Marriage separation after deployment

If your wife is expecting you to remain loyal to her while she goes out with not just women friends but male friends to, that's not being fair. If you are expected to wait around while she continues to look then you should probably be looking too, after all, you can't just put your life on hold while your wife explores.

then you still should END THE MARRIAGE BEFORE ever going out with anyone if you TRULY have the values you claim to have.

Maybe your right. I need to get out more with friends of the opposite sex so I can see it from her point of view.

It would be just as WRONG for you to go out wirh women until you are actually divorced as it is for your wife if you TRULY hold the moral values you say you do. Two wrongs dont make a right.

Healthy socializing is one thing, but going out to bars, drinking and having a questionable relationship with a married man is NOT healthy socializing.

What she did was not healthy socializing. If she was out with a group of friends eaten dinner, going bowling or something like that, I wouldn't mind at all. When you bring clubs, bars, partying with alcohol that's just trouble in the making right there

I have a feeling that she got sucked in and used the alcohol and the partying to deal with her hurt. Tell me, does she always need to drink when you spend time with her?

Not all the time. When she doesn't drink I have noticed she is less affectinate

Word she do the sex stuff with you if she was sober?

Probably not.

Just think on that for a moment will you. Just that.

'My wife has to be drunk before she will let me touch her.'

Is this a place you want to be in? Because to me it is heart breaking. That you would use her drinking to get close in that way.
Next time she is drunk and ok-ing sex the right thing to do is say no.

Your wife knows she gets a bigger hunk of your paycheck while you are married to her than she will if the two of you get divorced. If you end up with another family to support, you'll have less to contribute to her household. A lot of women unhappy with their marriages prefer to get the next husband all lined up, before they get rid of the current husband. My guess is that your wife has been, and will continue to be, shopping for husband #3. But she's hanging on to you for security, until she has another guy on the hook, ready to be reeled in. That might take her a while. Besides the money angle, I think she is a little afraid of being alone and having nobody. Right now she's got you ready to run over whenever she snaps her fingers (or texts.)

Here's another concern she may have. If you two go your separate ways, you might end up in a stable new relationship sooner than she does. That would wound her vanity and make her feel like a loser. So I think she's going to let you think reconciliation is possible, until she gets into another relationship. Ideally. she'ld like you as a housemate for the time being, or at least available when she gets lonely and has no one else to call on.

I believe she expects to eventually terminate her marriage to you. I think that's why she has no interest in marriage counseling. She needs to stay in a perpetual state of being "aggrieved." I don't believe she's hurt and wanting you to make her feel more secure.

She told me today that she wants to go to Marriage Counseling. I appreciate your guys input and I very well can do the same thing to her as far as use her till I find the next one. I have to weigh my options to see what I want.

I appreciate and respect your thinking DadFMF, what I have noticed is that you have been willing to own your own faults that created this challenge AND that you have taken steps towards getting help.

The fact that your wife has agreed to try marriage counseling is a positive. Perhaps she had to SEE that you will actually leave her and often that is what it takes for someone to finally recognize they have a problem and need to get help.

Hopefully she will follow through with this path so the two of you can see if you can save your marriage or if your differences are in fact irreconcilable.

Keep us posted. Good luck ((((DadFMF)))).

I appreciate it Open. People told me to start dating other people like she possibly could be and not talk to her anymore until she comes clean. I always seem to get sucked back in though

When she asked for marriage counseling was she sober and was she being serious?

If yes, my advice is to find a counselor as soon as you possibly can.

Not sure good question

You wanted to work on your marriage and dating other people would have only further complicated things. In fact she could have used your doing that as a stick to beat you with too. Your heart is in the right place where you want to work towards getting your family back in tact "if" you can.

Could she be using you? Possibly, but none of the members here KNOW her and all we do know is what you have shared. I agree with Bill3 in that you should seek a marriage counselor asap. Does the T you are seeing know anyone he could recommend?

She wants to see us both!!! She said she could do so much for us. My wife said she would go so we will see.

Is this your current therapist saying this? Or is this a marriage counselor you found?

Anyway, I am glad you found someone, next is getting and appointment so you and your wife can get started.

It's the therapist that I'm seeing

Do you like this therapist that you have been seeing Dad?

Yeah the therapist is pretty good, has a lot of good insight and I feel she will be fair. She gave me a dose of tough love for my mistakes as well, that's how I know she is good

I stayed the night at her house last night. So the guy that she had an affair with that she denies, his friend(Who also hung out with them) is still texting my wife. She is saying he was telling her about a job but am I wrong to think that is wrong? She said I am jealous and controlling and there seems to be no care in the world for her. She kept saying "I asked you to come over, I cooked for you then you keep saying all these things that are not true". I don't know what to think anymore. One day we cuddle and the next minute she doesn't want me touching her. I need to get this therapist thing set up but I know I can't change a person and the way they think. I told her nicely that I thought she drank to much and now she says sarcastically "Oh, I guess I'm a drunk now". I feel as if she will always talk to other "friends" behind my back and that she is going to live a fake secret life...I just want her to come clean so I can Atleast make an honest decision but I know she never will. She is not who she used to be and now she has this IDGAF attitude which sucks...

Well, it is possible that the individual that texted her actually was telling her about a job in the field as it may be a co-worker that is also an LPN or RN even. It could be different hours in a different place or area.

The challenge for you is your trust concern, that is understandable and that can be brought up if you can get into marriage counseling.

Ahhhh, I tried to warn you about bringing up the drinking because if there is a problem a few things need to be considered. It is not unusual for a person who has a problem to not realize they have a problem. Also, if there is a problem it's something that is denied and not only that but from my experience, pointing it out can be met with anger and turning things around to "it's your imagination, nothing is wrong with me, nothing wrong with drinking some wine to relax" scenario.

I recommended keeping an eye on the drinking, also the mood changes as it's not unusual for someone who has developed a problem to be "grumpy" when they are NOT drinking alcohol. Also, it's not unusual for the person to not even be consciously aware of their mood changes when they drink on the weekend for example and then don't during the week. Yet, saying something like you did is risky because the priority of seeing a counselor should have come first IMO.

You have some challenges with this because you "did" have some poor behaviors and issues with anger and you can't "just" wipe your history away. You ARE trying, but you will run into some challenges that you may respond to in ways that are not helpful. It will take time when you get a negative response to step back and "soften" and say something along the lines of "yes, I do admit that I am struggling with trust, so that is why I want us to work with a counselor, so we can improve on this".

I think the two of you have a tendency to do a hit an run with your communication and you need to learn how to actually sit through what can be uncomfortable conversations.
You both have "trust issues and boundary issues". I think you "both" have a question of "will this work or should we end our relationship".

Thinking "my wife used to be this or that" is not going to really work too well because NOW your wife is growing as a person and she doesn't want to go back to being the doormat or "unappreciated" that she had experienced from you.

This is how your therapist can connect with her and help her and you separately and then together. And that is what your focus should be on the most right now. Your wife just agreed to counseling, and that's a big step, but that's like agreeing to go to a pool, the next thing is actually going and then jumping in and going for a swim.

Your exactly right!!! I guess we will figure it out soon enough. Just wish she would give 100%, do the right thing and obey the vows she gave when we got married

Don't forget as part of those vows you promised to love her as yourself. Is jealousy & anger loving her like yourself & holding up on you part of the vows. You said you were that way before you thought she cheated on you so that behavior wasn't initially triggered by your perception of her cheating. Remember, vows are a 2 way street & they aren't all JUST about adultery....they are about how we treat the other person