Numb

i am trying to understand these states that i go through...

so that i can better prepare myself for them as they come and go...

trying to have a greater understanding so that i can have compassion for oneself rather than hatred...

looking back, the best i can... due to the extreme fog (for lack of better explanation) and memory loss...
i just am not handling this stuff very well at all...

my question:
i want to try to keep it small and simple... but it seems not so simple a question...

i know some people are going to say journal, and i might try to do that again soon but first i have to learn to identify this stuff... or elsee i'll end up with a book full of that nonsense again and i dont want that to happen again...

this might sound strange... but how do you know what you are feeling...?
how do you pick through the internal chaos and identify feelings...

or are there feelings at all...? emotions...?

i really try... currently... let me feel... let me think... let me try...

moments later...
i just feel blank... empty... i dont know what i feel...
but i know sometimes i do feel things... like when i was hurting... i dont like pain... it really hurts...

i made a friend in rehab... they made me feel happy, it felt nice... but they hurt me too, it was scary... so i know i can feel things... but why do i feel like this most of the time...? why am i an empty shell that i am able to control and manipulate to protect me from the world...?

when i do feel things its scary... i lose control and feelings emotions take over...

how do i gain control over my emotions... so that i can have a normal life...

Understanding your patterns of ups and downs is a huge step towards recovery. Once you have a handle on that, then maybe you can delve a little deeper into what goes on during the ups or downs. Sometimes recovery is not necessarily getting rid of your MI but learning to cope and live with it. One thing to keep in mind, is be patient with yourself. Recovery is a slow process. Changes may be so small as to be non noticeable, but after a period of time you will look back and see how far you've come.

I hope you can get relief soon.

It is challenging and trying to figure it out can be very exhausting. You have a lot here you are trying to figure out. Try to break it down into smaller sections. My feeling when I read your post is that you are depending on someone else for your happiness. That only works in the movies. You have to be happy with you and be happy for yourself. Do things for you. Set some goals in what would make you happy and look at those. Start with small doable goals and work your way up the ladder.

Are you seeing a counselor? Are you taking any medication for depression?

It is a slow process of ups and downs, but eventually it should be less extreme in either movement. So I've been told.

Keep working towards your goal, you are doing a good job.

something to do something to love and something to hope for those are the secrets of happiness

i honestly dont know what its like to be happy...
i've never been happy with my life... or with myself... or with others...

i've never had friends...
never trusted others... for obvious reasons... or maybe not so obvious...

i've spent most of my life... no.. all of my life like this...
its just at some point i lost hope... some days i try to pretend there is hope, try to imagine what it would be like if things could get better...
but i really find it difficult to believe things can, could, will ever change anymore...
i want to believe... but i have internal worlds that exist that do not agree... other versions of myself that just seem smarter and more wise and i should just listen to them instead of believing in false hopes and being hurt again...

its just that some days i think that maybe i can take back control...
maybe i dont need them to run my life... maybe i can have feelings and emotions...
maybe i can be human... but those are thoughts that are dangerous... and those are thoughts that can lead to pain... and im afraid of pain... and i dont want to get hurt...
that pain is unbearable... unlike any pain i have ever encountered... inhuman...
you know...?

i dont know what i am writing...
why am i writing this...?
nonsense....

i dont feel right... i am sorry...
i will stop writing...

I'm sorry that you are struggling so badly. Please don't stop posting. If it helps you to connect on here, please continue. Hugs

i started posting on psych central years ago... seeking help, looking for answers, clues, to my own inner chaos...
trying to understand the things that happen inside of me...

to find an understanding of whats going on with me...

it started on the depression forum i believe... because i knew i was depressed...
that was clear, sadness, despair, i could see- that was tangible enough, pain... misery... ouch, it hurt, yes, i can feel that... pain... its real, its the only thing i can truly feel...

then they diagnosed me with bipolar... so tried to research bipolar... tried to learn about the symptoms... how to treat it... how to cope with it...

tried to connect with other people that had the disorder...
tried to post in the bipolar forum for some time... but i never found the answers i was looking for...

i never fit in... i never found relief...

they put me on medications... antipsychotics... moodstabilizers... antianxiety medications... and nothing seems to help...

unable to relate with the bipolar people i felt lost... alone... hurt... misfit... misunderstood... so lost... so alone... alienated... no one can possibly understand me...? is it that i am so broken that no one can understand...? no one can help...? these problems cant be fixed...?

i've been doing this for 7 years.... and im really tired.... im just so tired.... i just want a slither of hope... a ray of light.... a piece of an answer... a hint... lead me on, to maybe there is an answer....

its getting worse.... so much worse...
and its getting to where i cant control it anymore...

these emotions... feelings... other parts of myself will take over and consume me...

before i know it its too late, mistakes are made, things have happened... things have been said... cuts have been made... drugs have been injested...
i've done acted like an asshole... and i just get to sit in the chair looking at my hands... feet... wondering who i am anymore... why me...

whats happening to me... why are these things happening to me... why dont i have control over my life any more and who is taking control over when its not me for crying out loud...

its really starting to take a heavy toll on me.... as i have been trying to deal with this for some time now.... and its getting so much worse...

the distinctions between these switches becoming more apparent with each observation... and i just get to sit here either numb or in great pain because of everything thats happened or happening...

trying to make sense of everything... trying to understand... trying to replace the hatred i have for everything, everyone, including the ones inside of me, with compassion... because im tired of the pain... i just want to be loved...

thats all i ever wanted; was to be loved... cared for... respected...
for ever was i neglected and abused... and now it seems i neglect and abuse myself in ways that are out of my control...
and i want to be nice to myself.... because even if no one else loves me... maybe i could love myself... and **** every body else...

but how do you love someone who hurts you.... because there are parts of me that are so mean... absolutely evil... and i mean it that way.... parts of me are demonic... and i mean that literally... demonic.... they talk to demons and satan and they dont care you know... they dont care about boundaries or god or whatever... they dont care about things like compassion or feelings and emotions....

i should say that i am not religious.... but i was raised christian.... i dont know if that matters anymore or not...
just that these parts of me take on those forms i guess... they may as well...
i say parts, but they are me.... i know its all me... but its in conflict with who i am so it must be a part that has broken off at some point right... just a part of me in my mind that lives in my mind with the others...

enough of that talk though....
i just don't know how to control my own self because i've let the parts do it for me my entire life...
i've run on programs and scripts my entire life... if you want to call it autopilot then you can but i wouldnt call it exactly autopilot because its more sophisticated than just autopilot... as its able to change scripts and redirect it self automatically and re-adjust course and do all kinds of things by itself as well... without me, while i just am here for the ride... watching... in a bubble... not interacting... not participating... not making conscious decisions... while the scripts and programs do all the work...

words elude me... but i try to explain... the more i try hopefully the better at explaining my bizarre existence will become...

i've been trying to figure things out for a long time... i dont know why its so difficult...

does any of this make sense...?

i know i sound crazy... its because i am crazy....

Elevatedsoul, you do have friends, maybe some that you don't know about yet. It doesn't matter how many friends you have, what matters is the quality of the friends that you have. You are not alone, I am very slow to trust people too, I have been burned by people real close to me. But I am getting better at sizing people up, and knowing what makes them tick. Learn how to fight for yourself, for your own rights, for your own opinion, for your own existence. You are not second banana, you are first banana! Take it one day at a time, don't put too much on yourself. Learn how to fight for Elevatedsoul. Time to put on those boxing gloves We are in your corner . Shalom.

Keep posting, friend. Many on here care very much about you, but we can't do much other than listen and post our own thoughts to you.

Do you ever get the burning ... hate... i cant describe it other than hatred!
it burns!!

that you are just a fraud, faking, making everything up!

so angry at myself, the world, everything!

From what I have been learning elevatedsoul, when someone experiences trauma, and I think in your case you were not only traumatized and neglected, but became very lost, the amygdala which is the area of the brain that stores our emotions can get very sensitive.

When we are children we don't really understand emotions, we feel them but we don't understand "why" really. Children really depend on the adults/parents to help them understand the world and how to feel safe, how to understand emotions, what they mean and what to do when we feel them. This is called "nurturing" and we all need it because human beings take a long time to grow and mature out of all mammals, even other primates.

If you dissociate and feel like different people, well, we are all a combination of ourselves at different ages of development. And all of our experiences are stored in our amygdala because we are "all" emotional beings and accumulate over time our life experiences where we "felt" emotions, especially strong emotions. We all have "feelings".

Also human beings are all born with a desire to "navigate". This is a must because we have to be born to navigate in order to survive.

If we have life experiences that result in us having painful feelings, even if we don't understand these "feelings" we do our best to navigate around them, even find ways to "avoid" upsetting/scary/ strong feelings.

These episodes that you describe experiencing where you don't understand "why" you are experiencing them? I think a lot of the members in this forum can relate to that, I know I can. Part of that is because of how our emotional experiences get stored and that it can be a challenge to slowly figure these emotional flashbacks out because of how the conscious mind doesn't have the access to that area of the brain the way we think it does. If we happen to get pictures or fragments of memories, we can sit and think about it, remember it better, but when it's an emotional flashback that can be more difficult. Actually, even being in a state of being numb can be something we did to navigate in a chaotic environment we had no way of understanding or controlling.

Most people who struggle with PTSD/ complex PTSD practice avoiding, and isolating and withdrawing to a certain extent. There is a strong desire to avoid "feeling", at least in front of others. I have come to learn that is because when a person experiences trauma, the amygdala becomes very sensitive. Because the amygdala is connected to the lymphatic system the entire body can react to reminders of trauma too. Most can relate to your description of being "tired". An episode can be just as exhausting as physically running a marathon.

A person if traumatized at a very young age can develop different identities, and that's another way that person navigated in order to survive whatever it was that was too hard for them to comprehend. I remember a therapist telling me how one patient he had was a CEO of a big company and he had to stop before he went into work and remind himself "not" to be the child identity. He will most likely always have that happen, but, he learned to manage it.

Most of us learn to take life one day at a time and keep doing whatever we can to make progress and learn how to manage the challenges the present with ptsd. In the realm of things, life in general, we all have to learn to live our lives at different stages of life anyway. Part of gaining though is allowing self to read, watch movies and documentaries, listen to talks and others, and observe instead of spending too much time looking inward. Not all the answers are within, often the answers and ways to build new navigational skills are outside of ourselves.

Yes, and that tends to come from being VERY frustrated and confused. It's important to pay attention to your self talk when you experience this and don't allow yourself to "self punish and self blame". Talk to yourself, practice patience, practice self "care" and self soothing instead of allowing yourself to practice "self abuse".

What do you mean i got lost?

i feel lost, very lost, i always say im lost, of course im lost!
look at me, how could i not be lost?

how do i get out of this hell?
im scared...

I do not understand feelings, emotions.
they scare me, everything feels bad, its all bad, uncontrollable, unpredictable, bad bad bad

you feel happy? oh no, there is a beating around the corner dont feel happy it will be taken away! you dont deserve to be happy, filthy, pathetic, undeserving;
you feel sad? good. dont. whats the point to feel sad? its bad, uncontrollable, it hurts you. why feel bad? feeling bad is bad.. pain, pain is a constant.. pain is predictable, pain is there. you know what to expect. you know where it will come from, you know how it can happen, you dont know when, but you know its coming, and it IS coming!

the only true, real, tangible emotion, feeling, i have, is Pain.
pain is what i nurture, pain holds me together, pain is my strength, pain is my rock, pain has brought me to this point, pain is my demon, pain is my angel, pain has been my friend, pain has been my enemy, pain has brought me tears, pain has brought me joy, i have found many things in pain, learned knowledge from pain, learned fear from pain, learned bravery from pain, pain has shown me paths to take, pain has shown me paths not to take, pain has grown with me, pain has been there for me, always, pain, always, pain.
pain has given me nurture, i have nurtured wounds to my mother, i have nurtured wounds to myself, i have inflicted wounds to myself, to nurture my own wounds, i have watched my wounds heal, to re-inflict the same wounds to bring back my friend pain, i dont want to be alone, pain cant leave me, without pain i am empty, without pain i am afraid, because those other damn emotions that are scary will come and ruin everything

they will come and ruin everything

dont...

without pain what am i?
seriously, what am i without pain?
i want to know, i really really want to know what am i without pain?
because there is nothing inside of here, nothing, nothing without pain, it is all damaged, it is all broken, it is all ****ed up.

i know pain, i know fear...
they are my demons... they are my friends... i hate them... i hate them so much...
i love them... i love them... i love them.... dont leave me ever.... without them i am empty.... without them i am afraid... without them i do not know what i am

without them i do not know what is happening, what to expect, what to feel

to cry? to die? to dance? to laugh? NO - comatose.... i stare.... the wall blinks at me, i gaze into the paint... waiting for an answer... the wall blinks at me... nothing comes... no ones there... i dont want to be alone without the pain, i dont want to be alone to remember...

**** you....

i hate this planet.... im just being stupid.... its true, why am i saying all of these things....

pain is my friend.... its always been there.... i dont know what to do....
i want to get better... im fighting hard... but im afraid of whats coming.... im afraid... im afraid to feel...

you know...? do you know what i mean?
does any of my gibberish make sense?

i zone out and write this trash.... so im sorry

i think its just that im trying to do this new stuff, im trying to be human... i've never been "human" before, im trying to have emotions, trying to have feelings, trying to allow myself to just be... simple.. its so simple, just allow yourself to be, its scary, everyone must feel that scaryness, right? sure.. im sure they do, why wouldnt they, maybe they dont get terrified like me, but sure they do, sure.

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise
anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise

get it into your head... repeat it... repeat it.. FEEL IT damnit

why is NUMB not on the list? why is PAIN not on the list?

those are the emotions i have... Pain, Numb, Fear....

enough, is enough...

I saw the new therapist today.... I think im going to quit going to therapy...
I dont see how it can help me any more to continue going to therapy...
my current Therapist says she doesnt think she can help me further...
This new therapist pretty much stated the same thing my current T says, that its my environment... my environment is so Loaded with Triggers that there is no way possible that i can EVER recover or heal until i GET OUT. PERIOD.

so whats the point in therapy.... i need to stop... oh no suicidal thoughts...

i just dunno how im going to escape this trap.... this hell... im trapped... i told the new T that i feel trapped here... and he said no, you are trapped... unless i do something huge to get out of this situation things are just going to continue to get worse until i kill myself or over dose on drugs accidentally trying to get high....

the new T seemed really intelligent but he made me cry in the first session so i dont know what to do with him... i just want all of this to be over... why cant all this just be over...?

Can you not move out of that environment? My therapist has made me cry several times but there's a reason for that. It means we are connecting with an emotion , and that's a good thing, you have to connect with it and work through it. I do the PE therapy, where I expose myself to emotional situations weekly with a T, then daily on my own I listen to the tape. It has desensitized that emotion some, and some progress is better than no progress. Don't get me wrong, it's been hard and I wanted to quit many, many times but my T has always found a way to convince me to stay, but also reminded me it was my choice. It can't be over quickly, it's long hard work, but the reward at the end will be worth it. Do you relate to this T? Feel you have a connection, maybe it's too early to tell, ya know? But if not find someone else. Don't waste your time or money on someone who can not help you.

he's ok....
i think he gets it
he mentioned the same thing my current T mentions... Developmental Trauma...

besides the drug thing, i dont like it when people tell me to stop getting high~
but thats given, right? duh....

sorry about writing the way i do, its frustrating, i know...

i have an appointment with him on the 20th... so i have that time to think about if i will see him again or not... appointment with my current T on the 5th to talk about stuff... ill tell her about this experience... and she wants to talk about if we will continue to see each other or not....

this is my living situation....
without me going into too many details

I live with my dad.
dad is not very emotionally understanding or supportive, he does not understand mental illness or really believe in it.
Go pray, Go to jesus, Go to church. (hypocrites)

My child hood was not ok. parents were not ok. abuse. neglect. drugs. ect.
parents were not there for me.

parents are not really there for me today.

dad takes me to appointments though, because I can't drive.
I have phobia about driving, fear of driving.

i have severe anxiety, has kept me from working, never had a job, have no income, cant support myself, cant buy my shoes, socks, cigs, whatever.

my dad supports me, i feel i've developed a branch of stockholm syndrome

i want out. but im too scared to leave my cage

the door is wide open, the breaze outside feels ok..
but im terrified to step outside the door

whats outside? what waits for me there? what if i cant handle what i see? what i feel? what to expect? what if its too much?
what if? what if? what if?

this is my situation

im trapped in my mind, im being held prisoner, and i am the warden...

I HATE MYSELF

but no i dont...

grrrrrrrrrrr

cognitive dissonance drives me crazy... my head spins... i believe this, my mind shifts, no i dont believe that... i cant believe that!
then my belief changes drastically, my feelings changes drastically, my desires, fears, lock in, i become terrified, paralyzed

i want out.

i want out.

i want out.

i want out.

i am a prisoner....

i am in hell.... this is my hell...
im desperately trying to figure out a way to fix it....

the answer is so simple.... its so simple....

i know its so simple.... but when you are the prisoner... when you are the paralyzed terrified child shaking in the corner drenched in piss because you were just beaten by your own thoughts.... how can you tell yourself to just get up and walk out the door...? how...

how.........

Are you on any type of medication? Getting SS or medicaid?

Topamax, Saphris, Wellbutrin, Gabapentin, have the small state medicaid...

been trying to get on disability for 7 years...

im fine... i just need an escape... drugs are my only escape... and music...

they aren't a way out of this place though... i need money, thats the only way i can get out of here... i need money... how am i going to do this...

keeps echoing in my head... severe anxiety has to go away, i gotta forget about the anxiety, disability isnt gonna happen... i gotta find a job, i gotta get work, i gotta get paid, i gotta do this

ptsd, anxiety, depression, whatever i have, it has to go away

i have to do this, money is the only way i can get out - these symptoms cant hold me prisoner anymore!

yet i compartmentalize so heavily, you would not even know

who am i now? today? this morning? who am i?
you wouldnt even know.....

so just start new compartments.... right? i can do that right...?

i just have to break it, i have to do this, force it!

if it doesnt fit, make it fit :angry:

i will make new compartments and they will work, i have no choice

he made me cry

i didnt want to cry

its just that i want out of this situation that i am in so bad, that i am trying so hard, struggling so much, and making so little progress, due to all the triggers, and i know the answers are right in front of me, the problems right in front of me, and i know what i need to do, and how to make it all better

just that i dont know if i can do it, if i am capable emotionally... mentally...

the answer is simple: Get out. Get out NOW.

how? i dont know how... case manager says go to a shelter, i dont want to go to a shelter.... i dont want to.... i go back to the clinic on the 5th and i will talk to her about it more and see if she can describe in more detail what they are.... tell me about the options... but i really dont want to do that

i want to do it my way, but i dont know if my way will work, because im a failure..

i want to force my way through this stuff, through the mine field, through the triggers, ignoring the enemies, warnings, triggers, everything, just ****ing ignoring the **** out of them until the disappear...
focus on the GOAL.... but focus is so hard for me... focus is so so hard.... i lose focus because of the triggers i guess... if i can just practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques and just fight back though i can do it right? and **** em, fight em all and show them whos boss and kill all the enemies...

the focus goal is simple... Get out... how?
i have to FACE MY FEAR OF DRIVING, kill the phobia... i have to kill the phobia of driving some how... i dont know how... i have alot of anxiety just from riding in vehicles so i dont know how i can do this, but i have to do this so that i can get my drivers license so i can drive to work!

i have to get a job! to make money, to support myself!

i have to get my G.E.D. !!

and those 3 things can get me out of here right...?

if not get me out of here they can help get me away from here for short periods of time so that i can be away from the triggers long enough to have down time right...?

i dont wanna do therapy anymore...
i just want this all to be over... but maybe i will see both therapists just 1 more time...

i gotta get a job so bad... echo echo echo echo.... i need a job so bad man....

Unfortunately when you are dealing with Social Services it's not really in your hands and you pretty much have to take what they offer if you want to get help. You need professional help, maybe check into a hospital for a while. We as members that are also going through a lot ourselves and really can't help you with this. You are going to have to make some tough decisions and commit to a better life for yourself, which will require you to put in some time and effort. This is not a quick fix but the sooner you get serious about it and getting help the sooner you will get to that goal. Since listening to yourself on what your wants are and how things need to go, listen to the professionals and see how that goes. I'm mean honestly what you have written doesn't sound like listening to yourself has been a very good plan for you. But if you are not serious about therapy and ready to do the work, because they can't do it for you and there's no magic wand to wave to make things better, it's not going to benefit you. I wish you love and luck with this endeavor.

thank you... <3

You're not alone in this journey. We will be there to support you. You have to start somewhere so keep your therapy appointment and be open to what they tell you, don't fight it. What I have learned is you have to make yourself vulnerable to them, open up, and yes you will cry sometimes, but that means you are making emotional connections that you need to work through. I hate to cry in front of someone as much as anyone. But once I knew why, I understood that it was something I had to do. So start your healing journey, want better for yourself, be willing to fight for it. The right help is not going to fall in your lap, sometimes you have to seek it out and you will know it's hard and helpful at the same time.

i cant

i have to bury all of this in order to survive right now

im not in a stable enough environment to do that

i cant deal with that stuff right now

i have to deal with my entrapment first

i have to get out, i have to be ok right now, i cant deal with the past

everything has to be ok, i have to forget about it all

its not time, i dont know if it ever will be time

its too much

i just need to go back to the way i was, i can do that

i can live like that, i can handle that, maybe its not full life

but its a life i can live and survive, i cant handle this right now

i have to get out, i have to be ok, i have to survive, i cant deal with it right now......

im going to just close my eyes again, i dont need to see it anymore

i dont need to know anymore, i can block it all out, its what i did all the time before

why did i ever stop? i dont know

even the therapist said he dont know where i got this from

i dont know either

but i cant deal with it right now, i have to fix things right now

i have to survive right now... i cant deal with it....