Saying goodbye to my ex bf turned friend.

I officially ended my friendship with my ex boyfriend turned friend. It was not healthy for me, and I felt like he was cruel in the sense that sometimes he was there for me, and other times he would completely ignore my texts. Even if he wasn't trying to be. I'll never know. We were really close at some points, even when not dating. And so I guess now that we aren't, it hurts.

I ended up texting him on Thursday morning. That I was sick of the way I felt treated by him, and was hurt by him. And basically said goodbye, and that I would not be viewing a reply if he responded. Then I felt guilty. I felt like I'd been too harsh, and the next day, I apologized if I'd been harsh, and I just that I was sick of being hurt by him. No response back.

For some reason, today, I was upset about all of it, and him in general. and I ended up texting him again. I said "I'm actually not sorry. you treated me like **** for so long and laughed about it. I let you. That's the only thing I'm sorry for. You should apologize to me. Of course, you never will. Bye."

I feel like I was such a *****. I don't want to hurt anyone. He is not going to respond. Which is fine. I feel like, in that way, he is more mature than me. I wish I could be like that. Just not let people get to me. And not respond. It send me the message though, that he doesn't care.

I think saying goodbye is really hard. Even though he has always been an unhealthy person for me in some aspects, we were really close. I have known him for 8 years. We dated for the first 2. He has hurt me a lot in that time. He has never really, truly respected me, I felt like. He always made jokes (demeaning, gross, and toward me sometimes) I was not OK with. But he wouldn't listen to me, for a long time, when I would tell him to stop. So I learned to laugh along. I know now, that this was wrong and very unhealthy on my part. I messed myself up. I really did.

I don't think we were compatible as friends either. People don't always understand how we were able to be friends after there relationship. We weren't compatible as bf and gf though. IDK. I've never been able to do it with anyone else I've dated.

I think also, I have VERY VERY mixed feelings about him. Like, I am upset with him, AND I care about him. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I want to tell him how he's affected me.

I have had difficulty with boundaries, with him, in the past. Like, I've been upset with him before, and then called him a few weeks later if I'm stressed about something. He can be very good with advice and support, SOMETIMES. Its like I forget all the ****** stuff he's done and made me feel. I can't go to him anymore though. It's not healthy. I want to stick to this, even if it's hard. It shouldn't be too hard, he barely ever contacted me the last year.

Disentangling an old, deep relationship like that is never easy. It's very brave of you to take that step, even if it's messy and difficult. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, we were so close that we couldn't imagine life without each other in *some* form or another. So we tried, and tried, for years, to be friends - and it was always messy and unhealthy. Whenever we felt like we were doing well as friends, one of us would go and rip the wound open again. We finally purged our lives of each other, and it was the most painful thing I've ever done. I remember lying in my bed sobbing for days, even though there really wasn't anything healthy worth holding onto. I felt destroyed and broken for longer than I can remember. But y'know, it eventually stopped hurting. Eventually it healed. And years later, we reconnected, and we are now very dear friends again. Sometimes I think the cord needs to be truly severed before it can heal. I hope you can forgive yourself for the things you wish you hadn't said, and forgive him for not being what you needed him to be. At the end of the day, you're both people going through this painful experience. It'll be okay. Wishing you love and luck. <3

If you can manage to let go of your connection to him, you will be better off. This connection has kept you from moving on. You've been way too emotionally invested in him. Had you gotten into another relationship that you were secure in, then being neglected by him wouldn't have seemed like such a let-down. But it sounds like he has remained your significant other, even though you two are not emotionally involved. That really is not healthy.

For a couple who've stopped dating to remain friends, they really have to totally have lost romantic interest in each other. Usually, from what I've seen, at least one party still has romantic feelings. For that person, the "friendship" is really more.

It hurts to be ignored by someone you've been in a relationship with. He was not a great boyfriend to you. The friendship isn't going any better. Try to let go. It will greatly increase your chances of getting into another relationship that works.

I think you're doing the right thing by breaking off contact and sticking to it. He didn't sound like a good boyfriend or a good friend. The more you don't contact him the easier it will get with time. I'm sorry you've had this experience. Best wishes.

Thanks Treevoice, Rose, and Jennifer. I appreciate your support and encouragement.

Rose, I'm not sure whether to say this as it feels like a moot point. But I don't feel that I have romantic feelings towards him. In my viewpoint, that would mean I'd wish we were still together, would want to be with him in the future or have hope or wish for it. I have no interest in that, nor do I want to gaze into his eyes, hold his hand, or have sex with him. I do feel that I have a deep emotional attachment to him. It's not healthy, I know.

I think you realize, yourself, you need to cut the cord. Maybe, he's already cut it. You're still hurt about what transpired when the two of you were a couple. You call him your "ex," but a lot of your current pain seems to be rooted in when he was your boyfriend. You seem to need him more than he needs you. That's a horrible position to be in. A friendship where the need is not mutually balanced can become a toxic thing. I speak from experience. Try to really let go. Try to give up on having some kind of last word, whether to express resentment, or to apologize, or to say you don't want to hurt him. He mainly wants you to just leave him alone. That's awfully hurtful. You're looking, I think, for some kind of closure. We don't always get that.

This! The relationship of mine that this resounded with me didn't wind up with any reconciliation and thinking about that fact, right now, years and years later, I'm glad for. I bring this up as navigating through the heartache, I caution against dangling such a long range goal in the depths of your mind.

Perhaps that's the push/pull of such a relationship.

For me, as I read this thread and give pause, from this side of the tears, he truly hurt me. It wasn't a mature relationship as I reflect. What it has given me, is an empathetic side of myself towards other women as, in person, I see a glimpse of what once was me, as they are involved with men that display a persona that, that ex of mine displayed. Guess I was confused about my boundaries and hesitations and whatnot...



It's cliche, but life does move on. Wounds do heal.

Thank you for pointing out that it is important not to tempt yourself with a long term goal of reconciliation. While it is true I ended up reconnecting with my ex years later, it was never planned - I'm sure if it had been, I wouldn't have had the courage to let go as completely as I did. Thank you for your input!

I'm sorry this has been a difficult time for you. I hope that having ended things for good, that you will feel some relief and freedom. Even if he was only a friend, it seems to me that you were in bondage to the turmoil it was causing you. Go forward, be free and find joy.

One point
Friendship following a break up isn't typically do-able. It may be in some situations but usually it's not. The problems related to the intimate relationship don't usually completely go away because you've broken up, so it makes sense that your feelings about how he was treating you continued into the friendship. You did the right thing.