i honestly dont know what its like to be happy...
i've never been happy with my life... or with myself... or with others...

i've never had friends...
never trusted others... for obvious reasons... or maybe not so obvious...

i've spent most of my life... no.. all of my life like this...
its just at some point i lost hope... some days i try to pretend there is hope, try to imagine what it would be like if things could get better...
but i really find it difficult to believe things can, could, will ever change anymore...
i want to believe... but i have internal worlds that exist that do not agree... other versions of myself that just seem smarter and more wise and i should just listen to them instead of believing in false hopes and being hurt again...

its just that some days i think that maybe i can take back control...
maybe i dont need them to run my life... maybe i can have feelings and emotions...
maybe i can be human... but those are thoughts that are dangerous... and those are thoughts that can lead to pain... and im afraid of pain... and i dont want to get hurt...
that pain is unbearable... unlike any pain i have ever encountered... inhuman...
you know...?

i dont know what i am writing...
why am i writing this...?
nonsense....

i dont feel right... i am sorry...
i will stop writing...