How to get out of this "house arrest"

So, for the past 3 days I have been stuck at home, no driving, all meds put away, no alcohol, and constant supervision. It was this or the hospital, but thanks to my therapist vouching for my huband, the pdoc let me go home. The history behind this involves bad decisions on my part.

Now I need to figure out how to get things back to normal at my appointment on Tuesday. The sad thing is that I still cannot come completely clean. I have lied to both my therapist and pdoc lots over the years, but never llies that mattered. Just little things like whether I am drinking or not (alcoholic) or taking my meds correctly-I forget sometimes.

Now I find that I am at the mercy of these two doctors-three if you count my family doctor who I will also see on Monday. I could fire them, but there is my husband, the one who is in complete support and who I love.

I don't want to end up in the hospital! If I end up there, I will be #4 in two generation of women in my family.

Bluemountains

The only way is to become completely clean and to stay clean.

You are so very right Artchic, and I wish I could be honest with those who help me. Unfortunately my honesty right now is that I have a plan for myself that requires one of the red marks-hopefully that is a vague enough description. I might have a need to come clean, I just don't know the way right now. It's not drugs/alcohol so much as the power of depression, a mighty force.
Bluemountains

Why do you feel the need to be less than honest with those who help you? Maybe you should be exploring this reason with someone, like a T.

Unless plans are meant to aide in success and healthy ventures, they are best laid to rest. I know it's easy and sometimes a relief to oneself to follow a self destructive plan, because the results give you immediate pleasure, but in the big scheme of things, they are more damaging than good.

I wish you luck in your healing process.

Good to see you again, bluemountains!

It's hard to say exactly what needs to happen without knowing what put you in this position. Not that you have to say, because you don't. No worries, these questions still apply regardless of the what...

Are the parameters of what needs to happen clear to you? Has your Pdoc said? Let's assume s/he has. Can you meet them? Honestly? Or do you seek a way around truly complying?

(Not judging, maybe you think something about it is unreasonable. There might be some debate there of course, just trying to think why. That, and it kind of feels -- and I certainly could be wrong -- it is something you maybe want to create an appearance of complying with, but don't want to or feel you can't for some reason.)

Hi Innermost,
Great to see/hear from you. What put me here was that I forgot that my life is valuable and tried to prove that it isn't. I hope that is gentle enough without being flagged. There are lots of reasons behind what happened, of course.
The current parameters through the weekend are a bandaid with another meeting on Monday, and I am talking with my therapist daily. I am not seeking a way around, I am truly hoping that mentally I will fall in line enough to resume life as normal.
And yes, I think I do want a backup plan of looking like I am complying because I very much fear that I will not be well enough to stay at home as of Monday. Again today my therapist said that she still believes that the hospital is the best choice for me-fortunately it is not her decision, it is that of the pdoc.
The bottom line is that they all want me to stay safe. I understand this, and I believe that I am safe, but for some reason they don't-maybe that's the biggest problem, those are the expectations that are so clear to everyone and should be clear to me.

Thanks for checking in Innermost and posing some thoughtful questions.

Bluemountains

Hi BlueMountains...I just met you on here and don't have much advice but wanted to let you know you're not alone and that I'm thinking of you. I hope you start feeling better soon and come to a decision that you are at peace with. I know how it feels not to want to go IP with every fiber of your being. I would say that being totally honest is the best way of keeping you safe but then I'd be a hypocrite. There was one time that I lied and appeared to comply although I had a concrete plan but no way was I going IP.

Best wishes and good luck with your appointments. I'm here if you need to talk. In the end you're important and you have a husband that supports and loves you.