Thank you for the reply!

Now, I totally know what you're saying and I know I can be tough on people. The truth is though, everytime I was abandoned, I actually didn't even voice my fears because I was ashamed of them. This is the first time I shared them and I did so because she too expressed she fears abandonment and not being enough in general, not in relation to me but as a constant feeling in her life. So we'd discussed issues like this before, not in relation to our friendship but generally. That's why I felt compelled to let her know how I feel, not to pressure her but rather to be honest and show the trust I do have in her. If this bothered her so much, she should have said so.

But in this case, I'm pretty sure that has very little if anything to do with it. It's all about this new job and her anxiety over it. She can get extremely anxious about certain things and intensely suffer over them and she's avoidant. Now she told me a few days before, that she's had panic attacks about this new job and has been feeling extremely guilty that instead of being happy about the job, a job in a field she likes, a job she wanted, she's feeling anxiety and feeling insecure. She feels easily guilty about things, she has this thing about trying to do the best she can, it comes from a good place of course but of course it leads to guilt and insecurity when anxiety or something gets the best of her.

Yes, I was having a hard time too on top of everything and "whining" but she had also said in the past that she'd feel bad if I stopped telling her how I feel, because she wants to be there for me(which is a mutual thing btw).

Mostly, when she doesn't reply for a day or two, I do get worried and wonder if it means something bad for our friendship but my main worry is related to how she's doing, if she's feeling alright, if something happened. It so happened to me that several online friends have either suffered an accident, sudden illness or, as in the case of one friend, might have even passed away suddenly, and I only found out days later. Well, in the case of my one friend who I suspect died(that disappearance was super out of the blue and no, I had actually never whined once about anything to her, it was just so sudden and she disappeared off everything and I did know her in person). So when it's a friend who lives abroad, I get worried when there's a change in pattern because I fear something might have happened to them and that makes me feel anxious and helpless because obviously I can't help and I'm very much interested in their wellbeing.

If she lived nearby, if we were in the same city/country, I would not be quite like this because it would be different and in case of something I could just go check up on her, ask a relative, phone her and I'd know that I'd find out if something went wrong. It would also be ok not to be in contact all that much online because there'd be the chance to hang out in person, do stuff from time to time, which is a more consistent type of interaction. But this way, she's on another continent and messaging is the only direct, quick way of staying in touch, of knowing how the person is doing and it's also the only way of building and nurturing the friendship, of being supportive of one another and having fun too. Because of the time difference, very rarely we've chat for hours, I don't even think we've ever even set a time to have a chat like that, it's more like if she's online when I'm online, we chat, if not then we message back and forth.

And I am sure that there's better ways to deal with people who have abandonment trauma that causes them to act needy and need reassurances, than just block them without a really clear explanation and all of a sudden. Even if that were the reason, which is surely isn't, at least not primarily, being someone who understands first hand how it feels to have similar fears and knowing I mean well and that even when I'm needier it's not me trying to take advantage or anything but simply an expression of how much I care, because the fear is greater the more you care, she could have been clearer and she could have not blocked me.

Truth is, I've always been abandoned and no, it was never for being needy because I kept that to myself until now. No, I was abandoned because people weren't really my friends and were just after something; I was abandoned because people liked talking to me when they too were going through a bad time and liked that someone could understand and empathize, but once they felt better and made new friends, I simply stopped being interesting and worth the time and I was abandoned by family members once they couldn't get any favors out of my mom and me. I was even half abandoned by my own father. I've never had anyone other than my mom, not leave without even saying anything. It's literally been 100% of my experiences with people so far. This time I really thought it was different.

I don't worry that much for no reason, I'm not normally quite like I probably sound now on this thread. Sure, I could be less anxious, I could fear abandonment less but then, it's always happened and at some point one does need some positive experience, no?

After so much mockery and abandonment, I often felt scared to even try to make friends, that it would be useless. But I always fought against those fears, I didn't let them turn me into a misanthropic cynic(like my mom did), I always start of giving people all the chances in the world, thinking they're good and loyal until actually proven wrong. I do my best to open up and be honest and genuine and build a connection the best way I know how with my limited experience and, for my friends, I would always do anything I can do. But I'm going to stop that, I can't get hurt again and I don't deserve it.