no control of changing it or the parts of it (the people involved) the only options you have are to accept it is what it is and remain oppressed or move on and find a better environment. Again, easier said than done but I do believe I am speaking the truth here and ultimately what is reality.
How badly do you want to pursue your passions? What are you willing to sacrifice and do? You can only remain a victim in a situation where you can't or won't get out of.
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I call b.s. on that statement. That's very passive-aggressive and not the least bit constructive or even helpful. It comes across as a judgement or criticism of my character, which is irrelevant frankly.
I don't have the finances to move to another city/state/country. And even if I did, like I said, "wherever you go, there you are." Your problems DON'T change because your geography does. I've lived elsewhere over the years, and that didn't change anything for me socially-speaking, except my billing address for bills and rent. It is very naive to think that a new location means fresh start. The fresh start is internal, not external.
Obviously, I need to make an internal change about my attitude with these toxic individuals. That is probably the only way I can deal with them.
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Originally Posted by Onward2wards
((( Cielpur ))) this sounds like an "office politics" kind of situation. If your recreational life were a work environment, people are making it toxic. I can't for the moment offer any advice - because you don't seem to have a "supportive manager" type figure available in this situation - but you have my support.
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Yes, this is true. It is exactly like a toxic office environment. I invested years into the major creative group, and it ended up being toxic to my well-being. The other two groups I belonged to (creative ones as well) I wasn't as invested, but was still shunned socially to the point where I gave up and left both groups feeling defeated and downhearted. If I try to get involved in any of these creative areas in my city again, I will look for new people to socially connect with and will try to avoid letting my past toxic social relationships interfere if I can. That's the hard part about this. The really hard part. Once people shun you it's difficult to convince mutual social connections not to take sides. But people always take sides. It's human nature to take sides in these situations. I thank you for your support Onward. It means a lot.