Why do you feel the need to be less than honest with those who help you? Maybe you should be exploring this reason with someone, like a T.

Unless plans are meant to aide in success and healthy ventures, they are best laid to rest. I know it's easy and sometimes a relief to oneself to follow a self destructive plan, because the results give you immediate pleasure, but in the big scheme of things, they are more damaging than good.

I wish you luck in your healing process.