Marriage separation after deployment

She told me that she grew a hardened heart towards me and that it would take time. Hearing that destroyed me, cause it is coming from someone you love. Since it was late, she offered that I can stay at the house. So I slept in our bed and she slept on the couch....so after I fell asleep, guess who came in the room...and guess who initiated sexual stuff...it was me, I was already asleep....its mixed signals like this that really hurts and makes me confused

It sounds like your wife is testing things and is sort of dating you at this point. A hardened heart is "you really severely affected my self esteem and ability to trust". Often, when a person pushes others away it's their effort to gain a sense of control back and to protect their own feelings. People will behave in different ways depending on how low their self esteem is and if they feel respected and appreciated instead of just controlled and expected to play a role.

It's important to keep listening and also pay attention to how much alcohol your wife is consuming. Just observe, don't say anything at this point.

The question isn't why SHE is hanging on, but why are you staying? It sounds as if she wants to hang on until SHE decides what She wants.

I am staying because I understand that I neglected my wife for the past decade. She's been there for me, and I could've been a lot better husband for her. She been through to deployments with me. She was a great wife to me and I took advantage of that and never really appreciated her, never complimented her like a husband should his wife. I was selfish and self absorbed in my thoughts and feelings. I never took the time out to understand my my wife's feelings......it took me 10 years and a separation to realize the things I done wrong in my marriage. Has she made plenty of mistakes while I was gone this time, yes she has. She is hurt and confused about what she wants because I MADE IT THAT WAY. If I were to treat her like my queen from the beginning, I know 100% for sure Inwouldnt be dealing with these problems. I built up her cold, hardened heart. It didn't happen overnight and I know to reconcile is not going to happen overnight. When you love someone, you want to do everything you can to make things right. She's asking for more time to figure things out...she was alone almost 18 months of my deployments. She took care of the kids during those times. All I can do at this point is be as supportive as I can and know things are not always what I want. That was one of her main issues with me was she thought I was controlling. In a sense, I was. All that did was push her away from me even more. She lost her identity because she was just a wife and mother, and because of my actions it hardened her. I don't know how much time it is going to take or even if it will work out. I know that I spent the night at her house the last 3 days and 2 months ago I wasn't even allowed over there....it's going to take time, love and patience and if you truly love someone, you will have to go through hell and back to show your true love for a person.

I hope that answered your question.

Very good (((DadFMF))), being able to see your part in the problem is VERY important. That is what working with a therapist helps with because in order for a relationship to work, it's important to take a look at what contributed to how it fell apart. And you are correct, this problem is accumulative and her catching you texting another woman was the straw that basically broke the camel's back. Then she was left alone for nine months to stew and was lonely and spent time with friends for companionship to help her sort things out.

It can be hard to listen to what another person is really saying when what they are saying "hurts". Often what another person says and does is reflecting the amount of hurt THEY are experiencing. I think you are gaining on your ability to slowly recognize what your wife means by what she doesn't want to go back to living like, you posted that in your above post. I think your patience has allowed her to feel safe enough to reach out to you and get close, but that is still very fragile.

That's a long time she was lonely.

SHE is slowly making decisions based on whatever SHE is experiencing with you now that is helping her feel "safe" enough to "try to trust you" again.

Glad to see you are looking at the big picture & seeing all sides that are involved to get it to where it ended up.

One thing I personally realized is that if the other person in the marriage really makes an effort to make needed changes then my willingness to back down reflects that also. Working through the issues is the key to bringing the marrisge back together & strengthning itwhen it does becsuse only then real understanding & RESPECT for each other grows. Love cannot exist when thete is no respect....that goes for BOTH husband & wife. Each have to have a foundation of RESPECT for love to grow otherwise the only growth direction is APART.

Glad to hear that there seems to be a level of improvement in your relationship. It takes much time to rebuild what has been broken over a long period of time. It takes WORK & PATIENCE to heal a marriage....sounds like a step in the positive direction..time will tell.

I appreciate all the support. Wether it's destructive criticism or words or encouragement it's appreciated. I know it's tough at times because everyone's marriage problems are unique in their own right. I know half of the people wouldn't have put the effort in. I understand. I might be dumb for putting time in it just to possibly set myself up for hurt and disappointment, but when I made my vows I meant them. I just hope the outcome will be favorable and that we are able to respect eachother and grow old together. It's always been my dream to find that one person..

I respect a person who puts the effort in and tries. You are trying and if for some reason it doesn't work, at least you will walk away knowing you tried.

If you dont try you will never know if it could have succeeded. All too often leaving is the EASY way out & it allows us to just focus on our own hurts without seeing the big picture & work on ALL aspects of what caused the marriage to fail. Only then can you determine if broken beyond repair

Well she invited me over today for dinner, which was a very nice gesture. She cooked and the food was delicious!! I offered to clean the dishes afterwards and she said no thank you. Thought it would have been a nice gesture. I told her I really enjoyed the dinner. Looking forward to seeing g where the night takes us.

All of this still feels very weird. It's like my wife is not all there mentally sometimes and that she is living in a fantasy land. I enjoy spending time with her and I spent the night with her yesterday, but everything sexual was geared towards her. I feel something is still not right. She fell asleep and her phone is password protected. I heard her phone buzz last night while she was sleeping and I seen a app called "Whisper" pop up. I did alilttle reasearch as to what that app is and it's a place where people can vent anonymously but a lot of posts on there are sexual based.

I would like to have my wife back that was committed to the marriage, not one that is only checked in less than part time

Not understanding what you mean by sexually based geared towards her.

However, some men are sexually selfish and the woman doesn't really get satisfied. So, it might be (again just a possible) that your wife is trying to enjoy sex differently and even seeing if she can trust you to be adventurous sexually. It could also be that your wife is trying to gain on her sense of self worth and she will be doing things that you may consider "strange/different". Also, she may have done her own research into why men cheat and they typically cheat for sexual reasons where women tend to cheat for companionship reasons.

As far as gaining on a more committed marriage? I think you will have to be patient with that as she has only just recently started to be intimate with you again.

When is all this mess going to end though? When's playing games enough??

((DadFMF)),

No one can answer that for you. All different posters have to go by is your input and what you have described of her behaviors and the things she has said.

What I can say is that when a person is in a relationship where the other partner is controlling, has a problem with anger issues and doesn't really show appreciation and that goes on for a long time (she describes this as "I gave you 10 years") something happens to their self esteem. Deep inside the person who goes along feeling lonely and unappreciated will unknowingly become a prisoner of accepting that as normal and can experience thinking they are not really worthy of being treated better. When that is even further encouraged when watching a partner engage in someone outside the marriage, that can be the breaking point which is what I personally believe happened in your marriage.

Personally? I think your wife was lonely in her marriage and she began looking outside her marriage for "companionship", but I also think your wife is also looking for ways to develop a healthier sense of self esteem too. I think for the nine months you were away on deployment your wife began to go out with others and socialize more, and she also used alcohol to help her be able to "relax" while she connected with others and began socializing and she probably slowly opened up to these "friends" about how she was unhappy. I think your wife is also trying to improve herself with her effort to become an RN instead of staying at her level of LPN.

One of my concerns was her use of alcohol and "if" she has developed a problem with that because she may have used it as a crutch to help her overcome her deep insecurities. This is something that happens with a lot of individuals that never intend to set out to develop a problem, but engage just to help them relax so they can open up and feel good about doing so and exploring.

My guess is that while you were away and your wife reached out to others she was probably told that "you better think about this because people don't typically change" and even " are you going to do accept the way your marriage was and how unhappy you were, OR, look to make changes where YOU are happier".

Often what can happen and I think this could be what your wife is experiencing is this question of "what makes me happy?" and the answer is often "I honestly don't know" yet, what I do see now is that for a long time I was "unhappy" and "lonely" and that is something I don't want to go back to.

I think that the confusing messages you are getting from her is an indication of her own uncertainty right now. I think when she says things like, "there are other men who will give me what you are not giving me", is more of a question she has and is coming from her own sense of "low self worth" and wanting to improve that about herself. Part of what she is describing is "companionship" that is something that was really lacking in her marriage to you. Yet, I also think she may be thinking about her being allowed to have some power in the relationship too, which means allowing herself to develop her own identity within the relationship rather than being submissive and controlled.

I think this other man that she spent time with gave her companionship and he probably gave her a boost to her self esteem too. What can happen however is this high that takes place which is something I found explained in an article that I posted for you to read. Something happened with that and that relationship fell apart and your wife experienced the "low" that is described in that article. Not "knowing" that happens can end up further injuring the one area that your wife has been trying to improve on, "low self esteem".

In listening to you it's understandable that you get hurt and you are confused but you have been steadfast in your commitment to "trying" to get your wife back and your family back. The fact that your wife has moved physically closer to you is encouraging, however, from what you are describing of her, she is still not going to "just" give in and give you the answer you have been waiting to hear from her. So far from what you have been sharing is that all her messages are about her uncertainty about herself and how she wants to change that and how she wants time to do so. I think she wants to find her way towards deciding her "value" for herself instead of others determining that for her. I think that "if" she comes across ANYONE whom she feels threatens that, she will distance herself.

So, she had you over and she made a really nice dinner and you mentioned how much you appreciated that, you offered to clean up and she said no thank you. IMO, what she said in that was "I will do it" and she was also looking for some kind of "appreciation" that is connected to her desire to prove her VALUE. Often individuals will do things that don't seem to make sense and that is often part of how that person is trying to prove their value to others, yet also to themselves. Part of that is a sense in one's own capacity to attain a sense of "independence" because that is something that contributes to ones personal sense of "self esteem".

When a woman cheats, most of what she is looking for is an entity that can provide companionship and look at her out of respect for whatever she has gained in her ability to be an independent person. You are at a disadvantage because of what she experienced with "you" in her history of being married to you and what she experienced in her relationship with you.

You have admitted how poorly you behaved and how you did not appreciate her. That is important to establish and admit. However, this has contributed to her having doubts about you and "if" you can become a husband that can actually do a 180 and respect her the way she wants to experience in her future. That being said, at this point your wife is still working on her own self esteem issues. Truth is she has not decided "what" she wants other than having more time to figure that out.

You are part of the picture that she experienced in being "unhappy and lonely and unappreciated". She loves you, but at this point she is very unsure if you being part of the picture can be something "healthy" for her. This is why all her responses to your demand to know her "decision" about your marriage goes unanswered and turns negative when you press that issue. And when you talk about "giving her permission" to go to school and have friends and what you won't allow? That's turning back towards anger and being controlling and away from companionship. Yet, I don't think she really is seeing that the way I am explaining it to you here in my post.

So, the dinner was about "her" and something "she" controlled and so was the sex as you did mention that it seemed about "her" too. I don't know what you meant by that because you have not responded to my question about that. However, perhaps you are used to running that area too, and she changed that to which you feel it became about "her". Often that can be something where she is exhibiting to you that she can be the initiator too instead of what may have been in the past where it was always about following along with "your" way of being intimate. The message she is sending is about "change" so if you are expecting ANYTHING to be like it was, you will surely be disappointed. Sexually, she wants some of the control in that area as well and she may be looking to get creative instead of the same ole, same ole. There can be "just sex" or there can be some actual companionship involved where it's taking turns in exploring it differently. If she "changed" it, is that really being selfish, is it even faulting your way of engaging it, or is it trying something different to where she gets a chance to determine how it goes?

What are your thoughts about her being on dating sites? I seen the app WHISPER pop up on her phone even though it was locked. I just feel she is hiding stuff from me.

As far as the sex question, I ate her out (TMI I know) but right before I tried to insert, she backed away from it...so it made me confused.

Well, I have never heard of this whisper site. I thought you said it was a place to vent and there were also sexual conversations.

Ok, so you answered my question about what you meant by your statement about how the sex was different. Honestly, I don't understand why she chose to do that with you, that, imo was sexually selfish of her. However, I am wondering what a hidden meaning could be in that maybe at times she went unsatisfied sexually with you. If you read about that, most or a high percentage of women don't orgasm through regular sex and most men don't know that, that doesn't mean I am assuming you are one man who doesn't know that either.

Her complaint about you has been that you were controlling and had problems with your temper. This could be a test to see if you would get angry and controlling. OR, if you could just give and not get upset about it. It could be that someone suggested she try this on you and wait and see what happens. If she did vent on a site like this she may very well be getting some suggestions, doesn't even have to come from a male you know, could be some woman that said, "try doing this and see how he reacts". I looked that app up and it's all anonymous and people comment/share their private issues etc. to see what others say. It's not all sexual either.

So, did you react to it? Or, did you just let go and let it lay? It's not the end of the world that she did this with you in the scheme of things and if you remained calm and did not get all angry or show an attitude about it, then it's a positive in someone who may struggle with needing control and anger issues.

This is not something I would consider trying myself, it just would not come to mind for me. I am just considering her major complaint about you and maybe she is going to try things to see if you "can" change and be more open minded.

So my next question is when she did that how did you actually react?

I brought it up and asked. I am pretty open and communicate when something is bothering me.

Sometimes when women have felt they have had no feeling of control in their marriage things like that can happen giving them a feeling thatthey have some level of control. It's NOT a good solution for getting a feel of control but then agaun other ways aren't really good either. I turned to anorexia, the only thing I had control of at the time was what I didnt eat. Anytime one partner feels the need to reclaim some control over their life it definitely indicates a break in the relationship.

Remember, it took 10 years to get that broken, it doesnt get fixed overnight either. PATIENCE.

What answer did she give you when you brought it up and asked?

eskie's right, people can do strange things in their effort to gain a sense of control.

It's important to remember what the person does and says because it typically reflects their injury and area they feel threatened and not in control. But not only that but also lonely and unappreciated to where things often revolve around the "partner" in the relationship.

On your end, it's important that you make the effort to step back and really consider what "your" part in your relationship history was. You have a good start with doing that, and you talked honestly about your tendency to be controlling and have a temper and that you did not appreciate your wife the way you should have. Well, what is happening "now" is your wife is showing you all the different ways that affected her.

If you were controlling and did not really appreciate your wife for several years, how can you just expect her to "just get over that" because you have said you are sorry and brought her flowers and cards and promises?

Personally? I can tell you that there were plenty of times where my husband was sexually selfish. Yet, I have to admit there were many times where I allowed it because I was just doing my duty and in reality I was not happy with him. Honestly, I can relate when your wife said, "that's just sex". And she has actually hit you with this a few times and I think it's time to figure out why that would be and be honest about it. You have shared that you show your love "physically", and she has clearly attacked that. And when "sex" between the two of you does take place, have you noticed that it's something "she" controls? With that in mind think about each time that happened and if you really made it a point to make sure her needs were met. You don't have to share or even defend yourself here either, because that's not important, what IS important is what actually took place. Along with that step back and think back on your history in that area.

What is important with this challenge is what you "can" learn even if it leads to a divorce. A lot of men fail in relationships and they genuinely don't ever learn "why". A lot of men can be controlling and can struggle with "anger". And they tend to look to "fix" and when they can't "fix" they get angry and stressed and a lot of men never actually learn what "companionship" really is about. They also tend to look at their wives as "their property" and they can be controlling and actually "selfish" not even realizing it.

Let's just think about something. It is a well known fact that the two things men want is "a good dinner" and "sex". What did she give you that night? A good dinner right? And then what happened with the sex? Ok, so let's just back track to one of her conversations that "hurt you", she talked about how this other man came over and HE MADE DINNER and she talks about how they sat around and talked, and then she tosses in this "did we have sex, yes probably several times, but that's just sex".

What she could have said to you is "during the time you have been away" I met someone who gave me companionship, and he made dinner and we stayed up and talked and we took the boys here. Then she talks about how she loved you but you were too controlling and had anger issues. So, it sounds like this other man is an LPN and she met him at work, my guess is they probably spent time talking about careers, the challenges of being an LPN and wanting to try to become a nurse because they earn more, but it's actually hard to become a nurse, especially now because a nurse has to learn a lot more than in the past so nursing school is "hard".

When have you ever had any discussions about that with her? Your input is that you have "allowed/given permission" for her to pursue a career in this area. So, with this in mind, do you consider "sex" something that is most important to her? Do you think that cooking a good meal is something that should be her priority? To what extent do you "see" her, "when she cooks a good dinner and the night ends in sex?". Is that your idea of "companionship"? Your wife was "lonely" in her marriage and that had nothing to do with sex which is what she keeps saying to you, but she tends to do so in hurtful ways that tend to confuse you. What your wife keeps saying in hurtful ways to you by "that's just sex" is that is not the glue that keeps a marriage working and healthy. It isn't about the two main things that "make men happy", basically through their stomach and sex.

So, she was saying something to you, and it left you puzzled. You said, she made a good dinner, wonder where the evening will go next. You got a surprise didn't you? So, looking back on that evening, "where was the companionship"? What else did the two of you talk about? Also, you are looking to get military housing did you ever ask her what she want's in terms of a future home? Just wondering if you even know what she may want in "her" future. I will bet this other guy and her friends know.

My input here is not meant to put you down but instead to help you see things you may be missing. It's about my effort to come up with some possible reasons behind her behaviors and for you to sit and think about the past in your relationship and think about "your" part in that picture and not just that you did not appreciate her, but how you can actually see more than just regretting and saying you are sorry.

The way your wife is behaving is she has chosen to "show" you what was missing and unfortunately, you are the type of man that struggles with "hidden" messages and you are not alone with this challenge.

I have a feeling that your wife is getting input/advice that encourages her to test you in a way that others want her to see what has failed "her" in her marriage. Almost like "try this with him and see what you get, see, I told ya".

Now, I posted a long post to you and you were receptive to what I posted, "you make good points OE" remember? That is what you tend to be more receptive to because I am not attacking you, and I am not attacking her either, but focusing more an what couples need to focus on in today's world. Both working, both having careers that provide them with self esteem, and both making plans "together" and understanding what they "share" with hopes and dreams of the future they can work towards together. The time for the man to go out and the wife to be home to "cook and service him sexually" is over. Women don't want that anymore, they tend to feel insecure if they don't have something of their own where they are self sufficient, that is what the common pier pressure is about these days.

So, in this relationship she had with this other man what did take place for her? They were both LPN's and I am sure he respected what that meant for her. They got together and talked about "goals" and she probably talked about wanting to become and RN. He could see that she was trying to do that, but, also alone because you were deployed, and she had to also take care of two children. So, what did he do that she has made a point to share with you? He made them dinner, and I am willing to bet that she put the children to bed and they spent time talking. And when she said to you, "we had sex many times, that was meant as a hit", because that must be something you seem to focus more on, "her cooking a nice dinner and then sex", when she experienced something different that was "missing" for her. She probably did not have all that much sex if any, I have a feeling she is saying that because you tend to focus on that part more.

I just want to add DadFMF that your wife's way of communicating with you should be more direct rather than this "testing" that she has been doing with you. If your wife was getting professional help instead of "friend help" she would be encouraged to sit with you and tell you how she would like things to change rather than playing the guessing game that leaves you constantly hurt and confused.

What I am trying to help you with is learning how to listen even when someone is not communicating their issues in a way that tells you what is expected of you. Poor communication is behind a lot of failed relationships.

That's the problem. We are both in our middle thirties. Why not be direct in communication to work on the issues vice playing games with someone's mind, heart and emotions. Anytime she wanted me to come over she wanted me to bring wine. Then when I doncome over it's almost like I am stranger at first. I always asked how her day was and have a normal conversation but she always puts me off until she had a little alcohol and opens up a little more. Last night I came over and she stayed on her phone most of the night and didn't say much to me. It was around midnight and I asked if I could go lay down in the bed in which I did. An hour passed by and I thought she would have came in and she never did. She stayed on the phone on her couch. I fell asleep and I woke up to use the bathroom to see she never came in the room and was sleeping on the couch. It confused me cause the last week I was over there, we slept in the bed together and snuggled. It's confusing because I get a ton of mixed signals from her.

A part of me feels like she is cake eating. She is keeping me around as a safety net. I feel she wants to live a separate life but still be married for the benefits. I told her numerous times if she wasn't happy that we can go about our separate way and she can explore her happiness or whatever I didn't do. She brought up this guy numerous times even while being intimate. I don't know if she was doing it to mess with me or she actually thought I was him or was fantasizing about him. It was weird and disheartening.

The last time we did get sexual I made her orgasim like 3 times (Oral and fingers) but she still wouldn't let me insert inside of her or help me reach and orgasm. Then when I text her about any issues she says "That never happened" because she don't want me to have text proof. That doesn't sound like a woman who wants her marriage to work. She has me come over cause she knows I'm almost at my limit. I had a hard time maintaining a 180 because I like to communicate issues to seek a solution but I also read that sometimes you have to let them go to find happiness for yourself. One minute I think I'm making progress and the next she is talking about hanging out and going out with friends and giving me ultimatums if we are going to work things out. Never once has she asked how my day was, what we can do to make our marriage stronger.

She is in her mid thirties, but it doesn't sound like she has matured to that age level. It sounds like she is very insecure about herself and it could very well be that she is keeping you on the line to provide security while she is on her journey of self discovery.

Good to see you are paying attention to her alcohol use as she may be developing a problem with that especially since she seems to need to drink before opening up or relaxing with you.

It's not good if she is talking about this other guy while with you and being intimate with you. It sounds like she got very attached to him and it didn't work out and once again she is struggling with how that hit her self esteem. She should have never gotten involved with a married man, that typically doesn't end well and men don't necessarily "love" the women they cheat with either. She sounds more and more like an individual who is personally very lost and confused.

It is possible that she is using you as a safety net, it happens sorry to say. I think it's a challenge now in that women who work on being independent can get a lot of advice that can confuse them more than help them. Especially on an anonymous site where so many are venting and exploring without a direction.

Sorry you are getting so many mixed messages, you have been very patient and I can see you are trying.

I think I'm done trying now. It's time for me to back off and protect my feelings. It enrages me to the point where I have nothing left to do but divorce her.

I am sorry (((DadFMF))), the decision is really up to you and I think you have been patient in this challenge. I think you are dealing with a person who is very insecure and confused and "hurt" and has been taking some of that out on you. I think you started her on this confusing path and this other guy confused her even more and she is at the point where she is very confused overall about herself. Along with that she is getting a lot of advice that is probably not all that helpful to her or her confused emotions that I think she is trying to escape via the alcohol.

I know you are upset right now, always remember it's best to not act when upset but to step back and take a breather and give yourself space and time to calm down and think logically instead of emotionally.