From what you have shared it sounds like she did that for 10 years, and you have admitted you did not appreciate her the way you should have. I sounds like you are thinking that what you did wrong in texting another woman was not as bad as whatever your wife has done, which we don't really know right now exactly what she has done. But you are not seeing the entire picture of your anger issues, how you did not appreciate her, maybe you were too controlling, and then she caught you doing something that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, you HAVE made it a point to work with a therapist whom you say you respect because she keeps you looking at the big picture right? I think from what you have shared you are trying and you have been willing to see your part which is important in taking steps forward. However, just because you have decided to give what you believe is your 100% that she should suddenly be on board with you. It doesn't work like that, she was not READY to "just".
And she has said that she doesn't want to go back to how things were, she was not happy.

She is trying to learn how to "love and take care of herself", and she has realized (I gave you 10 years), that she gave of herself even when she was not appreciated. That's why she is saying "I need to be about me". She has probably tried to move forward with taking steps to think about herself, yet, she probably made some mistakes just like she made a mistake not to put her foot down years ago and let you know she was unhappy and felt unappreciated.

It's a positive sign that she has finally agreed to counseling. The therapist will spend time with her privately (at least that is how it was when I did marriage counseling), and then work with the two of you together to get you both communicating better so your concerns are discussed and you learn how to work towards healthier ways of communicating with each other. A therapist can "validate" her and help her "feel" that her concerns and hurts are being recognized that way when she struggles with you she will learn she can trust the therapist to validate her and help her communicate with you yet at the same time having a mediator that can guide the two of you in a healthier direction rather than the hit and run you have been practicing with each other that is holding back progress.

That is what needs to happen "now" in your marriage. You need to have a presence that gets to know "both" of you and begin coaching and helping you as a couple instead of all the input that you have both been getting from others who don't know "both sides and both people". There are actually quite a few people that use "marriage coaches" and they learn how to better communicate with each other and learn things that are being missed. So, it's not about being judged or being afraid etc. it's working at things with help and "learning".