I officially ended my friendship with my ex boyfriend turned friend. It was not healthy for me, and I felt like he was cruel in the sense that sometimes he was there for me, and other times he would completely ignore my texts. Even if he wasn't trying to be. I'll never know. We were really close at some points, even when not dating. And so I guess now that we aren't, it hurts.

I ended up texting him on Thursday morning. That I was sick of the way I felt treated by him, and was hurt by him. And basically said goodbye, and that I would not be viewing a reply if he responded. Then I felt guilty. I felt like I'd been too harsh, and the next day, I apologized if I'd been harsh, and I just that I was sick of being hurt by him. No response back.

For some reason, today, I was upset about all of it, and him in general. and I ended up texting him again. I said "I'm actually not sorry. you treated me like **** for so long and laughed about it. I let you. That's the only thing I'm sorry for. You should apologize to me. Of course, you never will. Bye."

I feel like I was such a *****. I don't want to hurt anyone. He is not going to respond. Which is fine. I feel like, in that way, he is more mature than me. I wish I could be like that. Just not let people get to me. And not respond. It send me the message though, that he doesn't care.

I think saying goodbye is really hard. Even though he has always been an unhealthy person for me in some aspects, we were really close. I have known him for 8 years. We dated for the first 2. He has hurt me a lot in that time. He has never really, truly respected me, I felt like. He always made jokes (demeaning, gross, and toward me sometimes) I was not OK with. But he wouldn't listen to me, for a long time, when I would tell him to stop. So I learned to laugh along. I know now, that this was wrong and very unhealthy on my part. I messed myself up. I really did.

I don't think we were compatible as friends either. People don't always understand how we were able to be friends after there relationship. We weren't compatible as bf and gf though. IDK. I've never been able to do it with anyone else I've dated.

I think also, I have VERY VERY mixed feelings about him. Like, I am upset with him, AND I care about him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I want to tell him how he's affected me.

I have had difficulty with boundaries, with him, in the past. Like, I've been upset with him before, and then called him a few weeks later if I'm stressed about something. He can be very good with advice and support, SOMETIMES. Its like I forget all the ****** stuff he's done and made me feel. I can't go to him anymore though. It's not healthy. I want to stick to this, even if it's hard. It shouldn't be too hard, he barely ever contacted me the last year.