I feel yet another friend abandoned me

I don't know exactly where I should post this thread, I hope it's the right place and I'm sorry if it's not.

I'm having a really tough time right now because it seems once again, as ALWAYS, I let someone in and they easily abandoned me. There's no way to even put into words how I'm feeling and how much more lonely. I need friends, I really need a friend.

There's this long distance friend I have, who I bonded with like I never did before and we share a lot of things, including anxiety and depression, and I am terrified she's just abandoned me.

She got a new job last week and it's been making her very anxious, which I completely understand of course, and I'm not doing well in my life either but we were there for each other, both with no one else who truly understands these issues, apart from a therapist, and we have shared hobbies and even had fun making scenarios, building stories about our favorite pairing from a tv show, the only one that we find relatable and a good outlet.

We were open with each other, telling each other the unfiltered truth about how we feel, the things we've struggled with and she was the only one there for me this winter, through this aching loneliness and unmet needs and my mom's health problem looming over my life.

She knows that the worst thing anyone can do is ignore and leave me. I have abandonment issues, my father left home before I was 2, he wasn't around much for a long time, just a visitor for an hour a couple of times a week, and then when I was 14 he got sick and died so in a way I had the amazing, unlikely fortune of feeling abandoned twice by the same parent. I of course didn't realize the affect it had at the time, I took it all rather well on the surface but then it left me with this. Later on, throughout my life, I was unfortunate to only make friends who either turned out to be fake and only hanging out with me cause I had a bit more money and I was very giving(this was the case for every buddy I had up to university, minus one maybe) or friends who left all of a sudden or just stopped being interested once they found other people and/or got out of their difficult times(whether just emotionally difficult or otherwise as well).

It seems to me I was always either a money cow to be milked or someone absolutely expendable, good for when the person is also in a rut and/or lacking in friends, no longer good enough the moment they meet anyone else and whatever was making life hard gets better.

It's like I'm good while I'm relatable and they're having a rough time, because hearing about my unhappiness and having someone there who they know won't judge and will listen with all the compassion and empathy possible and not minimize their struggles, makes them feel better and feel understood and maybe they just don't have anyone else to talk to either. Once one of those variables changes, all the professed affection and everything, goes out the window and I fade away in their mind, no longer interesting enough, no longer worthy of their time or any effort.

My friend now, since we both have trouble with similar things, similar anxiety, similar depression, both feeling outside the gender binary, etc , we've made a strong bond(at least on my side) and we discuss a lot of things, very openly and all that. She always insisted she'd be there for me, that she'd never ignore me or leave or get bored with me just because I'm having a tough time at one point or another, or because I'm not an issues free, very low maintenance person. She isn't either and there's true understanding and connection there so there's nothing to worry about.

She knows that abandonment is a huge thing for me, she knows how anxious I get at the slightest sign I might have said something wrong or might be ignored or something, she knows I always have this instinctive fear of being left just like that. She has these fears too, a little less than I do but she still has them.

Now she's got this new job and I've been so terrified, so anxious, so panicked the whole time since she mentioned going to the interview, terrified it would end up pushing her away from me. I mentioned it, I was open about it and she said that it's impossible. It seems I was right, even if not for the reasons I was expecting. I thought the likely scenario was that she'd find some new friends, all closer to her and happier people and she'd also feel better in her life so she'll just fade away, like it has happened many times for me, as recently as last year.
But no, instead she got very anxious about work and I begged her not to bottle it up inside and isolate herself like she'd told me before she does, at least to try not to have that behavior towards me because I understand and want to be there for her like she's been for me and I worry about her every day and all that. She said she won't just disappear on me. Then, days later she sends me a long message that seems to low key be an attempt to justify doing just that, to make herself feel better about it, less guilty. But even there there was no mention of leaving, it was just saying she is a bad friend, that she feels guilty she can't be there for me and all that, like before, because of this anxiety. As if being guilty erases anything.

Today she said something like she can't be around for a while and that she is so so very very guilty and sorry about it and then to make sure she doesn't have to witness my reaction, she blocked me on messenger. She didn't unfriend me or anything but she cut off my right to a reply.

I would totally understand if she had just come on and said hey I am just in a bad place and don't feel up to talking to anyone and so I don't think I'll be around as always for a while and/or let's not talk heavy issues that are emotionally charged. That's perfectly fine and I already told her I would keep any talk about myself to a minimum seeing she's the one more in need right now.

But no, taking this approach was cowardly and unfair because she knows, she understands these things, she understands my anxiety, she understands and knows fully well that it would appear like abandonment, that it will hurt me unnecessarily and severely, that it is highly triggering and traumatizing. She said she'd never do that and I believed her because she showed she cared, she showed she understands. I too understand that anxiety can make one not think straight and do things they might not do otherwise but we talked about that and I don't think it's right or justifiable to do something so unnecessary even if you're not stable in that moment. There was no reason for her to take that approach, absolutely none, especially since we also live in different countries so, as opposed to other people in her life, I'm super easy to avoid when she's avoiding the world. There's consequences to things like this and she knew it will crush me, that in this complete loneliness and everything I'm going through, it's like putting a knife through my heart. She knew. When I said I feel life has no purpose because there's no way I'll ever be able to meet my emotional needs and feel love, she said she loves me and my loss would be something she'd never get over, that I'm not forgettable as I think I am, that I matter. Was that a lie? Did she not think about the chance, albeit small because I fear death, that she'd be driving the final nail in my coffin and cause abandonment that might put me over the edge or just destroy me? When she unblocks me and tells me she's back(if she doesn't just forget about me, like she probably will), did she not think I might not be there anymore? Or if it appeared on her timeline that I was gone? Apparently in her mind just phrasing it better and not cutting me off was a harder thing to do than potentially lose me.

I'm trying to tell myself that since this is the M.O she has when she's in a bad place, it's only a temporary slip of judgement and when she's a little better she'll realize she shouldn't have done that and then try to be a bit more in control of her reactions, more mindful of my needs simply because we're both dealing with similar stuff so she knows you do have to be a bit more mindful of how what you do and say will affect someone like that as opposed to someone who doesn't suffer from those things. But this right now feels like just another abandonment and considering it didn't have to sound that way, all the understanding in the world doesn't make it less traumatizing. IN fact, perhaps making it worse, it's just that I'm not upset with her, I'm just upset with life, with how consciously or not I'm always on the receiving end of being the disposable one whose feelings and needs and wellbeing people stop taking into consideration the moment anything happens differently in their lives, good or bad.

Also, I can say that on my part, no matter how I might be feeling, I absolutely never ever stopped considering other people, even when maybe I "whine" or need some emotional support, I'm always still also consciously thinking of the other person and no amount of anxiety or fear or anything would make me stop being around or ignore someone. That's also true for if I were to get better and be happy. I don't know, for me the knowledge of how it is to struggle makes it impossible not to consider these things, to treat those like me especially kindly and with particular patience because I know how it's like, I know no one chooses to be suffering and we all need to know someone's there in our corner. That stays with me no matter how I'm feeling.

It's hard to make friends when you have a bit of social anxiety and it's hard to meet people and being "different" too(gender non-conforming woman, quite masculine but not attracted to women so I don't even fit in the stereotypical butch category) and here it's particularly hard for me to bond with anyone as it's really hard to find others with a similar mentality, similar interests, similarly conscious of what is going on in the world, etc.

I have a couple of friends and I care about them but they've shows from the beginning and continuously that, for some reason or the other, they just can't truly empathize and be there for me so I can't have that emotional intimacy and connection with them, that you should have with close friends and they've always failed to be there for me as it would have been normal, when I had a problem(such as last month when my mom had a small surgery and that was so terrifying and stressful for me).

It sucks that your friend did that. I think you are right and she will come back around when she realizes how much she hurt you and when things settle down for her. I'm sorry she cut off your ability to respond back to her message. That (to me at least) was cowardly and uncalled for.

Thank you for replying, I'm feeling so lonely and in pain right now.
I do hope she comes back, I hope it wasn't just words when she said she'd never hurt me like that, when she said she loves me but I feel she'll just forget about me, even when she gets better she'll just forget because I don't know how, even in a bad state, she couldn't think about how much she's hurting me with that approach, especially when she knows she could have just told me her anxiety is making her go into that isolation mode and she might not respond to my messages so it's better to give her a few days. That would have made all the difference instead of this thing she did.

She was all oh I'm so so sorry and feeling so so guilty and I'm such a bad friend but I have to do this. That doesn't take responsibility away because once you know the other person and you've shared things and willingly stayed and accepted that person and built a strong bond, you have some responsibility, you can't just think oh I can't right now so I'm gonna block you on messenger so you can't answer this message and try to somehow make yourself feel better about it cause you're feeling guilty and sorry. If she's feeling guilty and sorry then she should do something about it, it means she knows it's not the right approach.

It's so hurtful especially when I think of how she always talked, even last week when I told her about my anxiety related to her starting work and possibly ending up bored of me when she finds some friends and whatnot.

She was all like you know I'd never do that and I understand why you're anxious about it but you'll see it's not the case, I'll just prove it to you.

She always told me, like I told her, that I'm worthy and she'd miss me if I were gone from this Earth and yet now she does this thing that she should well know could have well entirely destroyed me and would at the very least traumatize me further. It's like...I totally understand her isolating herself but not like this, I understand having a hard time coping with what's going on and not feeling like interacting and/or dealing with someone else's problems too, but it's not like I say anything unless she tells me it's ok so it's not warranted. I'd never do this and it's so painful because everything so far suggested she is honest about her feelings for me but this...this suggests maybe she wasn't. If you care that much about someone, do you do something like this when you're feeling bad?

I hope she comes back around and doesn't forget about me because I really can't handle another abandonment like this and I do love her dearly and we're such good friends but I don't know, I don't feel like I'm someone people think about randomly ,especially after something like this and shutting me off for who knows how long.

And since she blocked me(another sign of guilt maybe), I worry she might not come back even just because of that guilt ,in which case I would like to be able to tell her that if she just lets me know she realizes she shouldn't have done things like she did, it's totally fine, I would completely understand.

Did the length of my post scare people off? I'm sorry, I know it's long but I'm really struggling and I'd like to talk to people if possible.

We're listening. I can relate to what you say, I have struggles with friends as well I'm sorry.

You didn't scare me off and if you want to talk I'm listening I can only come here when I'm at work so it might take me a bit to respond but I am listening.

Thank you! I am new here so people don't know me and I'm not exactly sure how to make friends on here and now this happened and I'm suffering like a dog

I can't imagine how hurtful that was for you, but perhaps she just needs a break to take care of herself. It has nothing to do with you and I'll bet that in her own time she comes back.

Just keep posting and I'm sure you will meet people here. Sorry you are suffering so much

I do hope she's just taking a break, which I expected since she told me it's something she ends up doing when she's unwell. But the way she went about it is making me fear she's abandoned me, that she allowed her bad state to take over and hurt me by leaving. It wasn't a fair thing or really warranted to block me on messenger, even if she didn't unfriend me or anything. Yes, I did ask her everyday how she's doing, I showed my worry for her and yes I can see how my own anxiety and problems can of course trigger her when she is in a fragile state, but for that she knows she just has to tell me she is taking a break and I would refrain from doing more than checking up on her every few days.

I noticed her two messages were one hr apart so at first she just said she can't be around for a while and then she decided to block me. I hope that doesn't mean she abandoned me but no matter how much I try to rationalize it and be positive, I have abandonment issues that are very real and based in a lot of experiences big or small and I have anxiety and some depression and am chronically lonely. She knows all this and she's always been mindful about it and said she would always be, we share the anxiety and depression after all so she gets it. For that reason, if she doesn't come back, it will be the worst abandonment I've had apart from my father's, because ot would come from someone I care deeply about and someone who truly does understand me and knows how fragile people like us can be about certain things and we promised eachother many times that we will never hurt eachother like this.

I think about it all the time, wondering how she is feeling and wondering if she thinks of me, if she still cares about me like she said she did, if it would still hurt her to lose me, like she always told me it would.

Plus, she knows that while she has a warm, loving family(both parents and a brother) and more friends, I can't emotionally count on anyone else, not even my mother, who is a great person but massively unhappy too and not really able to understand how anxiety works. So she knows that I am not only hurting massively due to her gesture, but that I am all alone in it.

I also fear that she will stay away later because of guilt(she does get intense guilt) or because she's going to forget about me(which is what I always worry about since it always happens to me).

I really think you need to focus more on taking care of you and less on her right now. Sounds like your anxiety is really high. Can you maybe talk to a therapist? Your friend may talk to you tomorrow or if could be weeks or longer. You probably don't want to live like this until then. Get healthy so you are the best you can be when she comes around. Take care of you.

Thanks for your replies btw!

Well, I'm still here and getting out of bed and trying to fake my way through the day so I'm doing the best I can. I don't have a therapist to talk to right now, he's away for a little while and then it's going to be Easter so I have my next appointment at the end of April.

I sent my friend a little present for her birthday(mailed it at the beginning of the month, it takes a long time to get there) and her bday is in 2 weeks so I'm hoping she gets it and says something. I'm not going to be 100% certain she's abandoned me until my bday comes around(which is on the 22nd of June, so that's 3 months, it's quite enough) since she knows it's my 30th and she knows how I feel and that this is an important thing for me. If she's not back by then and she doesn't even wish me a happy birthday...

But either way, even if my rational, intellectual side is trying to stay positive and realizes she might very well come back since she didn't delete me and whatnot, I'm feeling extremely abandoned.

If she comes back, I'm not mad, I'll know it was not her but just anxiety and depression taking over her and acting on her behalf, which would be ok even though I'll surely tell her she should somehow prepare for that because this sort of thing is still bound to be quite traumatic on someone like me.

But if she doesn't come back...that would mean people are just always meant to leave me, no matter how much they actually do care, no matter how supportive and understanding they prove they can be, no matter what, they still leave all of a sudden and the affect that has on me is irrelevant to them. I understand needing to step back from the world and feeling like just retreating inside yourself and being antisocial when you're fragile and struggling. I understand someone being rude, saying the wrong thing, acting up, etc(this she didn't do, I was just saying in general). Basically, I understand things people do when they're hurting, that are a spur of the moment thing, that they didn't have much time to think over or control. But what she did, if she doesn't undo it, is a gesture that could have been avoided, something she had time to think over. So if she doesn't undo it, it means that I was immediately disposable and what happens to me didn't matter, that it didn't matter how immensely hurt I would be, I could be sacrificed for pretty much nothing. That's not right.

Tbh, if this thing doesn't get fixed, I don't think I can risk making close friends or anything with anyone because I'm just really unfortunate, I have a lot of bad luck with people and it's just that, maybe, I never inspire quite enough love and for longer than a little while. Maybe I'm too broken and needy and just not right enough for people to be able to feel enough for me. I think I should be but I see I'm not.

It's quite ironic how this added to my already strong suffering about never having felt loved by anyone in a way that was also romantic, that i can never have intimacy(emotional and physical), experience touch and feel desirable. On top of being a really masculine presenting woman and probably not the prettiest crayon in the pack, I'm also sporting these emotional scars and fears, that will always require a bit of patience and understanding, a gentler touch. What can I hope for, how can I hope for romantic love, for a true partnership, a man I could love, being attracted to me and loving me back, when no man has ever been interested and even the few friends I manage to make all just abandon me for no reason or get bored quickly, same result. Love is just not meant for me...

First of all I had a long time friend unfriend me on facebook over a year ago. I had a full blown panic attack and got severely depressed over it. That's a long story in itself, but I want you to know that you aren't alone in feeling a loss or questioning where a relationship was at. He just stopped talking to me and that was that.

Secondly never ever start to feel unworthy because of someone else's actions. You are very much deserving of love and a worthwhile person. Don't ever stop believing that. I know this hurts, but this is not a reflection of you.

It sounds like you were both very close. That doesn't just go away. She may feel in over her head with this new job and is coping as best as she can. Once things calm down I think she'll be around again.

I don't think this friend is a good fit for someone with such extreme abandonment issues at all. Blocking you is not taking a break out of personal need unless she clearly explains to you what's going on and takes into account who you are and what this will mean to you. I hope you can work past this but if this becomes a habit of hers, it seems it will cause more harm than good in the end. With all that said, I guess I'm a very mentally and emotionally unstable person so take what I have to say with a grain of salt. Good luck and I really hope you find a more appropriate friend whose personal issues will not be so triggering to you, and who your issues won't be as triggering to them. Wishing you all the best. (((Hugs)))

Well since I have no one else to talk to, I'll just keep this thread going. It's really hard, I'm having a rough time, always anxious, feeling abandoned, having moments of just such intense sadness and loss worrying she's never going to talk to me again. I saw her like a couple of posts on Facebook(not my posts, it just showed on my timeline that she liked a couple of random posts) and I started crying because I just want to know she's going to get back to me and because of course I'm thinking well is she better and still not saying anything, does she not miss me, is she not thinking of about how I'm doing.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend doing that to you, it's such an unwarranted thing to just unfriend someone out of the blue, without trying to at least have a conversation about it first.

I'm feeling kinda' like you did then, although my friend didn't unfriend me or block me entirely on Fecebook, just the messaging system and she's certainly not doing that out of being upset with me either, there's no question about that. In a way that makes it worse and more confusing cause there's nothing to even apologize for or make me think I deserve it.

Normally I would agree that when someone abandons you or might have abandoned u(since it's uncertain at this point), without having done anything wrong, it's not really a reflection of you and your worth. However, this just keeps happening to me, in some way or another. Friends either simply fade away once their lives are better and/or they make more friends, or they abandon me or it turns out they were just after something.

So, I don't know if I'm worthy or not, I don't know if i'm just unfortunate or boring or too emotionally scarred ,but for whatever reason it's pretty clear love and support and being important to people are things I can't have.

It's already bad enough it seem no man can find me attractive because I'm a masculine woman, I'm already severely deprived because of this permanent lack of affection and intimacy so what happened with my friend this week really just took the last ounce of hope I had, along with the only source of real connection and support.

Maybe I'm weak but I can't keep taking punch after punch after punch and go without ever meeting any of my needs for human connection and touch and all that, and just stay positive and keep running optimally on empty.

Yes, very close and it certainly doesn't go away for me. I know that's exactly how she's feeling, overwhelmed and with some extreme anxiety about the job, which is fine if she comes back but she still had zero reason to block me and especially when she knew it would hurt me. If she comes back it's fine though, it's all I can think about but maybe she'll be too guilty and avoid me for that reason or just forget about me like everyone does.

I agree with what you're saying about her blocking me. Now, I'm more than willing to let it slide this one time because I know she's struggling a lot and I know she's avoidant and tends to isolate herself when she's having a rough time, but if she comes back I'll have a serious talk with her and tell her that she should prepare for such moments, maybe write and save a message for when she feels like she's going to be compelled to bail for a while, something compassionate and sensitively put that she can just send to me instead of a confession of guilt ,a litany of sorry's and a block.

She really should take into account how her action will make me feel, especially when I'm having a hard time and dealing with anxiety and abandonment issues. I do trust this person because she proved herself before to be there when I needed support and she has always been very open with me and I could be very open with her and she always had the right reactions. That's why it hurts so much more than any other abandonment, because she really is good and she really did come through and proved she cared, we really do have this bond and I don't want to lose that, especially not because of a bout of severe anxiety.

Everytime I see she's been online on Facebook, I can't help but think "sure, she's online now, having a great time now that she doesn't have to worry about talking to you!". Maybe it's stupid and surely I've done nothing wrong but considering I've anxiety and suffer from extreme loneliness and we always tell eachother everything, my mind automatically goes to "oh yes, she's good now, she found a reason to bail on and not have to deal with my sadness"

It's so not right, I'm so upset, I've literally done nothing wrong and if she didn't want to hear any of my "whining" for a while, she should have just said so cause I can completely understand how that can be triggering when you're feeling bad yourself. And she knows, she knows I was already anxious at the thought of possibly losing her due to her new job, that she'd find better friends and just forget about me(which has happened to me multiple times). She said oh no, that could never happen and all that and then a few days later...this stupid block.

I really need her to be back and not be a coward, I know she's a good person and just cause aniety pushes her to do these things, I don't want that to ruin a very good friendship. But if she's going to be a coward and avoid me cause of guilt or just force herself to forget about me.....the harm would have been done, I can't take so much abandonment, I just can't, I was already out of hope in my life. How can I hope for love when even in friendship I have only bad luck...

Please note that I'm going to be as gentle as I possibly can via this medium, as you're unable to see my body language or hear my tone of voice, and what i might type, may come across as a bit harsh.

Have you ever considered the fact that your issues are yours, and not the responsibility of others to tiptoe around?

Yes others can be aware of them, and be considerate towards them (within reason) but IMO, we shouldn't expect people to cater to our demons and change how they do things.

It's also quite easy to wear out our nearest and dearest in this manner, and if you don't have many, you may want to be conscientious of the amount of emotional responsibility you place on another.

I was and sometimes still am, quite insecure, especially in the romance arena, but my relationship was quite unhealthy in the beginning because my thought processes and expectations were much like yours in this thread. It's like I could have written it verbatim...

How we got to healthier footing?
I took ownership of my issues and didn't expect or ask my bf to behave or act a certain way to feed my inner demons.
For example, he retreats when he's super depressed, and like you, that freaked me out to no end and drove my anxiety through the roof. Once I decided that his depression wasn't about me, and as long as he gave me a notification and didn't just randomly disappear off the grid, I made it my goal to stay sane and deal with my insecurities myself. Instead of making him feel guilty for fueling them.

Now not only am I MUCH less (sometimes zero) insecure about us, but I also have a better handle on my own emotions, because I had practiced so much "Distress Tolerance"...

He said something which I thought was very mean at the time, during one of his depression / hiding episodes.

He said: "baby, the world doesn't revolve around you" lucky for me, or him, he elaborated by saying that every single feeling, decision or thought was not a direct consequence of my existence. That just because he needs some space doesn't automatically mean I am the problem. It means what he said it means, he needs some time to be alone...

So I guess in short, even though its kind of impossible to make it sweet, please consider that fact that our issues are not other people's problems. We shouldn't expect others to dance to our "sick" tunes, instead we should try to play and listen to healthier music.

I'm sorry if I'm talking in circles or repeating myself.

I'm really sleepy and really trying to be sensitive, while delivering a potentially not so nice message....

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Generally speaking you're right of course but I still don't think it's right to outright abandon someone and take away all means of getting in touch to at least ask for a definite clarification.

I don't know about you but I'm always taking into account how my actions will affect others because they do, that's the truth. It's like saying if someone abuses you it's your fault if you're left traumatized by it. That's obviously a more extreme example but the general point remains. Just like it's not right to let out your anger at other people, one shouldn't hurt someone when they can help it, when it's easy to help it.

My friend didn't tell me she was coming back, she just said sorry and her short message is left up for debate, it's not going either way, and then she blocked messages on Facebook so I have no way of contacting her because I never had to use her email and now I can't find it. She can take all the time she wants but she should have just said that's what she's doing. One sentence would have been enough "I'm not abandoning you" or anything to the effect. But she didn't do that and I did nothing to deserve this pain that I can't help. I already said that if it was just a misunderstanding on my part, if she'll be back, I'll put this behind me and just tell her to be a bit clearer in the future, but if she just bailed without even telling me she's doing it, that's cowardice. If it's so unreasonable to simply expect someone not to block me out of nowhere without giving me at least a clear explanation, then I'm unreasonable and that's that.

Oh and when I say I told her about my fears, that's because I wanted to be honest and put it behind me instead of letting it fester. I wasn't saying I believed she would leave, just that I feared she would, that I had that anxiety but my rational mind knew better. But that's got nothing to do with anything right now and well I guess my irrational fears were rational in the end.

You don't have to worry though, I'll never have a boyfriend since I'm so repulsive in my masculinity. I'm not going to even try to make friends anymore because really, I don't deserve outright abandonment for no reason and life has always been trying to tell me to stop hoping or trying or looking for love and friendship and all those things I cannot have, I'm not meant to have them and that's been among the first lessons I ever got and then I kept being abandoned, mocked and ignored and discriminated against for not fitting some gender norm. Well, if this is more than my friend just taking some time and not being clear about it, if she just left without me doing something wrong, then that's the final lesson for me, I need no more, I've learned it. It's all just complete loneliness in the end and no one needs the love I have to give because no one can find any use for me or any love in their hearts for me.

She should have just told me either that she's going for good and why, or tell me she's not abandoning me and she's just doing this because it's what she does. I would have understood that, but she didn't do like your boyfriend and even though I'm on her friends list...it means nothing as long as I can't even ask her how she's doing. And if she's going to be too guilty to come talk to me, I can't contact her to say I'm not upset.

Oh and I sent her a present for her bday that's coming up, sent it way before this situation happened and the tracking system says it was delivered. She could have just said she got it, I was really excited for her to get it, sent it all the way from another continent.

I kind of think its good to give her some space If its meant to be she'll come back to you. My intuition, ie gut feeling is you should let me come back when she's ready Reminds me of the Aesop fable of the wind and the sun The wind kept blowing on the man with the coat and each time the wind blew the tighter the man held his coat to him. The sun gently did its thing and the man immediately took off his coat. Sometimes less force is more foreceful. Point is sometimes its important to give a friend some space. If i hurt your feelings I'm truly sorry. I do wish you well.

All the Best

Sometimesthe other person doesnt know how to put in words that they are feeling suffocated by the needyness on anothers abandonment issues & knows that whatever they say will be taken the wrong way so the sadly the easiesy way is to take a break & see howthey themselves anslyze the situation durjng the break, leaving it open ended. The sad thing is that many times the needyness to not be abandonded pushes people away because it can become overwhelming & its not easy to express to the person that is how they are being effected by them & is usually met with defensiveness.....which just adds to their need to be away & doesnt fix it.

I have a friend with abandonment issues & constantly needs assurance that her friends are there. It was a whole new experience to deal with a friend like that. I dearly LOVE her but I was used to being alone & independent & had NEVER experienced a friend like that. I moved here from a bad marriage & knew no one but got very active in my community & activities in many areas. Last week I was dealing with a migraine & was in bed when I wasnt forcing myself to do things I really needed to do. When we talked (I always need hours free for our phone conversations between getting together) her comment was that I should have texted her I wasfeeling lousy with a migraine. Honestly that was the last thing I felt like doing.

Putting expectations on others to ease our issues may NOT be the best thing for them. Honoring their boundaries is justvas important as getting our own needs met & even more important forusto understand when its our needs that are causing them to set their boundaries.

There are just some things in life that no matter HOW they are handled will cause an issue or hurt of some kind.

I would suggest getting into DBT therapy. Learn distress tolerance skills. Get involved with activities that dont put so much demands on your friends to keep assuring you that they havent abandoned you because that can become quite overwhelming to them & push them away rather than keeping them there as a REAL FRIEND when they feel like they are only being used....that feeling gets old real quick & thats when boundaries end up being put in place....boundaries that we cause to be set by our own needyness to not be abandoned.

Its tough when we realize that its our behavior that is causing the problem....not theirs & in realuty we are the one that needs to work on change....especially when we see this as a repeating situation in our lives when trying to keep friends.

Be well....get some good therapy to really start working on yourvabandonment issues & how to better relate to friends without allwing your abandonment issues to get in theway of real friendships. i understand the struggle & the work it takes to honestly deal with the issues

Yes but she said that before she decided to block me. And she blocked me, that's totally unnecessary.

I wasn't saying I would do absolutely anything in the sense that I'd let them walk all over me or something, just that as long as it's something I can do safely and reasonably, I'll do it. Also, I'd just never do anything like this, no matter how bad I feel, just pull back without at least attempting to give a clear explanation, because I wouldn't be able to live with making someone suffer when I can help it.

Also, "whining" doesn't bother me at all. I get triggered by certain things like talking about certain illnesses, but generally speaking I don't get triggered by someone else mentioning/talking about anything that is bothering them. Why? Because my own experience and the way I see things, make me always go into it with this knowledge that someone else's suffering is going to first and foremost hurt them, they are struggling the most with it and no matter how much I empathize with it(and I do), my potential sadness is going to be second hand in a sense, it's not as direct and inescapable as those issues expressed are to them. I am glad when I can empathize and listen and try to give any support and I think people deserve kindness and patience and compassion especially when they are hurting, when that makes them not fun to be around. After all, it's hard to put your suffering out for the world to see, it's hard to be open and raw about it and usually people do it when they just can't keep it inside anymore. I read this quote once somewhere, "love doesn't meet you at your best, it meets you in your mess." I think that's true because it's easy to be with someone, in any capacity, when it's all fun and games, but the real connection, that strong bond and affection, the lasting kind, is when things are tough and you stick around, when people are vulnerable and in need, that's how deep intimacy and connection form. I don't shy away from that and I know some people do but I don't. Maybe I'm hard to take sometimes, maybe I need some extra reassurance, I'm not that low maintenance, but I'm putting my money where my mouth is and I try to be the best I can in general.
People deserve kindness when they are kind themselves and if society and other people can put others down and hurt them, I think people should also be there to lift each other up and not let each other feel lonely and alone. Especially those like us, struggling with some emotional/mental issue.

My friend has been coming online, she's been liking Facebook posts(at least 3 cause that's what appeared on my timeline), she's liked some friends photo but I posted some pictures I took at the park yesterday and she didn't like that. She's not disappeared off the face of the Earth, she's just acting like I don't exist.

Yes, I'm still on her friends list but that doesn't mean much when I can't contact her at all. What I mean is that since I can't contact her, being on her friends list doesn't mean that much considering she could never speak to me again and I couldn't do anything about it.

I'm not bothered that she's not talking to me persay, I'm bothered and feeling abandoned by the block and the uncertain way in which she put it. First she said she won't be able to answer for a while and she's so sorry. That gave me hope but then I noticed the next message followed over an hour after, when she told me she's feeling so guilty and so sorry that she has to do this and hurt me. So I don't know if the two messages are related or if at first she thought she's just going to lay low for a while and then decided to abandon me alltogether.

I don't know, to me the fact that she clearly received my present and said absolutely nothing about it, just makes it worse and I don't know how I can explain that other than her cutting me off completely and not giving a damn anymore. I sent her a present from across the world, picked it out with love and care and she couldn't even unblock me for 5 minutes to say hey thanks, I got it, it's nice.

Maybe now she's just having fun online without me, justifying the abandonment to herself. When my mom had her surgery and I was worried sick and triggered(my dad died), fearing I'll be left alone in the world, she was all no, don't worry, it's going to be ok and you're not alone ,I'll always be here, I love and think about you. Now what should I think? She knows I'm probably hurting and she can't even take a moment to tell me she got my present, which would have calmed me down.

I always said I hope I am perceiving things wrong and jumping to conclusions but I'm finding it hard to find a positive, to find anything hopeful and she's like my sister, I don't want to never talk to her again, I don't want to not even get the chance to discuss this, to just be faced with a unilateral decision. Don't I deserve any love, imperfect as I am? What crime did I commit? Isn't it enough that I have no chance at ever having a partner because no man will look at a masculine woman like me? Isn't that punishment enough for having been born or whatever? I've never hurt anyone, I always try to do good and help and I have so much love to give...

Thank you for the reply!

Now, I totally know what you're saying and I know I can be tough on people. The truth is though, everytime I was abandoned, I actually didn't even voice my fears because I was ashamed of them. This is the first time I shared them and I did so because she too expressed she fears abandonment and not being enough in general, not in relation to me but as a constant feeling in her life. So we'd discussed issues like this before, not in relation to our friendship but generally. That's why I felt compelled to let her know how I feel, not to pressure her but rather to be honest and show the trust I do have in her. If this bothered her so much, she should have said so.

But in this case, I'm pretty sure that has very little if anything to do with it. It's all about this new job and her anxiety over it. She can get extremely anxious about certain things and intensely suffer over them and she's avoidant. Now she told me a few days before, that she's had panic attacks about this new job and has been feeling extremely guilty that instead of being happy about the job, a job in a field she likes, a job she wanted, she's feeling anxiety and feeling insecure. She feels easily guilty about things, she has this thing about trying to do the best she can, it comes from a good place of course but of course it leads to guilt and insecurity when anxiety or something gets the best of her.

Yes, I was having a hard time too on top of everything and "whining" but she had also said in the past that she'd feel bad if I stopped telling her how I feel, because she wants to be there for me(which is a mutual thing btw).

Mostly, when she doesn't reply for a day or two, I do get worried and wonder if it means something bad for our friendship but my main worry is related to how she's doing, if she's feeling alright, if something happened. It so happened to me that several online friends have either suffered an accident, sudden illness or, as in the case of one friend, might have even passed away suddenly, and I only found out days later. Well, in the case of my one friend who I suspect died(that disappearance was super out of the blue and no, I had actually never whined once about anything to her, it was just so sudden and she disappeared off everything and I did know her in person). So when it's a friend who lives abroad, I get worried when there's a change in pattern because I fear something might have happened to them and that makes me feel anxious and helpless because obviously I can't help and I'm very much interested in their wellbeing.

If she lived nearby, if we were in the same city/country, I would not be quite like this because it would be different and in case of something I could just go check up on her, ask a relative, phone her and I'd know that I'd find out if something went wrong. It would also be ok not to be in contact all that much online because there'd be the chance to hang out in person, do stuff from time to time, which is a more consistent type of interaction. But this way, she's on another continent and messaging is the only direct, quick way of staying in touch, of knowing how the person is doing and it's also the only way of building and nurturing the friendship, of being supportive of one another and having fun too. Because of the time difference, very rarely we've chat for hours, I don't even think we've ever even set a time to have a chat like that, it's more like if she's online when I'm online, we chat, if not then we message back and forth.

And I am sure that there's better ways to deal with people who have abandonment trauma that causes them to act needy and need reassurances, than just block them without a really clear explanation and all of a sudden. Even if that were the reason, which is surely isn't, at least not primarily, being someone who understands first hand how it feels to have similar fears and knowing I mean well and that even when I'm needier it's not me trying to take advantage or anything but simply an expression of how much I care, because the fear is greater the more you care, she could have been clearer and she could have not blocked me.

Truth is, I've always been abandoned and no, it was never for being needy because I kept that to myself until now. No, I was abandoned because people weren't really my friends and were just after something; I was abandoned because people liked talking to me when they too were going through a bad time and liked that someone could understand and empathize, but once they felt better and made new friends, I simply stopped being interesting and worth the time and I was abandoned by family members once they couldn't get any favors out of my mom and me. I was even half abandoned by my own father. I've never had anyone other than my mom, not leave without even saying anything. It's literally been 100% of my experiences with people so far. This time I really thought it was different.

I don't worry that much for no reason, I'm not normally quite like I probably sound now on this thread. Sure, I could be less anxious, I could fear abandonment less but then, it's always happened and at some point one does need some positive experience, no?

After so much mockery and abandonment, I often felt scared to even try to make friends, that it would be useless. But I always fought against those fears, I didn't let them turn me into a misanthropic cynic(like my mom did), I always start of giving people all the chances in the world, thinking they're good and loyal until actually proven wrong. I do my best to open up and be honest and genuine and build a connection the best way I know how with my limited experience and, for my friends, I would always do anything I can do. But I'm going to stop that, I can't get hurt again and I don't deserve it.

Quick (2 part) question, just to gain some clarity.

Had she not blocked you, would you have messaged her after she told you she needs some space?

If your answer is "no", what difference does being blocked then make?

My thinking behind these questions is this: If you were going to respect her boundary and not going to text her anyway, then rationally, the fact that she took the precaution to enforce the boundary shouldn't really matter. It's semantics.

For all you know she's temporarily blocked a few people, but still scouring FB because she doesn't want to be completely out of the loop.

Again, I'm not trying to minimize or invalidate your experience, just attempting to see things from a different perspective.