((DadFMF)),

No one can answer that for you. All different posters have to go by is your input and what you have described of her behaviors and the things she has said.

What I can say is that when a person is in a relationship where the other partner is controlling, has a problem with anger issues and doesn't really show appreciation and that goes on for a long time (she describes this as "I gave you 10 years") something happens to their self esteem. Deep inside the person who goes along feeling lonely and unappreciated will unknowingly become a prisoner of accepting that as normal and can experience thinking they are not really worthy of being treated better. When that is even further encouraged when watching a partner engage in someone outside the marriage, that can be the breaking point which is what I personally believe happened in your marriage.

Personally? I think your wife was lonely in her marriage and she began looking outside her marriage for "companionship", but I also think your wife is also looking for ways to develop a healthier sense of self esteem too. I think for the nine months you were away on deployment your wife began to go out with others and socialize more, and she also used alcohol to help her be able to "relax" while she connected with others and began socializing and she probably slowly opened up to these "friends" about how she was unhappy. I think your wife is also trying to improve herself with her effort to become an RN instead of staying at her level of LPN.

One of my concerns was her use of alcohol and "if" she has developed a problem with that because she may have used it as a crutch to help her overcome her deep insecurities. This is something that happens with a lot of individuals that never intend to set out to develop a problem, but engage just to help them relax so they can open up and feel good about doing so and exploring.

My guess is that while you were away and your wife reached out to others she was probably told that "you better think about this because people don't typically change" and even " are you going to do accept the way your marriage was and how unhappy you were, OR, look to make changes where YOU are happier".

Often what can happen and I think this could be what your wife is experiencing is this question of "what makes me happy?" and the answer is often "I honestly don't know" yet, what I do see now is that for a long time I was "unhappy" and "lonely" and that is something I don't want to go back to.

I think that the confusing messages you are getting from her is an indication of her own uncertainty right now. I think when she says things like, "there are other men who will give me what you are not giving me", is more of a question she has and is coming from her own sense of "low self worth" and wanting to improve that about herself. Part of what she is describing is "companionship" that is something that was really lacking in her marriage to you. Yet, I also think she may be thinking about her being allowed to have some power in the relationship too, which means allowing herself to develop her own identity within the relationship rather than being submissive and controlled.

I think this other man that she spent time with gave her companionship and he probably gave her a boost to her self esteem too. What can happen however is this high that takes place which is something I found explained in an article that I posted for you to read. Something happened with that and that relationship fell apart and your wife experienced the "low" that is described in that article. Not "knowing" that happens can end up further injuring the one area that your wife has been trying to improve on, "low self esteem".

In listening to you it's understandable that you get hurt and you are confused but you have been steadfast in your commitment to "trying" to get your wife back and your family back. The fact that your wife has moved physically closer to you is encouraging, however, from what you are describing of her, she is still not going to "just" give in and give you the answer you have been waiting to hear from her. So far from what you have been sharing is that all her messages are about her uncertainty about herself and how she wants to change that and how she wants time to do so. I think she wants to find her way towards deciding her "value" for herself instead of others determining that for her. I think that "if" she comes across ANYONE whom she feels threatens that, she will distance herself.

So, she had you over and she made a really nice dinner and you mentioned how much you appreciated that, you offered to clean up and she said no thank you. IMO, what she said in that was "I will do it" and she was also looking for some kind of "appreciation" that is connected to her desire to prove her VALUE. Often individuals will do things that don't seem to make sense and that is often part of how that person is trying to prove their value to others, yet also to themselves. Part of that is a sense in one's own capacity to attain a sense of "independence" because that is something that contributes to ones personal sense of "self esteem".

When a woman cheats, most of what she is looking for is an entity that can provide companionship and look at her out of respect for whatever she has gained in her ability to be an independent person. You are at a disadvantage because of what she experienced with "you" in her history of being married to you and what she experienced in her relationship with you.

You have admitted how poorly you behaved and how you did not appreciate her. That is important to establish and admit. However, this has contributed to her having doubts about you and "if" you can become a husband that can actually do a 180 and respect her the way she wants to experience in her future. That being said, at this point your wife is still working on her own self esteem issues. Truth is she has not decided "what" she wants other than having more time to figure that out.

You are part of the picture that she experienced in being "unhappy and lonely and unappreciated". She loves you, but at this point she is very unsure if you being part of the picture can be something "healthy" for her. This is why all her responses to your demand to know her "decision" about your marriage goes unanswered and turns negative when you press that issue. And when you talk about "giving her permission" to go to school and have friends and what you won't allow? That's turning back towards anger and being controlling and away from companionship. Yet, I don't think she really is seeing that the way I am explaining it to you here in my post.

So, the dinner was about "her" and something "she" controlled and so was the sex as you did mention that it seemed about "her" too. I don't know what you meant by that because you have not responded to my question about that. However, perhaps you are used to running that area too, and she changed that to which you feel it became about "her". Often that can be something where she is exhibiting to you that she can be the initiator too instead of what may have been in the past where it was always about following along with "your" way of being intimate. The message she is sending is about "change" so if you are expecting ANYTHING to be like it was, you will surely be disappointed. Sexually, she wants some of the control in that area as well and she may be looking to get creative instead of the same ole, same ole. There can be "just sex" or there can be some actual companionship involved where it's taking turns in exploring it differently. If she "changed" it, is that really being selfish, is it even faulting your way of engaging it, or is it trying something different to where she gets a chance to determine how it goes?